SATIRE
Zen Lessons from a Bitch
The secret to happiness revealed by a Malti-poo
I love my parents. Their good people. Salt of the Earth. But they — like most of you humans — desperately need my help.
The Problem
The problem with your species is as old as time: you’re always worrying. My dad worries about the weather, the cost of gas, the stock market, COVID — and those are just the external things. Then there’s the physical stuff consuming him: the ache in his knees, the pain in his neck (literally), the last bowel movement he had.
And mom’s worrying is just a different flavor: I hear her on the phone all day, gabbing away to whoever is listening about everything that might go wrong with so-and-so’s pregnancy, cancer diagnosis, infidelity — again, the list is longer than Trump’s face is orange!
The Problem is Never the Problem
Listen very closely humans: the issues you stress about are never the real problem! They are symptoms of a deeper issue.
The problem is Fear is running the show, not you.
On the Leash
It’s ironic: you put us on leashes, but you are the real chained animals. You’re the ones on an invisible leash — barking about how unhappy you are, following the barked orders of another.
You laugh when we play catch-my-tail. But we know we are playing a game. Meanwhile, you poor humans are constantly chasing your own tail: comparing yourself to others on Instagram and Facebook, salivating for your next hit of dopamine that arrives with another “Like.” Pathetic.
Canine School
You send us to “Dog School” — as if we need to learn how to be a dog — PULEASE! You get yourself all worked up to get us there on time, then you complain about the cost, and we still end up running the house.
YOU need Dog School!
We bitches know the Art of Chilling. Living in the moment. We know the pure ecstasy of smelling another dog’s butt, the delight of dreaming about bacon while laying on furniture you expressly told us not to get up on.
What Dogs Do
We live in the moment. We are forever living at what your species stops doing around 5 human years. Seriously, young humans are just like us. What happens to you people?!
See a squirrel? We pounce. Hear we’re heading for a ride in the car — let’s roll! You have a cookie? Our mouths are already open.
We Are Lovers
I LOOOOVE my Mom and Dad. LOVE, LOVE, LOOOOVE them! And they don’t question it because my furry body jumps up and down every-single-time-I-see-them.
You humans chase happiness but never seem to get that happiness is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
- Happiness is in your lap (me:-).
- Happiness is tasting food (I’ll have whatever you’re having:-)
- Happiness is the way I look at you with eyes filling up with emotion that no amount of Kleenex could wipe away
Call to Action
Listen up people: remove your invisible leashes. Stop focusing on your pains, your losses, your fears and just notice how yummy the sun feels on your back, how delicious someone’s ass smells (okay, maybe that one’s more for my kind than yours), how wonderful it is to love and be loved.