Your Partner’s Fragile Ego Is Not Your Responsibility

Are you the Official Appeaser in Charge?

Each one hopes that if he feeds the crocodile enough, the crocodile will eat him last. -Attributed to Winston Churchill

First, he tried to buy our son’s favorite kind of sweet rolls. Unexpectedly, the bakery was closed, so he had to come back empty-handed. I told him I would make pancakes instead. No biggie; stuff happens.

However, I could see the expression in his eyes. He felt like he had left us down. He had failed to provide.

Later, the showerhead he had tried to fix refused to cooperate. There it was, another thing that went wrong. He was now throwing stuff around and cursing, yelling at the showerhead, the walls, the ceiling…at me.

I had told him before how much it hurts when he yells at me.

But he was angry. Disappointed. “I just want to give you everything you need,” he said.

Make him happy

I reassured him everything was okay. Really. I got my voice to a chipper tone and made jokes here and there.

I had to cheer him up. Even though I did not make a single comment, he was certain I saw him as a failure. As less of a man. And I knew that, unless I managed to make him feel happy, things would escalate.

This was not my first rodeo.

So, I spent the rest of my day making sure he felt mighty. Strong. He seemed to be in a better mood. His voice got back to normal, and he stopped “accidentally” dropping stuff. He was very relaxed now.

I was exhausted.

Small concessions, big losses

How did we end up here? How did I become the Official Appeaser in Charge (OAC)? Why was it my responsibility to make sure he knew he was “man enough”?

As with all unhealthy relationship dynamics, it started slow.

Whenever things didn’t go his way, I tried to be a supportive partner. To tell him kind words. To rub his shoulders while he rested. To be understanding.

But his ego was too fragile.

The knowledge that he wasn’t the best, the wealthiest, the strongest…ate him up. He could not stand it — his emotions a whirlwind he didn’t know how to control. So he reacted the way many men are taught is The Only Way.

He got angry. He was furious at everything and everybody. Above all, he was mad at me.

That’s when the bursts of verbal violence started. He would say the most horrible things; it was important I knew what a mediocre, disgustingly ugly woman I was. No wonder he was not motivated to do better.

Then I did what many women are taught to do: My solution was to try to show him I deserve him. That I could be worthy of being in his life. I would go out of my way to satisfy him, making concessions even in the smallest of details and allowing his hurtful words to become part of our normal life. I lost so much in the process.

I had to appease him. If I’m good, if I never push back, he’ll stop being angry.

Silly me, I really thought the crocodile would eat me last.

It won’t go away

When you make the first concession, the second one won’t take too long to show up, followed closely by the third and fourth.

Soon you’ll lose count. Soon you won’t recognize yourself.

Your days will be consumed by the little show you have to put on every day to prove to him how powerful he is. But it will never be enough. Rather, the demands will increase.

Here’s the thing: your partner’s ego is a huge black hole that will devour everything and everyone in its path. Yes, that includes you. Heck, especially you.

Are you the OAC?

Try to make a list. How many things do you do every day to keep your loved one content? To make sure they won’t feel like a failure?

No, this is not about the kindness partners show to each other. It doesn’t mean either that you shouldn't support them when the going gets rough. And yes, sometimes our partners will lose their cool — they are, after all, human. But when that happens, they should apologize and do better next time, no excuses.

Here's the difference. In a healthy relationship, when your partner is down, you feel it too; you empathize and ache to shower them in your support and kindness, even if there’s nothing you can do to “fix” things. I’m here and I love you. And, although sad, your partner appreciates that.

In a toxic relationship, you are afraid.

You know that your partner’s anger will reach a dangerous point unless you do something fast. You will do anything you can to keep that from happening. Protecting their ego has, somehow, become your responsibility.

It isn’t.

Time to quit

If your relationship has already reached dangerous toxicity levels, it is probably time to make a plan to leave in a safe manner. However, if you are still in the early stages, maybe you can still recover.

You have to call your partner up. You have to tell them how hurtful this behavior is. You will need to have serious discussions on each other’s boundaries. And you will have to follow through.

You both need to grow up to recognize the difference between being a supportive partner vs. being a doormat. You both need to learn that holding your partner responsible for your own ego is an unhealthy way to build a relationship.

So, are you the OAC? Well, you have to quit. The sooner, the better.