10 Things I Tell My Children About Relationships
After years as a relationship columnist
I’ve spent over a decade in counseling and research on the topics of love, relationships, and divorce. I was a marketing consultant before I became a journalist, then a business columnist, and ultimately a relationship columnist.
At the last minute, I went to college for business instead of journalism. My mom didn’t think that writing was a great career choice. She thought it was risky. After I was published in Washingtonian Magazine my two worlds merged.
I see relationships through the lens of a marketer. In marketing, you have to connect the dots between human behavior, what drives that behavior, and how that makes a business profitable.
I want my children to have emotionally profitable partnerships.
10 Things I Tell My Children About Relationships:
- “Love requires you to sacrifice some of yourself, don’t ever mistake that for all of yourself.” — Colleen Sheehy Orme
Allowances should be alternated. Giving should be a give and take. Someone who has the ability to love you will never continually ask or expect too much of you. They will alternate sacrifices. They will appreciate and recognize your contribution. Beware the extreme taker because they target the extreme giver.
2. “Confident people have the ability to feel your pain, celebrate your joy, and see you for who you truly are.” — Colleen Sheehy Orme
Make sure you attract yourself to confident people. They love themselves enough to love you. Insecurity is a form of self-absorption. This inward projection leaves little room for anyone else. It’s not a safe space. It can’t adequately appreciate, acknowledge, or allow another to be all they are meant to be.
3. “Respectful people see you for who you truly are. Disrespectful people make you feel bad about who you are.” — Colleen Sheehy Orme
Disrespectful people send an unfortunate message. I love you but I don’t like you. There’s a simple explanation for this. Disrespectful communicators are threatened by the differences of others. They need you to think, believe, and act as they do. If not, they will chastise you. The need for control overwhelms their ability to be comfortable with who they are and celebrate it.
4. “No one should have all of the power in a relationship. No one should be powerless either.” —Colleen Sheehy Orme
A relationship requires balance. No individual should have all the power and no one should be powerless. One person shouldn’t dictate and control the terms of a union. They shouldn’t mandate what’s important, what’s expected, or what will happen. A person shouldn’t have to give up their desires, hopes, dreams, and expectations for anyone.
5. “Respect isn’t agreeing with someone. It’s saying because this is important to you it’s important to me.” —Colleen Sheehy Orme
Respect doesn’t mean there’s an absence of difference. It means you allow someone their distinct thoughts and beliefs. You may not agree with them but you don’t seek to disprove, discredit, or discourage them. No one should frustrate and devalue their partner by ignoring their concerns and forcing them to convert to every single one of their beliefs. Respectful relationships have disagreements but they also involve compromising respect.
6. “People are more important than money. Love is more important than being right. Compromise is more important than being in control. Love should rise above all else.” —Colleen Sheehy Orme
Love should rise above all else. Relationships are complicated by finances, stress, careers, family, and other things. But an overarching perspective should prevail. The pettiness involved in individual egos, such as the need to be right or be in control should acquiesce to a mature perspective. The survival of a healthy relationship depends upon it.
7. “It takes great confidence to be wrong.” — Colleen Sheehy Orme
A miraculous thing happens when our egos mature. We grow up and realize we don’t need to defend ourselves. We don’t always have to be right and in control. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to say sorry. It’s okay to surrender and apologize without making a person endlessly explain why we hurt them. Because they are now more important than being right.
8. “There’s a calm in respectful relationships and chaos in disrespectful ones.” —Colleen Sheehy Orme
Respectful relationships move forward, disrespectful ones repeat a cycle. In respectful partnerships, a conversation will happen once. In disrespectful unions, it will happen over and over again without resolution. There’s no ability to resolve conflict. This is why chaos ensues. It’s a combative relationship where one or both individuals need to disprove the other, maintain control and be right.
9. “In relationships, we often focus on the other person when we should be focusing on ourselves.” —Colleen Sheehy Orme
Understanding our own personalities can improve relationships. If you are a pleaser and a fixer you may gravitate towards a golden child. Constantly picking up life wherever they demand it. If you are a happy-go-lucky individual you might attract yourself to a more difficult personality. Recognizing our own behavior can improve our relationship chances. Instead of focusing on how you feel about someone, determine how they make you feel.
10. “When you have to ask someone to care about you, they’re already telling you they don’t.” — Colleen Sheehy Orme
If you are repeating yourself it’s a red flag. At the very least it’s a disrespectful or immature relationship. At the worst, it’s someone who simply doesn’t care how you feel. Words are expressions. Actions are evidence. Someone who loves you should ultimately hear you. It shouldn’t take months or years to get their attention.
These are just a few of the universal phrases I tell my children.
They have a common theme.
Authentic confidence involves a mature ego. It neglects the need to force yourself on another. And it promotes profound respect. It’s open-hearted and open-minded.
Or as I tell my children…
A good relationship involves love, a great relationship includes respect.
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