You’re Not as Crazy As You Think: Lessons Learned in Mental Health Recovery

I remember sitting in my first psychiatrist’s office, patiently waiting to leave, even though I had just arrived. I didn’t want to be there — frankly, who really does? My teenage self sat with an attitude rooted in fear. I didn’t want to be labeled for what I really was: crazy.

After a few visits, loads of medication, and hours in therapy, I figured out that I was, in fact, crazy. I sat in therapy with nothing to say, and I didn’t speak to my psychiatrist unless she asked me a question. I was a non-active participant within my own recovery.

I kept my inner thoughts, feelings, and hate for myself a secret. If they already thought I was crazy, I didn’t want to seem like a lunatic. This meant I hid all of my obsessions, compulsions, self-harm, and disastrous coping mechanisms. I hid everything that would have helped me get the proper treatment I needed.

Of course, looking back, I see this secrecy as an extension of my mental illness. I was so obsessed with being perfect that I went to extreme lengths to protect my self-image. In my teen years, I had experienced abuse at the hands of a narcissist. The abuse I endured has caused me to have a warped sense of who I was since childhood.

I needed to seem perfect to everyone. I wanted to look perfect so no one would suspect I was a complete nut case. My fear of perfectionism was rooted in the core of my mental health struggles: I needed to control my surroundings and how I was viewed by others. As a teenager, I truly thought I had recovery and treatment figured out. I believed that I could reach recovery without having to share an ounce of my reality.

As you can guess, it failed — miserably at that.

After 10 years in treatment, and finally making substantial progress, I can simply look back and say, “What the hell was I thinking!?”

Last year I made a promise to myself, and my now-husband, that I was going to get real help. If my version of treatment was hiding and belittling my issues, then something was flawed in my logic.

I was so focused on maintaining this perfect image that I was terrified to fail. I did not want anyone to think less of me, even for a second. I was so absorbed in what everyone else thought, and how they felt or thought of me that I couldn’t see what I really needed. I used this as a way to become the person that I thought everyone wanted me to be.

After being diagnosed with anxiety, PTSD, depression, and OCD last year, I figured it was time to reassess my own beliefs and feelings. I was so clouded by my obsessions and anxiety, I had no idea who I actually was as a person.

The changes I needed to make had to be drastic and scary; that was the only way that true, authentic growth could occur. Nothing can change, if changes aren’t made.

Throughout my journey in recovery, I have learned three valuable lessons that have really set me up for success. Without these lessons, I am not sure I would be where I am today.

Being vulnerable is a must

Vulnerability is terrifying, I get it. I never wanted to be vulnerable because that meant showing my true self. My lack of vulnerability led me to a stagnant, unhappy place with no new opportunities and the same toxic relationships.

Showing vulnerability to someone is like taking a special piece of yourself and putting it on display. When we show a glimmer of our true self, we are open to embarrassment, rejection, criticism, and many more anxiety-provoking replies.

What I failed to account for though, was all of the good that can come out of being vulnerable. You can make new friends, find like-minded people, and be authentically, and unapologetically you.

I finally got to be me and only me, when I began to show more vulnerability with my doctors, friends, and family. When I began showing more of who I was, and what my inner world was like, I began to see a change in how I was feeling mentally.

We’re totally strong

Anyone who struggles with mental illness understands the burden they feel of carrying their symptoms every day. Some in recovery may even feel weak or lazy when it comes to making progress towards recovery. Even people who have not experienced mental illness can understand that sometimes we feel like we can’t do something or be who we want because we don’t think we could make it.

Whether it’s going for a walk when you have agoraphobia or removing toxic people from your life— you are strong enough to make it through.

I’ve been through hell and back. From sleepless nights filled with worry to finally being an active participant in my own treatment. I made it through every day when I thought the pain would never end.

I’ve weathered every storm that’s come my way. As feelings pass, and seasons end, I see that I have become stronger than I will ever know.

Everyone has their own shit — Don’t be ashamed

This is true, time and time again. Throughout my recovery journey, I always felt that everyone had their life together except me. Everyone else’s story seemed far more glamorous than my own. And other people were recovering, but not me.

When in reality everybody has their own unique struggles. Every single person that you meet is going through something they might never share.

When we fall into a cycle of comparison, we lose who we truly are. Remember that you are the most important person in your inner world. Keep your eyes focused on your recovery, happiness, and wellbeing.

Throughout my recovery, I have discovered vulnerability, knowing my own strength, and focusing on myself to be the most healing factors. I am in fact not crazy, and neither are you! We are all unique beings who want to find true happiness, we just have different ways of getting there.

We all have our own shit happening, some are just worse than others — and that’s okay. What is a lesson you’ve learned from recovery? What do you hope to personally learn in your own journey?