You’ve Been Trying Hard Your Whole Life — Maybe It’s Time to Try Softer

7 ways to learn to rest and recover

What is your reaction when someone says “do your best” or “try harder”? Do you believe that doing your best means pushing and striving, going above and beyond, and never stopping until the tasks are all done perfectly? Do you think that the only way to do your best is to relentlessly try harder?

What if you were able to flip the script on its head and instead of trying harder you began to try softer?

Mindset shifts are amazing because they can bring clarity — sometimes almost instantly. And clarity can change everything, as long as we’re willing to walk in the wisdom that clarity brings.

The recipe for burnout

I was raised to make hay while the sun shone, but that was a recipe for burnout. Coupled with my propensity toward perfectionism, I was destined to burn out eventually.

I also didn’t know how to say “no.” I thought I did, but I didn’t. I was always seeking the approval of others — work, home, church — that I dared not say no to a request. I wouldn’t be a team player, a good mom, or a dedicated Christian.

So I became like the little Mikey boy in the Life cereal commercial from the ’70s: Give it to Mikey, he’ll eat anything.

Give it to Mary/mom, she’ll do anything. And she’ll do it hard, she’ll do it better, she’ll make it great, and I won’t have to worry about it because she’ll lose sleep worrying about it and getting it done.

I adopted the Try Harder attitude toward everything in life. I couldn’t work out three days a week; I had to work out six days a week. Body image is only one area where I have tried too hard.

I employed the Try Harder adage toward my marriage, my role as a mother, my career, and learning any new thing. If I can’t do something superbly well I tend to quit. Perfection is a cold bed-fellow and leaves us with an empty feeling inside.

But my body finally had enough of this Try Harder approach to life and it rebelled. Unable to go on pushing myself (and those around me), I needed to stop and re-evaluate my approach to life.

The 7 principles of trying softer

It wasn’t an overnight transformation and I am still a work in progress, but I would like to share seven things I did to move from a striving mindset to a rest-based life.

Listen to and honor your body. We can learn a lot from the critters we share our world with. My dogs rest when they are tired, stretch when they get up from a nap, and overall love to be pampered.

Why are we, the human species, so hard on our bodies? Stress can do damage that is almost impossible to undo and can sideline us from living our best lives. If we learn to listen and be still long enough, and consistently enough, we’ll learn the subtle messages our body is telling us.

That indigestion you get after talking with a certain friend — maybe it’s time to examine that friendship and its place in your life.

The pounding headaches that only start at work and never on the weekends could be a sign that the environment you spend much of your time in is toxic and it’s time to spruce up your resume.

The anxiety that pushes you to grab chips and chocolate? Journal about it and see what circumstances surround those moments.

Your body is your friend, a trusted guide, not to be dishonored and pushed to its limits.

Rest. This includes physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional but you’ll reap immediate benefits by starting with physical.

Did you know it’s actually a spiritual discipline to rest? God modeled rest for us when He rested on the seventh day of creation. He also established guidelines for His people around rest and hustle when He taught them to observe the Sabbath day and the Sabbath year.

What God was really teaching His people to do is to trust Him for their needs. When we fail to stop and rest, we are sending a not-so-subtle message to God that we are the providers of our lives, not Him.

Can you trust God enough for all your needs that you can let things go for a while? For some of us strivers and perfectionists, it takes more faith and discipline to rest than to do more.

Faith and trust are manifested in our willingness to rest in Him.

— Mary Gallagher

Simplify. I have found that one needs to simplify in all areas of life and simplify on a regular basis. Like weeds, complications and complexities of life seem to multiply while we aren’t paying attention.

Simplifying takes away much of the pressure we put on ourselves to perform. Taking things off our schedules gives us time to rest, which is being kind to our bodies and minds. All of this contributes to a Try Softer attitude.

Simplifying helps us focus on what we can do, what’s important to do, and gives us permission to let other things go. Sometimes we just need permission to let go of our own expectations.

I have written much about simplifying — here are some of my most helpful articles. Pick one and get started!

Learn to say no. No is a complete sentence. If you find yourself needing to explain your decisions, chances are you need to work on the approval addiction that I once had.

Your need for acceptance can make you invisible to this world. — Jim Carrey

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the LORD means safety. (Proverbs 29:25, NLT)

I was always afraid to say no, at work, at home, at church. I didn’t want to look like I was selfish or not committed. I wanted others to be able to count on me. The problem was I could never take care of myself because I was always taking care of everyone else’s needs or requests.

I know it can be hard to start saying no because we are trained to be pleasant and helpful, but there comes a time when not saying no will back you into a corner called burnout and resentment.

Honor your limitations. Do you have an area of your life that is over-reaching your limitations? Is it possible you have set yourself up for failure by stretching yourself too thin?

Perhaps you have a physical limitation that you need to honor and when you push yourself too hard you end up in bed or in so much pain that you are no good to anyone. Take your limitations into consideration before committing and don’t feel guilty about what you can’t do. Those who love you and care about you will understand and respect your decisions.

When you commit to a way of life or a season in your life, make sure that you are prepared and that it’s reasonable to do. Is what you have committed to now within your ability to achieve? Is it something that you want to do or is it bringing you anxiety and resentment?

Do your best each day. I used to think this meant working myself to the point of a mental or physical breakdown or complete exhaustion.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Doing your best means honoring those limitations we talked about and being at peace with the progress you make each day. Some days your plans implode and that’s okay, you did your best. End the day with gratitude and remember that His mercies are new each morning.

When you learn to rest in this simple truth, you will avoid a host of self-judgment and regret.

Try Softer — be kind to yourself. There’s a lot of talk these days about self-care. When I first heard the term it turned me off. I see now that says a lot about my attitude toward caring for myself.

Self-care is for wimps, I thought. The only way to achieve anything in life is to keep going.

To know me now is to know that I have embraced self-care as a responsible way of living. I continue to catch myself pushing too hard or feeling guilty if I am not doing something, but I am learning that there is no medal for striving and no award for exhaustion.

If you are ready to Try Softer, to move from stressed and anxious to a life of balance and joy, my book recommendation for you is Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.

Aundi is a Christian therapist. She helps others who, like herself, have been prone to striving their whole lives.

Believe me when I say some of Aundi’s descriptions about the way she dealt with life sounded like she was describing me!

Aundi gives practical exercises from a therapeutic standpoint about how we can escape the “‘try harder’ gospel — the message that if we just keep going, keep hustling, keep pretending everything is great, we’ll find success and happiness.” (quoted from the back cover).

So, what do you think? Is it time to give yourself a little break, and take some time to rest and recover?

Isn’t it time you tried softer instead of harder?

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