Nonsense | Valentine’s Day
10 Ways to Protect Yourself From All Those Valentine’s Day Admirers
It’s a serious business, let me tell you!
They say that you are best not offering advice on topics unless you are a true expert. After all, people see right through fake claims and unfounded information, don’t they?
Which was why I seriously debated whether or not I should be offering my expert advice on self-preservation in the face of a very probable onslaught of secret admirers on Valentine’s Day.
You would be forgiven for thinking I am completely unqualified to be offering this advice if you knew my track record, as detailed below, but things are not always as they seem.
You see, I think I could call myself an expert for a number of reasons:
- After forty-six consecutive disastrous or completely uneventful Valentine’s Days, according to the Sally School of Probability it’s definitely more than probable that this year will make up for all those wasted ones.
- Since I haven’t received a Valentine’s Day card from anyone (other than my children) for several years now, there must be a backlog building up in the post office depot that they are going to have to finally release.
- Despite my lack of actual Valentine’s Day experiences in recent years, I am a true romantic at heart (just check my astrological chart for absolute proof), and can therefore speak with absolute authority on anything to do with love…especially Valentine’s Day.
- I am in the process of being adopted into the family of Smillew Rahcuef who is pure love, and that trait has obviously been passed to me now, too.
And, due to having some dire Valentine’s Day stories to tell, I have really had to learn the hard way how to be an expert.
For example — true story — there was the time I was in Varanasi in north India with my boyfriend and he had booked himself a flight home from Delhi. Not realising what day it was, he booked his train to Delhi for the morning of Valentine’s Day. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I came down with Delhi-belly that very morning and was lying, feverish and weak on the balcony as he said his goodbyes.
Yeah, happy Valentine’s Day, darling!
So, despite all evidence to the contrary, I am sure you will agree that it’s absolutely not debatable that, based on the steep learning curve of my past experiences, coupled with the probability of imminent future events taking place to upturn the evidence, I am a true expert in everything Valentine’s.
And therefore, if you’re anything like me and need to protect yourself from an onslaught of attention lavished by the many secret admirers who can no longer hold back their buried feelings, here are a few precautions you may like to put into place:
- Create a temporary barrier around the letterbox, ready to prevent yourself from being buried under the tsunami of Valentine’s Day cards. Suffocation by Valentine’s Day cards isn’t the nicest way to go.
- When you go out, in order to avoid being recognised by all your admirers, try disguising yourself. For example, you could wear one of those inflatable sumo wrestler costumes. No one would suspect a thing!
- Dressing up as a banana can also work, unless you already resemble a banana, or live a double life as a banana (like Kristen Stark), in which case, it probably won’t fool anyone.
- Write notes of apology in advance of Valentine’s Day for the lack of availability of flowers for anyone else, since they will all have been bought for you.
- Buy some beehives and a colony of bees to feed off all the pollen from the millions of flowers that arrive on the doorstep (see featured photo). No sense in wasting them now, is there?
- Consider sharing your chocolates with your friends and family — for once — since eating that quantity alone is guaranteed to result in tooth decay.
- Okay, sorry I suggested it. My bad. No seriously, just forget I even brought it up!
- Book an appointment at the dentist to ensure you have something lined up before all your teeth rot from the chocolate that you are insisting on eating all up yourself.
- Enjoy the attention while it lasts since a mouth full of blackened, rotting teeth may secure this as the first and last Valentine’s Day like it.
- Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Now that you can see how wonderful a Valentine’s Day with real admirers can truly be, there is always the option of sleeping through the entire day and waking up on 15th February instead, knowing that you are safe from all danger.
As I said, as an expert, I have all possibilities covered and know the best strategies of all. And I have gotten myself a little worried now, so…
Yawn!
N’night. See you in a couple of days.
Here’s another option you might consider:
