10 Things Respectful Parents Don’t Do to Their Children
№6 — Don't give them choices they can't handle.
"I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university."
Many adults brag about living by this quote by Albert Einstein. How many of those adults you'd think apply the same quote to… children?
All parents want respectful kids who behave.
When someone asks your child a question, and all they’re getting is the silent treatment, don't your cheeks and ears flush in a peach tone that shouts out embarrassment?
Don't you excuse the child, saying that "he's shy" or "she's tired" or "just not in a good mood?"
There you have it.
You want your child to show respect and behave in socially-accepted ways.
It's only natural to want this. When a child acts the way society demands, it is less likely they will endure unnecessary hurdles.
But what if the way you're trying to teach your child manners and respect is not the most effective?
Wouldn't you prefer to model manners and respect by showing them to your child firsthand? If you would, here's some food for thought.
1. Don't baby talk your baby
Every time you open your mouth, your child learns something from you.
Do you want them to learn to talk like a baby?
Yeah, I thought so.
You agree with me that you're supposed to teach your child the human language, not the other way around.
So, why not speak to them as you would to any other adult? About anything and everything, but above all, correctly?
You see, children know so many words and their meanings long before they can pronounce them. After all, they spend the first year of their lives listening to adults talking.
They know the words. They only need you to teach them how to pronounce it correctly themselves.
The only change you're supposed to do when talking to a child as opposed to an adult is to slow down and give the child a bit more time to:
- process what you're saying;
- show some kind of reaction to your words.
Other than that, talk normally. Your child deserves to be talked to normally.
2. Don't assume you know it all
Don't assume you know what's normal behavior for a child.
Take time to find out, and you might be surprised by the unrealistic expectations you've had.
“Real love is knowing someone’s weaknesses and not taking advantage of them. Knowing their flaws & accepting who they are.” — Anonymous
Children don't come with a manual. Yet, there are plenty of parenting manuals out there.
You don't need to read them all. One book should do it—the right book. And if you are to read one parenting book a year, pick one on child development.
Knowing what's typical for each age group will help you doubt and worry less.
Understanding how children think and behave will help you resist the urge to scold them, rush them, yell at them, or have the wrong expectations from them.
Don't you want to know better the child you respect?
3. Don't pretend you listen
Listening shows that you care.
When you care about someone, you also respect that someone. You can't have one without the other.
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” — Bryant McGill
If you want your child to listen to you, do the same to them.
If you want your child to trust you and come to you later, talk to you about their day, struggles, and life, make sure you let them know you want to hear about their day, today.
Don't let the marvelous things that can get out of a child's little mouth fly by your ears.
Listen, with all your body.
Stop and look them in the eyes.
Watch not just for their words but also for their expression, hands, face, and eyes. The soul they put into whatever they’re saying.
4. Don't handle them harshly
Can you imagine not being able to move or feeling insecure at every step?
Depending on someone for anything from getting dressed to getting food in your belly and having your ass wiped after you poop is painful as it is.
So, how would you like to be handled if you were in the child's place?
With rapid, harsh movements or with soft hands?
At warp speed, without even getting to know in advance what's going to happen to you? Or slow enough for you to anticipate and not be taken by surprise at every move?
Be the change you want to see in the world. Raise your child the way you wished you were raised.
5. Don't keep your child apart from chores
Children love to help. It's just that their help often leads parents to desperation.
It's so much easier to keep a toddler distracted while you go about your day and handle the adult things. But it's only easier for you.
For your child, it's harder to stay away from the things that happen within the family/house when they desperately want to be a part of it. And it's not even in their best interest.
Instead of keeping your child apart from your daily chores, try to make them a part of those chores.
“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners.” — Laurence Sterne
When you give a child age-appropriate chores, you foster both their self-esteem and the respect for their parents, as you:
- help them feel included in the family;
- help them learn new skills and improve self-esteem;
- help them understand the efforts of keeping a clean house;
- help them appreciate the effort that you as a parent are making to keep the house up and running;
- ultimately, help them respect you more.
When you pamper your child and protect them by keeping them inactive, you're doing them a big disservice.
6. Don't give them choices they can't handle
Children have so little to say on so many things.
You'll often get upset when your child doesn't do something you want, right when you want, need, or expect it.
