Your Triggered Responses Are the Ultimate Kindness Test
Remembering the lessons I learned from failing that test
My sister asked for the link to a mildly controversial story I wrote recently. “People better be nice in the comments,” she added, “or I’ll be in there mixing it up!”
We laughed because we knew it wasn’t true. She’s one of my biggest supporters, and she’s protective of me. But when the rubber meets the road, she knows I can take care of myself.
After reading the story, she texted me salty comebacks to any less-than-pleasant responses. I laughed and reassured her it was fine. Hey, if you’re going to get upset over every little slight, don’t put your opinions on the Internet.
She was more upset than I was because it hurts more when someone takes aim at a person you love than at yourself. But she satisfied herself with venting to me versus replying to them, which is exactly how it should be.
More and more it strikes me that kindness is as much in what you don’t say as in what you do. My sister’s restraint reminds me of the time I could’ve used her as an example.
Several years ago, a Facebook friend posted a meme comparing Kanye West missing performances because of mental health issues with Gord Downie. If you’re unfamiliar with Downie, he was the lead singer of the Canadian rock band The Tragically Hip. Downie was diagnosed with inoperable cancer in 2016, but still, he and his band played a farewell tour that summer. Downie died in 2017.
The meme mocked Kanye by suggesting he was “weak” for not performing while Downie toured in his last months. Here’s the thing — not long before this, West was in an involuntary psychiatric hold — something that doesn’t happen unless there’s a very significant issue.
I couldn’t keep silent. I know I should have. Brawling on the Internet is a fool’s game. I commented anyway:
“I’m surprised you’d post this since you’re an advocate for acknowledging invisible illnesses. Kanye West was literally just in a psychiatric hold.”
As clap backs go, it was mild and somewhat constructive. But still, I can hear your head shaking. You’re right. I should’ve kept my trap shut.
Mental health is an important issue. However, there’s a time and place for advocacy, and it’s generally not fact-checking memes.
To her credit, my friend said nothing. Her husband was another story. His response was the longest comment I’ve ever seen on Facebook. I only read the first few words: “First of all, she didn’t create the meme…”
When you post a meme, you’re taking ownership of its message. But I didn’t respond. I did what I should’ve done in the first place. Ignored, then turned the other cheek.
When we’re triggered, keeping silent is the most difficult thing to do. It’s also the best thing to do. Responses are often not necessary. When they are, they’re more constructive and powerful coming from a cooler head.
Kindness isn’t an innate trait, it’s a choice you make with every interaction. Consciously thinking of others. Rising above. Reciprocating. Acknowledging. Choosing the right time to use your voice and when to stay silent. They’re all choices we make or don’t make multiple times a day.
My sister made the right one. Arguably, I didn’t. My friend’s husband definitely didn’t. But that’s the thing with kindness. You always have another chance to get it right.
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