I Believe That Most Affairs Are Exit Affairs

“Look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.” — Tom Stoppard

As a middle-aged woman, I’ve seen rapid changes in relationships over the past forty years. I have a recollection of a time when I was in middle school. I wanted to go on a camping trip with my best friend. My mother wouldn’t let me go because my friend’s mom was bringing her fiance. I can still remember exactly how my mother hissed the word, divorced, when describing my friend’s mother. The moment is burned in my memory of the stigma of divorce. I was schooled that it was an act of disgrace and dishonor. Fast forward to today and you will find that most people are more accepting of divorce and believe it should become an easier process.

I watched the news in 2004 with my children when Massachusetts became the first state to legalize same-sex marriage. This was days after one of my sons was bullied on the playground for defending the right of his uncle to get married to his husband. I recall the proud moment when my son turned to me and said “Soon we will be celebrating when our state joins the list.”

After my own divorce at age 52, I experienced amusing surprise at the number of dating profiles that listed consensual non-monogamy as a preference. I thought to myself “Wow, people are really becoming open-minded.”

I’ve been researching the dynamics of affairs for the past decade. Here’s another fascinating statistic. A 2021 survey by Health Testing centers found that 46% of respondents have reported having an affair.

Here’s the deal, Inquisitive Reader. I knew it was that high. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here. Ever since my time as a mistress and connecting in online forums to discuss affairs with others, the stories kept coming and coming. Everyone knows someone in an affair.

Curious Reader, can I be frank? Yes, we know of these juicy gossipy stories but that doesn’t include the ones that are able to keep their relationships a secret. Because let’s face it, some people are adept at being private. I always felt deep in my gut that there are a lot more cheaters out there than the surveys are catching.

While many people today accept that kink is natural (Hello fifty shades fans), divorce isn’t shameful, gay people have a right to be married, and it isn’t cool to have an issue with your swinging neighbors as long as the blinds stay closed, there is one sentiment that hasn’t budged. Affairs.

Oh boy, Roused Reader, what is it about that word? (Okay, I know that’s a stupid question). Affairs make people angry because they feel it is a betrayal. They believe in traditional marriage vows, for better, for worse…until death do us part. Which is all well and good in a perfect world. Especially when we used to die in our forties. But relationships are not faultless and pure. People grow apart and change. Others find that monogamy is not a natural fit.

“Why don’t you just get divorced?” says the rabble-rouser crowd that wants to harshly judge adulterers.

Well…yes…the divorce is going to happen. But unfortunately in life, things don’t always snap in place so conveniently. An affair may just happen first. Actually, if you look at the statistic I first quoted, it usually does.

Let’s keep analyzing, Introspective Reader. Here’s another statistic to ponder. From that same survey, 24% of marriages that experienced an affair made the decision to stay together. Here’s where Tullia exclaims “Whoa, stop right there.” Because in my anecdotal experiences with couples that stayed married after an affair, the marriage never seemed to recover. Granted I am speaking from my interactions with betrayed spouses that stalked our mistress forums to harass, provoke and castigate us as the dregs of society. These people were ANGRY (cap locks on purpose here). One can also do a little perusing of articles here on Medium to see the extent of people who stayed married to a cheater. It’s all not very inspirational.

Gentle Reader, that right there is my confusion. Many psychological studies paint affairs as either a cry for help or an exit strategy. It is the “cry for help” that gives me pause. Because to me this thought process is consumed with unrealistic hope. It assumes that you can save your marriage. But…this works for only 24% of couples. My sincere concern is that out of this 24%, how many truly recover?

My best friend, Farrah, had an affair over 15 years ago. The affair was discovered and Farrah’s then-husband called the affair partner’s wife. You can surmise, Wise Reader, that it all turned quite ugly. It was an exit affair for Farrah but her affair partner stayed in his marriage. Farrah divorced and eventually remarried several years later. She is in a happy marriage. Yet about five years ago, her affair partner contacted her. Farrah keeps it all low-key. She often plays “words with friends” with him and leaves it at that. But he messages her from time to time asking if they could meet. She refuses to do so. He has made comments to her that his wife still brings up Farrah’s name and subsequently becomes angry and lashes out.

Fifteen. Years. Later. Was that a marriage worth saving?

And before the betrayed victim camp writes me angry responses, I’m not dismissing that this man’s wife was devastated and hurt. That isn’t my point. My line of reasoning follows that when an affair happens, it is because the marriage is over. If we can accept that divorce is a natural process because not every marriage is able to make it in the long term, then we need to stop reacting to exit affairs.

Curious Reader, do you think that society will ever accept an exit affair as a natural progression towards divorce?

Let’s examine one of the greatest love stories of all time. Yes, it is fiction. But you, Intelligent Reader, can follow my lead. It is 1912 on the ship that could never sink. Seventeen-year-old Rose is engaged to the wealthy Cal. We know from the start that it is an unhappy union. Rose’s mother is a widow. Apparently, they had an upscale lifestyle but after the death of Rose’s father, the family hit hard times. Rose’s mother is aware of Rose’s unhappiness with her betrothal but tells her to get over it. Otherwise, the family’s financial status will come out and it will be a scandal. Her mother even guilts her by saying “Do you want me to be a seamstress?” Oh, the horrors.

We quickly observe Cal’s cruel side. His mockery and derision. His borderline abusive behavior. It doesn’t take long for the audience to see Rose’s future. When Rose falls for a third-class passenger, Jack, a great love story ensues. No trolls left reviews that attacked Rose for cheating on her fiance. And let’s be clear. In 1912, being engaged was the same status as being married. One only needs to look at what Cal said to Rose when he discovered that she had feelings for Jack. “You are my wife in practice if not yet by law, so you will honor me. You will honor me the way a wife is required to honor a husband.”

Rose tried to avoid Jack. After all, she knew what was expected of her. Yet in the end, we all see that you can’t fight those feelings of love. Enter the exit affair. We wanted them to make it off that boat together. We wanted Rose to leave Cal. The love between Rose and Jack was passionate and strong. Ooh…and a little steamy too. The audience was cheering for Rose and Jack.

We can do it, society! We can be practical that not every marriage is going to make it and sometimes we find love before we leave the present relationship. In turn, we can empathize with the betrayed spouse for their hurt feelings and emotional pain and hope that in time, everyone will heal. An exit affair can help a person make a healthy decision that leads to a more psychologically sound life.

Although my advice to you is if you are in an exit affair, please make sure you know where the lifeboats are.