Your Relationship Will Not Progress Until You Progress
What it takes to make a relationship work.
Romantic relationships are more complicated than ever before.
Decades ago, relationships and marriage were also financial decisions.
Now, things are a bit different. Women no longer depend on men for their basic human needs.
This is a beautiful thing because women do not have to tolerate abusive treatment to keep a roof over their heads.
On the flip side, this has completely changed the dynamics of dating, relationships, and marriage.
This new order challenges men and women to be better versions of themselves if they want long-lasting, healthy relationships.
If we do not work to progress individually and relationally, any relationship will fall apart.
Personal development has also become a hot topic.
And I’m very happy about this because it’s opened up the can of worms we’ve needed to deal with for a long time.
Generational traumas, abusive relationships, traumatic childhoods, unaccountable family members and friends, toxic dynamics, etc.
Negative traits that we develop or learn throughout our lives need to be addressed and dealt with if we want to become proud of ourselves and happy with our lives.
This applies to relationships — These habits we've developed no longer serve us.
Defensiveness, lack of understanding, unaccountability, and avoidance, among others, get in the way of creating vulnerability and bringing us closer to our partner.
To create a safe environment where you feel comfortable sharing your emotions and dare to do so regardless of the outcome, you need to work on your emotional intelligence intentionally.
Becoming an emotionally intelligent person does not happen at random.
It takes daily work, counseling, journaling, having vulnerable conversations, learning to work through conflict, and healing from past traumas and hurt. As you can see, the list is hefty.
Working through all these mental hurdles allows us to become more emotionally stable. We can learn to stop making decisions based on emotional impulses.
This is what I’m working towards myself.
Now that I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year, I have started to see the progress I’ve made and the changes occurring within me that are helping create more connections in my relationship.
As you might guess from the previous list, the road is not easy or fast.
It has taken almost a full year of being in a relationship to begin changing my default reactions and behaviors.
And it’s still not perfect.
There’s plenty of work to be done. But it’s well worth it when you sit in front of your counselor, and she tells you you’re going in the right direction.
It’s also very gratifying to observe how I can control my reactions and responses better in an argument with my partner, have a respectful conversation, and come to a resolution.
But again, none of this could have happened, or it could but at a much slower pace if my partner and I were not working intentionally towards becoming emotionally intelligent and mature.
Having a third, unbiased party tell you and your partner what you honestly need to hear is one of the accountability methods I like the most.
We’ve created a safe space where we can have vulnerable conversations about what is bothering us, what doubts or concerns we have, and simply an opportunity to show our emotions without holding back.
Then we take what we’ve done in this safe space and practice it daily to create better systems and habits to resolve conflict.
Of course, this road is also not perfect. Like anything in life, it’s a rollercoaster.
Some days, we have great conversations and are patient, understanding, and loving.
On other days, we’re short-tempered, passive-aggressive, and mean.
It’s not our intention to treat each other poorly. We fall back into our old habits and don’t catch ourselves from time to time.
This is when forgiveness and patience come in.
Part of the emotional maturing process is learning to forgive and have patience for the other person.
You are not perfect, and they aren’t, either.
As long as the other person’s intentions are good and they are willing to talk things out and come to a resolution, there’s an opportunity to connect on a deeper level and bring the relationship closer.
This requires self-awareness, which is easier said to have than do.
Self-awareness is truly half the battle.
There’s a saying — admitting a problem is the first step to resolving it.
When you’re having a tough time connecting to your partner, it’s essential to take the time to look within and see if there’s anything you’re doing that’s sabotaging it.
I know I’ve done this with my avoidant tendencies.
Sometimes, when I argue with my boyfriend, and he’s trying to repair the hurt we’ve felt, I distance myself.
I try to avoid the connection and work through my emotions alone.
This tactic helped me when I was single. But since that’s no longer the case, it doesn’t work that well anymore.
Distancing myself when my partner wants to create a connection is hurtful to him. Not only that, I’ve learned that I distance myself to protect my inner child.
When I was a kid, there was never an attempt at connecting after an argument. I was left to deal with all the emotions I was feeling. This reaction became my default because I didn’t know better.
With my partner, I’ve learned that I can be vulnerable and connect even after an argument.
This effort results in a much deeper emotional connection and a feeling of joy and vulnerability. I feel safe, something I felt very little of growing up.
This is one example of the many experiences, traumas, generational curses, and overall bad habits that must be addressed if we want our romantic relationships to flourish.
Relying on chemistry or attraction will not get you very far down the road.
We must be willing to look honestly at ourselves and learn where we fall short.
We must take the time to intentionally improve these areas if we want a safe, joyous, healthy relationship.
Tell me, what habits did you find that did not help improve your relationship, and how did you overcome them?