100 Random Thoughts in a Row

I’m taking on Jason Provencio’s 100 Random Thoughts Challenge. I don’t know if it will be money like his, but readers will either chuckle, grimace or wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m betting on the latter.

And we’re off!

1. I often wonder what my purpose is on this marble.

2. Do I need to buy toilet paper today?

3. My cats are assholes, but I love them to pieces.

4. If I could play an instrument, it would be the piano. Move over, Liberace.

5. I’ve shared imaginary meals with Jesus, Obama, and Trump. I’m open to suggestions.

6. I earned a little over eight bucks on Medium last month. That’s two cups of java!

7. I hope to break the bank in December and hit $10.

8. This shit will take more than 20 minutes, Jason.

9. I’ve let my hair grow for the last year because I’m too cheap to pay $20 for a haircut. I used to pay $5. Then my barber retired.

10. “Give it away, give it away, give it away now.” Guess who?

11. I’ve met a lot of great writers on Medium. But I’m not naming names. You fuckers will rush off to read their stuff.

12. I loved watching members of the Capitol Police refuse to shake hands with Trump enablers McConnell and McCarthy.

13. I know people who still believe humans set foot on a Hollywood sound stage, not the moon.

14. I’m still on Twitter, but I don’t know why.

15. I’m still on Instagram. What’s wrong with me?

16. I see professional athletes turning down generational money from teams because it’s not enough. How much is enough?

17. My body has been in pain for the last 30 years because of wear and tear while serving Uncle Sam. Not a complaint. Just a fact.

18. “Billy, Don’t be a Hero” is not about the Vietnam War.

19. I read the news headlines every morning and think, we are so fucked.

20. My daughter is crazy crafty. She sells stuff on Etsy.

21. I’m hijacking this thought from Jason. You can’t fuck up bacon. Real bacon, not that Canadian bacon shit. Even if I burn it (and I have), destroying its bacony goodness is almost impossible.

22. I want to grow older than I am right now.

23. I love listening to books on Audible, especially on long drives. Hey Bezos. Can I get some affiliate money for this plug?

24. I have three wonderful daughters. If I’ve taught them anything good, it’s to tell the people you love that you love them. Teach that to your kids. You’ll be glad you did.

25. I have an itch in a delicate area. I’m trying not to scratch that itch.

26. The Red Sox are cheap as fuck.

27. I’m working at a major retailer for the holidays. I wear a blue vest. Figure it out.

28. I forgot my password to sign in to work. Now I have to go in early to get my password — just so I can get on the clock. Ugh.

29. I have two cats. I love it when the youngest crawls into my bed for a snuggle.

30. I lied on number 11. Some of my favorite writers on Medium are Jason Provencio, Gareth Willey, John Dean, Shirley Laffa, Barb Dalton, Brandon Ellrich and Rodrigo S-C. There are more, but I can’t think of all their names.

31. I work three miles from home. It’s the closest I’ve lived to a job in 25 years.

32. I’ve driven more than 100 miles round trip to get to work in the past. Literally.

33. People are people. Let them be who they are.

34. My ex-girlfriend is not a person. Kidding.

35. During the pandemic, my daughter and I went on road trips to nowhere on weekends because state borders were closed. But we made a day of it and had fun.

36. I need to improve my gut health. Suggestions?

37. I’m in love with a stripper. Sorry, T-Pain.

38. I ate a lazy man’s grilled cheese for breakfast.

39. This list is taking too long.

40. I love photography.

41. We have all loved and lost at some point in our lives.

42. Break time. Mother Nature is calling.

43. I took my daughter and her friend to work. After being unemployed for nine months, her friend is just getting back on her feet. Sometimes we all need a little help.

44. If Trump Jr. shits in the woods, will a Saudi prince give him a billion dollars for it?

45. I had to work today. Meh.

46. Why do we mourn celebrities we’ve never met?

47. Idle thought: Changing your skivvies every day is a must.

48. I love Christmas. Not for the gifts but for the spirit of the holiday.

49. “Over the river and through the woods.” Does that ring a bell?

50. Is Folgers in your cup really the best part of waking up?

51. Can you tell I’m showing my age with some of these thoughts?

52. I liked Green Lantern with Ryan Reynolds, who is on record as hating the film. He should love that movie. He met his wife, Blake Lively, on set.

53. Marvel Cinematic Universe isn’t money in the bank. It’s billions in the bank.

54. Matt Patricia is the Patriots’ offensive coordinator. Think about that.

55. “And The Band Played On” is worth watching.

