Sex/Self
Your Sexual Hang-Ups Are A Big Deal
And they’re sabotaging your relationships.
Why are so many of us afraid of our sexuality?
I don’t necessarily mean just the physical act of sex here. I’m also talking about the many varying degrees of emotional and mental intimacy required in our sexual relationships.
Whether it’s anxiety about the way our bodies look, trepidation over a traumatic sexual event, or sincere fear of intimacy, so many of us interfere with our potential as healthier sexual partners. And by healthier, I mean more comfortable, more open, and free.
Obtaining an attitude of total inhibition may seem far out of reach for those of us who still battle with sexual hang-ups of all kinds.
I understand.
It took me about 20 years to finally allow a man to gaze upon or even touch the scars on my breasts without cringing or hiding. I carried that body-image issue with me for an exceptional and unnecessary amount of time — but it took me that long to get it through my head that when a partner truly loves your mind, body, and soul, they genuinely don’t care about the physical flaws on your body.
A romantic partner cannot be solely responsible for magically making you feel good about yourself sexually. It’s not fair to put that burden upon them and it’s certainly not fair to you.
Granted, a compatible and compassionate sexual partner makes ALL the difference as far as self-esteem in the bedroom but most of that confidence needs to come from you. Otherwise, you’re only fooling yourself as well as placing all of your sexual self-esteem eggs in one lonely basket — belonging to only one particular lover.
Being afraid of sex hurts. It hurts our relationships and it hurts our ability to experience physical pleasure.
When we are insecure about trusting others or about losing our inhibitions we lose what could be a beautiful experience between two people.
So how do we stop being so afraid?
No one formula works for everyone. Standing in from of a mirror naked and telling yourself you’re beautiful is great but may not ultimately help you enjoy sex more. Trying to convince yourself not to be afraid of getting your heart broken when you’re intimate with someone may do nothing to reduce your fears, unfortunately.
Sex and intimacy go hand in hand. No matter how many people say sex is just sex — there will always be some level of intimacy in sex even if it’s just experienced by only one partner. Intimacy can be terrifying.
Embracing trust can be terrifying. This is why sex can be terrifying. You’re releasing yourself physically to someone else. You may also be releasing yourself emotionally and mentally, depending on how much you’re investing in a particular sexual encounter.
No one can ever know for sure if a lover will betray them — even in the seemingly best relationships. But you can practice being in the moment.
Being with a person you both love and desire can be a wonderful human experience and learning how to let go just a little bit more during sex without fretting about the future, flashing back to past sexual trauma, or even worrying that a lover is going to break your heart can help alleviate the anxiety associated with sex.
Fear of not being a good enough sexual partner, not being physically attractive enough, or still feeling trapped in the memories of past sexual abuse are all very real and valid reasons to be afraid of sex. Many of us have been and are still going through it.
However, there is hope. You can reclaim yourself. You can create a sexual identity that breeds confidence and passion on a healthier level.
Fear is a constant human companion. We can either allow it to run our lives or we can slowly and methodically learn how to run that fear into the ground.
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