HUMOR
12 Stupid Things Men Say to Women
Getting them off my chest, so to speak
Since I was a little kid in the playground, humans of the male persuasion have been unable to resist commenting about my physical attributes or appearance. And according to my female friends, this practice seems ubiquitous among males of all ages.
You have big feet! You’re short for a fourth-grader. When are you going to start wearing a bra? Did you find that dress at the Salvation Army?
Is it flattery, flirtation, or downright demeaning?
As a young person starting to notice boys, any attention from the opposite sex was interesting, maybe a little bit fun, and always something to discuss with the girls in the lunch room. “Stevie pulled my hair!” <giggles> “Joey looked up my skirt when I went upstairs!” <more giggles>
Note: Boys at my school had to resort to peeking up the stairs because the school principal had banned girls’ reflective patent leather shoes. It was a Southern Baptist town, after all.
Those childhood and early teen years were times for experimenting and exploring—shy, inexperienced, clueless, and even playful in our clumsy attempts to connect with the opposite sex. Sometimes funny, sometimes not, but all forgivable.
As adults, however, these behaviors are not forgivable. As a young adult, it was seldom clear whether it was flirtation or something else. Does he like me? Or, Is he teasing me? My mother never taught me anything about boys or men, and my youthful girlfriends were as clueless as I was.
When my mom wore her sexy shirtwaist cotton plaid dress to the grocery store, we always parked near a construction site. I think she enjoyed those wolf whistles and catcalls, even while whispering, “Blow it out your nose!” or “Get bent!” Was she confused, or was I? To this day, I’m still moved by the sight of sweaty, muscular workers in hard hats and filthy jeans.
But now a mature woman who has cohabited with a series of disrespectful, mansplaining, gaslighting curmudgeons for too many decades, it’s crystal clear to me, especially in retrospect: some men never grow up.
Twelve things a man should never say to a woman
Trust me; I’ve heard them all:
- I like your sweater/shirt/blouse/top (Why don’t they say, “You have great tits.” “May I please touch them?” “Can we have sex?”)
- I like girls with straight legs (Um, are you saying I’m bow-legged?)
- You have an interesting mouth (translation: I bet you give great blow jobs)
- You have a perfect ass (or much worse, you still have a nice ass)
- Could you wear different shoes/coat? Those don’t match your coat/shoes (I suspect he was considering reporting me to the fashion police.)
- Would you please stop having ideas? (“I like things the way they are!” or “Leave me alone. I’m in my ‘nothing box.’”)
- Do you have hydraulic jacks under those? (It’s not Victoria’s secret anymore)
- Are you wearing Spanx? (… while fondling my perfectly buff butt)
- Sex with her was spectacular (referring to a previous girlfriend)
- I like your hair longer/shorter/curlier/straighter (after a $200 salon visit)
- You should hide that scar with makeup (Yeah? Ask me how I got that scar, if you dare.)
- Would you mind taking notes? (Yeah? Note this: Learn how to write. I’m not your secretary!)
Cool, confident, and secure men aren’t afraid to feel, say, and mean these things:
And guys, if you want to get and keep a woman’s attention, this is how, but only if it’s real and coming from deep within. Do NOT try to BS us!
- Your creativity inspires me.
- I feel a deep connection with you
- I get lost in your eyes
- You get me
- Let’s hang out together, maybe watch the sunset
- Show/teach me how to do that
- I love the way I feel when I’m with you
And finally: Taking out my trash
There’s a tiny dumpster in the back of my head where I toss offensive or useless words or ideas, and today it’s garbage day, when it all empties onto the page—stains and stinks and old rotten bits. I hope you’re standing well back because this is going to feel so good:
For fuck’s sake, fellas! Pay attention and stop saying stupid stuff; you might get laid a lot more often!
I guarantee we women will notice, and you will be richly rewarded beyond your wildest fantasies.
Author’s note: I adore making fun of men. It’s a target-rich environment. Enjoy! xoxo
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