56. I served in the military for 20 years. I would do it all again.

57. Winter’s here. Watch for your elderly neighbors. Most are on a limited income.

58. Food insecurity should be a crime. No one should be going hungry.

59. If I only had a brain. That’s either a song quote or the truth.

60. If you enjoy pain, put a Vicks VapoCool Max tablet in your mouth. Wait five minutes, then drink ice-cold water. It’s worse than brain freeze.

61. Ask Jason Provencio what brand of washing machine he uses. Then buy a different brand.

62. Things go better with Coca-Cola.

63. It wasn’t a well-read story, but I enjoyed writing about Burger Queen. That’s a hint, people.

64. I seldom wear socks, even in the winter.

65. I love photography. Yeah, I said that again.

66. I lived in a shit hole for seven years. My new apartment is a blessing. But I still hope to buy a condo soon.

67. Last year, I drove about 900 miles round trip visiting Lancaster and Gettysburg, PA. I averaged 38 miles to the gallon.

68. Boston was one of the best rock bands of the 70s and 80s.

69. While covering the town of Burlington, Mass., for my newspaper, Amy Poehler’s agent called to announce Poehler would be at the Burlington Mall to open a store. My first question was, “who’s Amy Poehler?” I honestly had no idea who she was. Her agent wasn’t too thrilled. Probably even less when I assigned a freelancer to the story.

70. That reminds me of covering a large fire in a small town at 3 a.m. in the middle of winter. Walking to the firefighters, I hit a patch of ice and dropped like a rock. They helped me up. The chief walked over and said he missed me falling and asked if I could do it again. We all got a chuckle out of that. Fucker.

71. I have two cats. The fat one will sneak into my room at night and try to eat out of her brother’s bowl.

72. Still trying to figure out what a lazy man’s grilled cheese is? Toast two pieces of bread. Put two slices of cheese in the middle and microwave for one minute. If you use a paper towel, no dirty dishes.

73. Why is keto a thing? Does it really work?

74. My fat tabby just finished cleaning her bowl up, and she’s hoping to steal food from her brother’s bowl. She’s trying to sneak past me. Move along, fat girl. 75. I’m wondering how the fuck I’m going to come up with 25 more random thoughts.

76. If Trump Sr. shits in the woods and no one is there to see it, will he still lie about having shit in the woods? Probably.

77. My youngest cat is twitching. Sadly, Big Foot is prone to seizures.

78. Kristen Sinema said she left the Democratic party to maintain her independence from political parties. Bullshit.

79. I won fifty bucks on a scratch ticket. Now I’m wondering if I should have played Powerball instead.

80. Having a foot of your colon removed sucks. Beating colon cancer doesn’t suck.

81. Does anybody really know what time it is? Hello, Chicago.

82. James Earl Jones doesn’t get the credit he deserves for voicing Darth Vader.

83. Why the hell did I accept this challenge?

84. Mariah Carey earns $2.5 million yearly in royalties for “All I Want For Christmas is You.”

85. The former Mr. Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon, doesn’t make any money from that song. And he’s gonna really need it someday.

86. Why does Kevin McCarthy remind me of the late Republican Sen. Joe McCarthy of Wisconsin? Is history repeating itself?

87. My dad and the late Sen. Edward Kennedy had this in common. Both died from brain tumors. I loved my old man. Teddy? Not so much.

88. I’m eligible for Canadian citizenship. I may apply to be a citizen to keep you ugly Americans out.

89. Does Elon Musk really believe in free speech, or is he blowing smoke up people’s asses?

90. If you’re still Christmas shopping, can I send you my mailing address?

91. I walk between six and eight miles a day. Except on Sundays, which are reserved for road trips with my daughter.

92. I walk the line, but Johnny Cash did it better.

93. I watched the first and last TV episode of M*A*S*H. Not as reruns.

94. Have you ever tried buying size 12 EEEEEE footwear in a store? Not happening. I have to special order every time.

95. The gas lines at BJ’s Warehouse, where I live, are always long. Is it the same everywhere?

96. I have a tire that keeps losing air, but my mechanic can’t find a leak. It’s a pain in the ass.

97. Is Chinese food on New Year’s Eve a tradition at your house? At some of the restaurants where I live, you need to place your order at least a week in advance.

98. I’m running out of random thoughts, but not bullshit.

99. I’ve lived through 8-tracks, cassette decks, Beta and VHS video players, CDs, and streaming music.

100. The first movie I watched on a Beta video player was Superman with Christopher Reeve while stationed on Okinawa.

That’s it, boys and girls. If you took the time to stop by and read, clap or comment, I appreciate your support.

I accept tips, which go directly to Dining for Hunger, a recognized 501(c)(3) organization that looks to end food insecurity. If you can spare a dollar or two, I’d be grateful.