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Abstract

you need our help faster than you can say, Kibble-n-Bits!</p><h2 id="7c95">Why You Need Me</h2><p id="7d82">I hear you humans say all the time: “If only these walls could talk.”</p><p id="f6bb">Oh, we are them walls!</p><p id="54c2">We hear and see you fools doing everything wrong. It’s why my man comes home from a hard day at wherever-the-hell-he-goes and comes to me first. <i>Not</i> his old lady. ME!</p><blockquote id="c790"><p>My man wants to feel special. He wants to snuggle. He wants to see some tail-wagging-action.</p></blockquote><p id="f24f">But his Old Lady? Hell, she’s busy giving them kids their nightly grub, giving them a bath, getting them to bed.</p><h2 id="a65f">What Humans (Really) Are</h2><p id="12e9">Take it from this Bitch of a Love Whisperer.</p><p id="01f5" type="7">We know humans are the real animals.</p><p id="6162">We know they just want to be held. We know they need to be looked at like they are the only thing that matters in this whole world.</p><p id="e85a">But the Old Lady? She tired. I know ’cause she barks it out all the time! Who’d want to snuggle up to<i> that</i>?</p><h2 id="18ed">Kibble for Thought</h2><p id="9a1a">If you want to experience love like my man does with me, wag that tail! Hold your human real tight

Options

. Jump up and down to see them.Get back to your man’s bed, roll all over those sheets, letting your scent linger and tease him.That’s when the real love happens.</p><figure id="0557"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*ReVeh-rKPgErI6RCx1HO9A.jpeg"><figcaption>This is me, posing for My Man, showing my pearly whites just how he likes. (Image from the author)</figcaption></figure><div id="1dff" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/dear-men-dating-dos-don-ts-5a6d03f45831"> <div> <div> <h2>Dear Men: Dating Do’s & Don’ts</h2> <div><h3>Wondering where your balls went? Let’s get them back for you.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*M96c_jUaZhAAQ8-AAZ0I7g.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="9a00"><a href="https://sherijacobs.medium.com/membership">Member Referral Link</a>: Consider grabbing a $5 per month membership using my referral link. Doesn’t cost you anything extra and it will help support writers like me.</p></article></body>

Funny Life

My (Secret) Lover

Love Lessons from a Wise Bitch

Want more love? You got to give it! (Image from Pexels)

Oh you sad humans. Of course, you showed up to read my words of wisdom. No doubt your love life is suffering.

Good news: you came to the right PAW— er, PLACE.

The Love Whisperer

My name is Cassie. On the outside, I look like your average (yet seriously adorable) Golden-doodle.

But on the inside? I’m a Sexy Goddess, living the good life in a wealthy Long Island suburb.

You silly humans spend your kibble on The Dog Whisperer. You jump through hoops to understand the four-legged miracles we truly are.

What a waste of good dog chow!

Your Sex Life

See, we canines know what really matters. Your sex life. Your love life. And from where this bitch is sitting (on my man’s bed — we’ll get to that later), you need our help faster than you can say, Kibble-n-Bits!

Why You Need Me

I hear you humans say all the time: “If only these walls could talk.”

Oh, we are them walls!

We hear and see you fools doing everything wrong. It’s why my man comes home from a hard day at wherever-the-hell-he-goes and comes to me first. Not his old lady. ME!

My man wants to feel special. He wants to snuggle. He wants to see some tail-wagging-action.

But his Old Lady? Hell, she’s busy giving them kids their nightly grub, giving them a bath, getting them to bed.

What Humans (Really) Are

Take it from this Bitch of a Love Whisperer.

We know humans are the real animals.

We know they just want to be held. We know they need to be looked at like they are the only thing that matters in this whole world.

But the Old Lady? She tired. I know ’cause she barks it out all the time! Who’d want to snuggle up to that?

Kibble for Thought

If you want to experience love like my man does with me, wag that tail! Hold your human real tight. Jump up and down to see them.Get back to your man’s bed, roll all over those sheets, letting your scent linger and tease him.That’s when the real love happens.

This is me, posing for My Man, showing my pearly whites just how he likes. (Image from the author)

Dear Men: Dating Do’s & Don’ts

Wondering where your balls went? Let’s get them back for you.

medium.com

Member Referral Link: Consider grabbing a $5 per month membership using my referral link. Doesn’t cost you anything extra and it will help support writers like me.