POTTY HUMOR
Why Do Men Pee Standing Up?
And why do women have to clean up after them?
Don’t get me wrong. I love men. I love their strength, their hairiness, their woodworking and machine skills, and I love their parts. But one of their parts, the one most different from mine, is a real troublemaker when it comes to toilet hygiene.
Actually, I’m a little bit envious of guys’ ability to hose off the bark of a tree, or to sneak off behind the barn and “aaaahhhh…” And this is especially true when I’m doing a 7-mile hike in the woods with a bunch of women who have to squat behind a bush (please, no pun intended!) and try to avoid peeing on our boots.
I get it, really. I’ve witnessed the ecstatic expression on my partner’s face as he pees into the vastness of Bryce Canyon, or off the Snake River Bridge in Idaho, or takes his liquid revenge on the blackberries that grow wild around our farm. This one activity seems to give him both physical relief and immense pleasure—bordering on joy—all at once.
But indoors is a different story. I’ve asked him and quite a few others why on earth don’t they sit down to pee when they’re indoors.
- I’ve always done it that way.
- I’m a man. It’s what we do.
- It will mess up my machos. They won’t say this, but I know it’s what they’re thinking.
Today, cleaning the toilet yet again, and the walls, and the toilet tank, and the floor, and the little rug that’s supposed to catch all the last-minute drips, I wondered why any mother anywhere ever taught her little boy to stand up and try to get his wee stream—or most of it, at least—inside the bowl without hitting the rim. Why not teach him to sit instead and avoid years of target practice failures?
German men sit down to pee!
Why? Because their mothers teach them to do so, and insist they do so, because hausfraus have to clean up after the men in their households. Just like women do in the USA. Is there a lesson to be learned here? Are American women just wusses when it comes to forcing the issue?
And a new study shows that, since the beginning of the pandemic, more Japanese men are sitting down for relief—70% of men, compared to 51% a few years ago. The main reason for this recent change was attributed to men spending more time at home with their spouses because of the pandemic. Awww. That’s so sweet.
Do men who sit have healthier lives for longer?
It’s actually more healthful for men to sit down to relieve themselves. There’s plenty of research that shows men empty their bladders more efficiently when sitting, especially if their prostates are a bit squiffy.
According to a study at the Department of Urology, Leiden University Medical Center, sitting down provides a stronger flow and has a side benefit of lower risk of embarrassment from farting out loud in a public restroom.
If this isn’t enough motivation to drop trou and park yourself for a restful moment, consider the mental health of the women in your lives! Even the most perfectly aimed streams create a fine, invisible mist that builds up, coating everything in sight—floor, walls, porcelain—and frankly, boys, this stinks.
And if none of the above arguments has convinced you, consider this: a pristine toilet is an aphrodisiac for women.
Be a man—outdoors
Take a stand for that tree or bridge, pee into the abyss, or, if you encounter a truly disgusting public toilet, please let it fly! There are advantages to being a guy.
But if you’re a real man, like Larry David, you’ll take a seat.
Thanks for reading! And thanks again to ScienceDuuude and WotWU for putting up with my wayward word waste streams! ❤
For more advice on coping with a partner of the male persuasion, this:
