I Tried to Save My Marriage by Myself

A foolish mistake too many of us make.

My husband went to marriage counseling twice for the wrong reason.

He knew I was going to leave him. The first time, after eight years of marriage when I packed up our boys and walked out the door. And then again ten years later.

Do I think my husband loved me?

Yes, as much as he was capable of loving anyone but he loved himself more. He loved being in control and being right. The thought of compromise was unnatural to him.

“You’re never going to change me,” he would say.

An arrogantly proud declaration in his mind.

Sadly, he couldn’t have been more wrong, I loved who he was. Even the marriage counselor said I put him on a pedestal. I wanted him to take accountability for his behavior. To be self-responsible and stop hurting me.

When my husband was nice he was very, very nice.

But when he was mean, he was very, very mean.

I was seeking personal growth not an entirely new man. I wanted calm within our relationship, not the unhealthy cycle that made me leave after eight years and again years later.

We say we are ‘fighting for our marriage.’ It sounds noble, doesn’t it? We think it signifies love, family, and priorities.

And it does, but only for one person.

Not the other spouse who isn’t fighting alongside us.

But we don’t relent, I certainly did not. I begged and begged my husband to continue in counseling when he refused to go back. I did it for several reasons. I’m an undeterred fixer, I believe anything can be resolved. At least I used to.

And I knew my husband didn’t want to leave me.

But loving someone and living with them are two different things. I was the spouse who craved love and he was the one content with living together. Occupation was his version of marriage, existing within the same four walls.

He didn’t know what emotional intimacy was so he didn’t miss it.

But even if he had, he would have needed to fight for me.

Rather than resist me which was his approach to our marital problems. I wanted to fix and he wanted to fight. Passive-aggressively not overtly he sent an inflexible message.

I was attempting peace talks and he was holding the line. It’s one of the reasons he always said, “You're never going to win Colleen.” Certainly, not the language of someone invested in marriage counseling, let alone saving a relationship.

I was never ‘fighting for our marriage.’

I was delaying the inevitable. Our marriage was already beyond saving. My husband kept demonstrating this. He was physically present and emotionally as available as he was ever going to be capable of.

This was enough for him but not enough for me.

One person can’t save a relationship.

Though I once thought they could.

Now I wonder why anyone would want to.