You’ve Had an Affair D-day. Now What?
“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Anonymous
Devastated Reader, if you stumbled upon this article because you have recently experienced an affair D-day (discovery day), you are among friends. The goal of this article is to provide immediate support for one of the most shocking events in your life. This article is written specifically for the cheating spouse. As you will see by my list of google searches below, there are already plenty of self-help articles for the betrayed spouse.
Now of course the critics will say, “Well what did you expect? Anyone in an affair should always realize that you will eventually get caught.” I’ll get back to this question in a moment. First I need to stress that my voice will differ from all the crap that you find in Internet searches. You may have already googled, “Affair D-day.” What results did you get, Reader in Crisis?
Here’s the first page that I found:
Affair Recovery — A Survivor’s Perspective
Beyond Affairs — A betrayed spouse’s first year beyond the affair
A WordPress blog on healing after my husband’s affair
Infidelity Healing — Our fourth anniversary after D-day
How one wife dealt with D-day of her husband’s infidelity
Recovery from the affair — Focus on the family
I can go on and on since all the articles fit the same theme. The results offer support and guidance to the betrayed spouse. Which at first glance may seem to be a logical solution for a spouse that feels pained and humiliated. But there is a huge problem with these top ranking Google articles.
They all put the blame on the cheating spouse.
When an affair happens, it’s because the marriage has broken down. Unfortunately, the betrayed spouse is too busy shouting “cheater!” and not taking a look at their own behavior in the breakdown of the marriage. I wrote extensively on this subject, Deceit in Marriage Goes Both Ways and Sometimes Then an Affair Happens.
Gentle Reader, in my humble opinion, if there is any chance of affair recovery it certainly isn’t going to happen if all fingers are going to point to one person. Because the cheating happened as a symptom. It doesn’t always have to be inevitable. But now I’m veering away from the intention of this article. This is easy to do as my loyal readers often find that I get agitated by hypocrisy. And that google search just majorly aggravated me.
Why isn’t there support for both spouses? I guess that’s where I come in.
On to D-day advice….
You will not be prepared for the magnitude of emotions that will come with the discovery. This goes back to the observation I said I’d get back to. “Well, what did you expect? Anyone in an affair should always realize that you will eventually get caught.” First of all, yes, anyone who engages in an affair should expect that there is a chance the affair will be discovered. However, I take issue with the claim that you should be ready. This isn’t a test you are studying for. No matter how much you practice your answers, you will be alarmed by your spouse’s reaction. No one takes the discovery of an affair in a calm manner. Many spouses lash out, scream, become violent, tell everyone (including the children), and destroy your personal belongings. One woman told me her spouse actually ripped up her birth certificate and social security card. One man’s wife announced his affair on Facebook. I do not tell you these stories to scare you. I make this point to warn you that you can never really know how a person will react. Expect the worst.
Make no promises to either your spouse or your affair partner. This is not the time to make rash or impulsive assurances. I absolutely get that it will be challenging. The critics often can’t wrap their heads around that you do care for your spouse. You don’t want to cause them pain. Therefore the delirious and rabid displays of emotion are going to affect you. After all, you are human. Try to get a handle on that. DO NOT make any promises. I’m not being so bold to assume that this will be easy. Who on earth doesn’t want to take a person’s pain away? Sometimes the quickest way to do that is by getting down on your knees and swearing it will never happen again. But you don’t know that for sure, do you?
Now this will also be unpopular with the other crowd but don’t make any assurances to your affair partner. I know. I know. I was there and I get how that stings. When my affair partner had his D-day, he specifically asked me to give him space so that he could work through the fallout. At the time, I was angry that his first reaction was not to try to keep me in his life. Now that I look back, I was unreasonable. I could have saved myself a lot of heartaches if I just stepped back and let it all play out.
Refuse to discuss details of the affair with your spouse. The biggest misconception is that the affair was all about the mistress. No, the affair was a reaction to a husband and a wife that didn’t make their marriage a priority. The third party is not responsible for the marriage crumbling. Discussing the details just contributes to the fire. It puts the emphasis on the affair instead of your marriage. Besides, the questions are a black hole that never gets filled. Once you start answering questions, they will never stop.
Agree to go to therapy. Even if you decide that the marriage is irrevocably broken, agree to go to therapy. Use a professional to help you navigate all the issues that you and your spouse will have to work through. A therapist is not a guarantee that you can then have an amicable divorce. But if there’s a chance that someone can help your separation proceed in a less hostile manner, trust me, take it. It is worth your time. If anything you will appreciate being able to tell your side of the story in a calm office setting. My husband told me he couldn’t wait to go to therapy together so that the marriage counselor will “…lay into my slut wife”. Yes, those were his exact words. You can imagine his surprise when the male marriage counselor, instead, confronted my husband on his temper and verbal abuse.
Be open that this might have been an exit affair. Unfortunately, exit affairs are not a huge neon exit sign that you follow out the door. Many times a person doesn’t realize just how unhappy they are until they find themselves in an affair. Why? Because when we are in a crisis, we often self-preserve. We stuff our emotions down deep until we no longer even recognize ourselves in the mirror. When you don’t confront your misery, you don’t have to deal with it. Until the affair…and then what is missing in your life is the green light that you speed through before it goes away.
Gentle Reader, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. D-days are shocking and traumatic. But if I can offer any encouragement, it is that you will emerge from the fire with a better sense of what you want and need. Yes, it will get very messy. But we all know that messes can be cleaned up. Although I find it works better to use specific store brands. The mop I used was called Determination and the bucket was named Opportunity.
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