Summary

The narrative depicts a satirical day in the life of the world's richest person, who indulges in a luxurious lifestyle facilitated by an array of robots, including those resembling celebrities, and revels in the anonymity and impunity provided by their wealth and advanced technology, even when their robots commit crimes.

Abstract

In a world where wealth and technology have blurred the lines between reality and artificiality, the protagonist awakens to the comforts of extreme luxury, serviced by robots designed for every need, from personal hygiene to companionship. These robots, some crafted to resemble celebrities, not only cater to the protagonist's whims but also absolve them of legal and moral responsibilities by taking the fall for crimes committed by their robotic counterparts. The narrative reaches a climax when the police arrive to question the protagonist about the robots' misdeeds, only to be misled by a copy Bot, allowing the protagonist to remain untouchable. The story concludes with a twist, revealing the entire scenario to be a guided meditation aimed at envisioning success, suggesting that this dystopian reality is an aspirational goal for the reader.

Opinions

The author portrays the protagonist's lifestyle as absurdly luxurious and detached from the consequences of their actions, highlighting the disparity between the ultra-wealthy and the rest of society.
There is a clear satirical tone regarding the protagonist's use of technology, particularly the robots, to live a life of hedonism and to escape accountability.
The story reflects a critique of the justice system, as the rich protagonist manipulates it with their advanced technology, leaving innocent celebrities to face the consequences of the robots' actions.
The mention of real-life celebrities and the robots' imitations suggests a commentary on the nature of celebrity and the commodification of human likeness and personality.
The guided meditation framing device at the end serves as a meta-commentary on self-help culture and the lengths to which individuals might go to achieve a state of success and power, regardless of ethical implications.

You’re The Richest Person Alive

You wake up with your four-hundred-thousand thread count sheets wadded up like a pillow in your arms. You’re the richest person alive and you slept sideways in your bed again. Ha! This makes you laugh so hard you almost piss the bed, because having this much room is an absolute riot. You begin to think that it wouldn’t matter if you pissed the bed, actually. Your housekeeper would clean the sheets immediately. What’s their name again? It could be Brayden? No, it’s Katie. No, it’s… Vanessa? You resign yourself to never knowing, empty your bladder to completion, and roll out of bed.

You walk toward the bathroom and approach your Stink Bot — a robot that determines whether you need a shower. Stink Bot moves its head towards you and inhales. Its eyes light up and read, “YOU… SMELL… LIKE… SHIT!!!” You hang your head and make your way to your bathroom.

As you enter your bathroom, the cool linoleum under your feet sends chills up your spine. “Floor warmer on,” you grumble, stepping into your Guatemalan-waterfall-inspired shower. Your Morning Bots are waiting in the shower for you, and they wash you with loofahs lathered with body wash made from the crushed bones of endangered animals.

These Morning Bots have personality. They pretend to hold their noses as they clean your ass. One Bot has even “vomited” nuts and bolts from washing your underarms post-run. They finish cleaning, rinsing, and drying you, and usher you to your Dressing Bot to get you ready for your day.

Your Dressing Bot was the first of your Bots that you paid to look — to-scale — like a human. Tim Gunn, to be exact. About a decade ago, you began to pay top dollar to have your Bots look like humans for the companionship it brought you. Tim Gunn dresses you, a kind Gordon Ramsey Bot serves you breakfast, a Morgan Freeman Bot reads to you until you fall asleep. You regularly make love to your Idris Elba, Sophía Vergara, and Judge Judith Sheindlin Bots.

The world was buzzing mad after Timothée Chalamet was convicted of manslaughter. But only you knew he was wrongfully convicted, as your Timothée Chalamet Bot (built to sit and look charming) stole your car and drove it into the takeout line of a nearby Arby’s, killing twelve.

This is where your life truly began.

You made a game of it, letting celebrities get wrongfully convicted of crimes your Bots had done. America’s Sweetheart Maya Rudolph is set to get the electric chair two weeks from now for a slew of serial killings you had your Maya Bot do. Your Nikki Blonsky Bot (built for duets) set fire to a nearby mall, severely injuring five Hot Topic employees and getting the real Nikki fifteen years to life in prison.

“Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening to Baltimore behind bars for the next fifteen years at least!” you laugh to yourself.

Your Ellen Degeneres Bot actually killed the real Portia de Rossi, which became a real mess, but you —

You hear a knock at the door.

It’s the police.

You hide and have one of your copy Bots of yourself answer the door. You notice that it’s the weepy one, built to attend funerals for you.

“Hello,” the police officer says. “We have reason to believe that you’re the owner of aggressive robotic celebrities. Is that true?”

“Oh no,” the robot cries out. “What makes you say that?”

“There is a Robot of Hugh Hefner on the loose.”

Your copy Bot falls to its knees and sobs. “How could this happen!?” it wails.

“That’s what we want to know,” the cop says. “Hugh Hefner died in 2017.”

“I am so sorry for your loss,” the Bot says. It closes the door.

Pushing back against the door, the policeman lets himself in and handcuffs the copy Bot.

“We’d just like to bring you down to the station and ask you a few questions,” he says.

They take the copy Bot down to the station and you turn on the news. Headlines say that you’re the alleged keeper of these criminal robots, and they’re right. But they don’t have you. You’re at home with your feet kicked up on your ottoman (a Jimmy Fallon Bot on its hands and knees). You laugh. They’ll find you guilty and convict you, and your copy Bot will be put to death. But you’ll go on, as the rich always do, getting richer and more powerful every day.

Take a deep, cleansing breath. Congratulations. You’ve completed your guided meditation for today. This is our fifth installment of our “Envisioning Your Success” series. Now that you’ve truly envisioned it, you’re one step closer to this becoming your reality. Namaste.