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Abstract

impulsive decision out of desperation. But in the meantime, if I can be so bold as to answer my own question. Of course, the boys do not deserve the same punishment for the same act of stealing. In fact, I’ll go even further. I don’t think the first boy deserves punishment at all. How about a ride to the local food pantry instead?</p><p id="7490">Aaah, deception. Such an ugly word but what does it really mean? The act of hiding the truth, especially to get an advantage. One contemplating reader responded to my post with the point that adultery is always wrong because the act involves deception. The problem with accusing deceptive behavior in an affair is that we first have to examine the marriage contract. After all, we should understand what<i> truth </i>a cheating spouse is acting against.</p><p id="a303">Betrayed spouses. Here’s your opportunity to leave the room. Because if you truly believe you were a spouse that was working on your marriage only to be blindsided by the affair, the rest of this dialogue does not pertain to you. As I wrote above, I’m not ignorant that there are cheaters who are abusers. I am not defending those people. If you were subject to this behavior, you have my deepest sympathies. No one deserves to be mistreated in such a cruel manner.</p><p id="1c4f">Okay, now that we cleared the room from a completely different scenario, we are free to move on to discuss more common marriage breakdowns.</p><p id="3aa0">Affairs exist because the marriage is in trouble. It is this writer’s opinion that the entire institution of marriage is malfunctioning toward a total collapse. From a <b>Psychology Today</b> article, <i>Is Getting Married a Bad Deal for Women? </i>(May 16, 2021), “What are the odds of winning? Statistically, they are not great: 40–50% of marriages, in the U.S. at least end in divorce….and that’s not counting the couples who stay married but are estranged. So the chance any given marriage would last is about 1 in 2. The chance a marriage would not only last but be a happy one is smaller.”</p><p id="75c5">You don’t have to be a teacher to know that 50% is a dismal failure rate. This is where the protesters scream “Well you don’t have to cheat. If your marriage sucks then get divorced first!”</p><p id="5d3c">Yes, of course, the best way is to get divorced first. But that sentiment usually comes from a person that never took the time to understand an exit affair. I wrote extensively about exit affairs and how they are often a natural progression to divorce.</p><div id="86e1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-believe-that-most-affairs-are-exit-affairs-8664a498828b"> <div> <div> <h2>I Believe That Most Affairs Are Exit Affairs</h2> <div><h3>“Look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.” — Tom Stoppard</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div>

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    </div><p id="0e05">Why is that? Because it sometimes happens that when we step out of the marriage, we discover exactly why we are so unhappy. Human beings in distress do a remarkable job of burying their heads in the sand. It’s called survival.</p><p id="05d2">As couples often do when they are in crisis, they try and figure it out. But as they go through that process, the unspeakable begins to occur. “Holy crap, I’m not in love with this person anymore.” You’ve invested a lot of yourself in this relationship and who wants to fail? At the end of the day, no one says on their wedding day, “I can’t wait to get divorced.” You WANT to be in love with your spouse. You don’t want to break up the family. You have a history and…a huge financial investment. So, you keep trying but it’s not there. Maybe part of the reason the passion is wilting like that plant you forgot to water for two weeks is that your partner is also not trying.</p><p id="1aff">Let’s consider this survey. The University of Denver conducted research on divorce in a study called <i>The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program</i>. This research tracked newly divorced couples that had been married for 14 years. They were asked to give the reasons for the divorce. A whopping 75% said the number one reason was a lack of commitment to the marriage.</p><p id="fa19">Remember, Astute Reader, that I’m taking out the betrayed spouse that felt they tried to make the marriage work. What is left then? Well, then both partners have given up on the marriage. No dates. No sex. No touching. The only communication is about the children. No one asking who is watering the plants. Or it could be that the cheating spouse had tried to make this work. “I need sex.” “I need dates.” “Can you get off the couch and help me?” “Can you please talk to me?” This sounds like a recipe for impulsive behavior out of desperation.</p><p id="6b47">The deception had begun before the cheating spouse got any ideas. How so? By the very nature of the word, deception. The act of hiding the truth. The marriage had died yet both spouses used concealment as an advantage. Because the truth is more palatable when no one has to lose anything. Not half of their retirement savings or the family home. A crisis makes people panic. And when people are panicked they tend not to look at a situation rationally.</p><p id="f45a">Can you morally uphold a contract based on false premises?</p><p id="85ab">From the brilliant Professor Laura Kipnis of Northwestern University, “If the conventions we’re pledged to sustain aren’t permanently sustainable, or not always and not for everyone, despite insisting on a no-questions-asked commitment to them, well, who’s being deceptive?”</p></article></body>

Deceit in Marriage Goes Both Ways and Sometimes Then an Affair Happens

“Awesome, no more divorces!” by merfam is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

“The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.” Oscar Wilde

The irate responses have begun. How dare I write in defense of those horrible adulterers? They are society’s scourge, and our social fabric has deteriorated because of them. Life would be perfect as long as those marriage vows are obeyed!

The angry responses to my blog posts seem to fit into two categories which I will summarize below:

1) Adulterers must take on all the punishment. After all, the betrayed spouse was blindsided, victimized, and allowed no choice.

2) The reason there is no defense is that the very act is synonymous with deception. The marriage contract upholds the sanctity of the promise and therefore any deviation is a betrayal.

