CLUSTER B PERSONALITY DISORDERS

10 Signs You Might Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

For those who ever wondered whether they are narcissists

Most articles I have come across on this are there to reassure people that they are definitely not narcissists because narcissists are evil monsters who would never doubt themselves or even think they might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Similarly, when people who have been in abusive relationships ask this question, they are immediately hit back with ‘Victims of abuse cannot possibly be narcissists because narcissists are always the abusers’.

Obviously, all of these are incorrect and biased assumptions. Narcissists are human. They can be aware of their disorder and can also end up being victims of domestic abuse. In fact, they often do — people with personality disorders tend to attract each other and contrary to the common misperception, most relationships (40% — 63%) involving intimate partner violence are mutually abusive.¹

Here are 10 ways to tell if you genuinely might have NPD:

1. You seek to gain approval from other people

This is a part of the alternative diagnostic criteria for NPD in DSM 5:

Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by: 1. Impairments in self-functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.²

Narcissists need other people’s approval to feel good about themselves. They want to be admired and adulated. This is why they tend to be prosocial as opposed to antisocial like psychopaths — they do not like to be seen in a negative light.

2. You struggle with perfectionism

This can manifest as workaholism or eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa. Because narcissists rely on others’ approval to regulate their self-esteem, they have an innate need to be perfect. The more insecurities they have, the more perfectionistic they will tend to be.

Unlike the perfectionistic tendencies we can find amongst healthy people, narcissists take this to the extreme. Most narcissists strive for grandiose standards and extremely high ideals that are impossible to attain. Having any faults or weaknesses exposed to other people makes them feel very shameful and this causes them to be highly vulnerable to life setbacks.

3. You are very materialistic and class conscious

Narcissists love status and prestige as they want people to pay attention to them and envy them. Appearances are very important to narcissists and this mainly comes from being dependent on other people’s approval. They tend to value shallow possessions that they can brag about and show off. Being rich or being good-looking are considered more significant than relationships.

4. You have been in multiple abusive relationships

People who are similar attract each other, which means it’s quite common for people with personality disorders to end up in relationships. For instance, it’s not unusual for two narcissists or a narcissist and a borderline to date.

5. You struggle with low self-esteem and high levels of anxiety, especially social anxiety

There is no such thing as a confident narcissist. Narcissists often present a façade of confidence, however, this is to prevent people from seeing through their insecurities. They also struggle with a lot of social anxiety. Because they are perfectionistic and their self-esteem depends on other people’s opinions and approval, this puts a lot of pressure on them to always try to appear a certain way.

6. You have a fearful-avoidant attachment style but you present a façade of indifference towards intimate partners

Fearful avoidant attachment style consists of both fears of abandonment and enmeshment. Narcissists are very co-dependent and fear abandonment, however, they have strong dismissive features. They try to hide their dependency by putting up a façade of indifference. They fear being seen as weak and dependent, as due to their early adverse experiences they associate dependence as something that leads to pain.

7. You believe empathy, love and emotions are weaknesses

Not every narcissist would agree with this — some are more developmentally mature. Those with Histrionic Personality Disorder, for instance, are much more open to being empathetic, even though they are pathological narcissists in many ways. Most narcissists do hold these beliefs though because they are convinced that if they acknowledge their emotions, these will be used against them to manipulate or take advantage of them. They are often proud of their lack of empathy and openly admit their contempt for weakness.

8. You seek attention. A lot.

Narcissists need attention to regulate their self-esteem, which means they desire to be the center of attention in any situation. This is also known as narcissistic supply. We all seek narcissistic supply, as all humans want to be acknowledged, but for narcissists, it’s almost an addiction.

This is a very good example of someone with the disorder. He says ‘any attention is good attention’ and does not even hesitate to get fillers that are dangerous for him because having huge lips attract attention, which is what he craves.

Narcissists can go to extreme lengths to gain attention. They may play the victim to get sympathy, brag a lot despite sounding arrogant and try to draw attention to themselves in inappropriate situations and events such as business meetings or a funeral.

9. You struggle with high levels of envy and you’re competitive

Envy arises from not just having insecurities, but also the tendency to measure one’s self-worth in comparison to other people. Narcissists feel good about themselves when they manage to be the best at something or they feel they are better than the people around them. When other people are achieving more or getting more attention, however, their self-esteem is lowered. In other words, their confidence does not come from within. Their self-esteem is completely dependent on external validation.

10. You are passive-aggressive

People with personality disorders struggle to be direct as they have difficulty expressing themselves and their emotions. Because of this, they end up finding other ways to communicate their anger and resentment. Silent treatment, backhanded compliments, keeping score in relationships, high levels of sarcasm, denying the existence of problems, and refusing to talk about them are all signs of passive aggression.

Narcissists don’t like to appear weak, and as a result, if something has bothered them, they are unlikely to express their anger directly. So for instance, if their partners came home very late and this bothered them, talking about it directly would indicate that they care. Because they want to maintain their façade of indifference, they are likely to resort to passive-aggressive behaviours such as being cold towards their partner all evening or giving them the silent treatment.

References:

[1]: Dutton, D. G. (2007). The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships. (2nd ed.). The Guildford Press.

[2]: American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

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