But have you ever paused to think that 95% of the time, your child is doing what you say when you say it?
They don’t get to choose much about how their day will go.
So, if you ever decide to give them choices, grant them the respect of real options.
Don't make a child choose what clothes to wear, what toys to buy, or what food to eat. It would be overwhelming for them and only lead to conflicts.
Don't give them choices that aren't real either.
Don't make them choose between eating their food or going to their room.
Let them choose between eating their food now or 20 minutes later. Eating all their food or half of it. Or choosing between 3 healthy options that you're putting on the table, rather than opening up the fridge for them.
Give them simple, real choices between two things that make sense to them. It will help them feel empowered, not overwhelmed.
7. Don't speak harshly
Words can harm just as much as actions. Sometimes even more.
If you don't agree to handle your child harshly, you shouldn't agree to talk to them harshly either.
You mean the world to your child. Talk to them softly and help them grow solid roots for when they’ll lunch themselves into the real world.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice” — Peggy O’Mara
Even when you're setting limits, your tone should be firm, at most. Never harsh.
8. Don't rush, as much as you can
Your priorities simply aren't theirs.
A child is only interested in getting food, connection, and playtime. You making it on time to wherever you have to be is not on their agenda.
I know, we, the grown-ups, have limited time.
But with children, often, the time you think you're saving by rushing and scolding them is time you'll have to spend later anyway. You'll eventually do it while watching them roll on the floor in an overwhelming emotional burst.
Will you take ten minutes to play, be joyful, and let the child have it their way now?
Or are you going to take 30 minutes for a meltdown, later?
Either way, you're going to take time.
Giving children time is a precious gift.
Not just time to walk at their pace, but also time to talk with you, time to move, and time to do something they are truly curious about.
Letting them know in advance about what they should expect will also help with transitions.
9. Don't dismiss feelings
Feelings are not to be condemned.
All feelings are there for a reason, to teach you something, tell you something, or inform you of something you weren't aware of.
It's the same with children, only that often, their feelings might not make much sense to the adult.
It's OK. They don't make much sense to the children either. What matters is for them to feel safe enough to express their feelings.
When you let a child express feelings — in a way that doesn't hurt them or others — you're sending the message that they matter, that they’re not broken, and that what they feel is acceptable.
It's not the feeling that needs correction. Only the behavior, at times.
10. Don't play the still face
Your child reads the world through your face. Don't be a still face.
Do you know the still face experiment?
Run in the 1970s by Dr. Ed Tronick, the still face experiment showed how the way a parent reacts can influence a baby's emotional development.
Face to face with a parent that shows no facial expressions, the baby becomes confused, desperately tries to get a response from the mother, and then starts crying and screeching.
Not getting a physical reaction from the mother makes the baby dissolve emotionally and physically.
But that's not the worst part.
By the end of the still face sequence of the experiment, the baby stops trying to get a reaction from their mother. They have lost hope and desire to connect.
Once you read about this experiment, you will understand the tremendous importance of being expressive when talking to your child.
Mirroring will also help a child feel listened to and understood.
When they talk to you, don't just listen or look interested. Mirror some of their expressions. It will work wonders in helping them open up.
Don't you want to connect with the child you respect?
Moving from Don'ts to Does
Respect is something all human beings need.
Parents, in particular, are worried about raising disrespectful children. There is this misconception that we need to instill respect and fear. That we must not "give in" and be perceived as "weak" in front of our children. Or else?
Or else we would raise them to be spoiled, entitled, and take everything for granted.
These are the reasons why we might often be too harsh with children and act disrespectfully.
These are fake premises.
If anything, disrespecting children has the opposite effect of what we hoped for.
Being respectful isn't about being weak or not being in charge.
We are in charge. We just don't have the right to be disrespectful and aggressive.
“Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love.” — Miguel Angel Ruiz
There's no doubt in the world that you love your child. Show it to them, again and again, as you:
- Talk to them normally
- Educate yourself on what to expect from them
- Listen to them with all your senses
- Handle them gently
- Involve them in household chores
- Give them choices they can handle
- Speak softly
- Give them time
- Let them feel
- Show them facial expressions
The only way to have a respectful child is by modeling behavior as a respectful parent.
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