Receptive Reader, before diving in, I feel the need to clear something up. I do not encourage cheating. My stance on adultery has not wavered. Some people engage in the act because they’re…well to be blunt… an asshole. Yes, I can agree that those people exist and I have no patience with cruelty.

The issue I have in any discussion on cheating is the all-or-nothing approach. Adultery is not a “one size fits all”. As every relationship is different and every marriage is different, then why are we shocked that every affair is different? The furious people that respond to my posts seem to feel that there can only be one punishment for adultery. Then I’d ask these same people how they would handle “punishment” for various crimes.

Two fourteen-year-old boys are sitting in the police station. One was arrested for stealing a loaf of bread. We come to find out that his parents are drug addicts and he is often in charge of watching over his three younger siblings. The children are hungry and no food or money is in the home. The boy steals food to feed his siblings. Yes, he could have reached out for help. He made an impulsive decision out of desperation.

The second boy was arrested for stealing a purse from an old lady. He was dared by a group of peers to commit the act. He was also impulsive but his only goal was to impress his friends.

Do both of these boys deserve the same punishment for stealing?

Stay with me, Devoted Reader, because I’m going to come back to that notion of making an impulsive decision out of desperation. But in the meantime, if I can be so bold as to answer my own question. Of course, the boys do not deserve the same punishment for the same act of stealing. In fact, I’ll go even further. I don’t think the first boy deserves punishment at all. How about a ride to the local food pantry instead?

Aaah, deception. Such an ugly word but what does it really mean? The act of hiding the truth, especially to get an advantage. One contemplating reader responded to my post with the point that adultery is always wrong because the act involves deception. The problem with accusing deceptive behavior in an affair is that we first have to examine the marriage contract. After all, we should understand what truth a cheating spouse is acting against.

Betrayed spouses. Here’s your opportunity to leave the room. Because if you truly believe you were a spouse that was working on your marriage only to be blindsided by the affair, the rest of this dialogue does not pertain to you. As I wrote above, I’m not ignorant that there are cheaters who are abusers. I am not defending those people. If you were subject to this behavior, you have my deepest sympathies. No one deserves to be mistreated in such a cruel manner.

Okay, now that we cleared the room from a completely different scenario, we are free to move on to discuss more common marriage breakdowns.

Affairs exist because the marriage is in trouble. It is this writer’s opinion that the entire institution of marriage is malfunctioning toward a total collapse. From a Psychology Today article, Is Getting Married a Bad Deal for Women? (May 16, 2021), “What are the odds of winning? Statistically, they are not great: 40–50% of marriages, in the U.S. at least end in divorce….and that’s not counting the couples who stay married but are estranged. So the chance any given marriage would last is about 1 in 2. The chance a marriage would not only last but be a happy one is smaller.”

You don’t have to be a teacher to know that 50% is a dismal failure rate. This is where the protesters scream “Well you don’t have to cheat. If your marriage sucks then get divorced first!”

Yes, of course, the best way is to get divorced first. But that sentiment usually comes from a person that never took the time to understand an exit affair. I wrote extensively about exit affairs and how they are often a natural progression to divorce.

I Believe That Most Affairs Are Exit Affairs

“Look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.” — Tom Stoppard

medium.com

Why is that? Because it sometimes happens that when we step out of the marriage, we discover exactly why we are so unhappy. Human beings in distress do a remarkable job of burying their heads in the sand. It’s called survival.

As couples often do when they are in crisis, they try and figure it out. But as they go through that process, the unspeakable begins to occur. “Holy crap, I’m not in love with this person anymore.” You’ve invested a lot of yourself in this relationship and who wants to fail? At the end of the day, no one says on their wedding day, “I can’t wait to get divorced.” You WANT to be in love with your spouse. You don’t want to break up the family. You have a history and…a huge financial investment. So, you keep trying but it’s not there. Maybe part of the reason the passion is wilting like that plant you forgot to water for two weeks is that your partner is also not trying.

Let’s consider this survey. The University of Denver conducted research on divorce in a study called The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. This research tracked newly divorced couples that had been married for 14 years. They were asked to give the reasons for the divorce. A whopping 75% said the number one reason was a lack of commitment to the marriage.

Remember, Astute Reader, that I’m taking out the betrayed spouse that felt they tried to make the marriage work. What is left then? Well, then both partners have given up on the marriage. No dates. No sex. No touching. The only communication is about the children. No one asking who is watering the plants. Or it could be that the cheating spouse had tried to make this work. “I need sex.” “I need dates.” “Can you get off the couch and help me?” “Can you please talk to me?” This sounds like a recipe for impulsive behavior out of desperation.

The deception had begun before the cheating spouse got any ideas. How so? By the very nature of the word, deception. The act of hiding the truth. The marriage had died yet both spouses used concealment as an advantage. Because the truth is more palatable when no one has to lose anything. Not half of their retirement savings or the family home. A crisis makes people panic. And when people are panicked they tend not to look at a situation rationally.

Can you morally uphold a contract based on false premises?

From the brilliant Professor Laura Kipnis of Northwestern University, “If the conventions we’re pledged to sustain aren’t permanently sustainable, or not always and not for everyone, despite insisting on a no-questions-asked commitment to them, well, who’s being deceptive?”