Your need for perfection is ruining your life

Think your perfectionism makes you skillful or more successful? Think again. It could be ruining your life.

by: E.B. Johnson

A need for perfection isn’t a hard thing to understand. In our own way, we all want things to be “perfect” — but a perfectionist takes that idea much further. To the perfectionist, they are responsible for giving 100% of themselves 100% of the time. They have a driving need for order and achievement, but this drive can burn them out and push them into some dark places (as well as warped relationships and idea on self-image).

Being a perfectionist is not necessarily an enjoyable state of being. It comes with a lot of personal expectations and a compulsive need to take charge or exert power. While the perfectionist may be equipped to perform well in the corporate world, they can also struggle to form close interpersonal relationships, or maintain a steady sense of emotional and mental wellbeing. Is your need for perfection ruining your life? Only understanding and compassion can help you reveal the truth.

Perfectionism is a double-edged sword.

Perfectionism — often hailed as the trait of billion-dollar CEO’s and high-achieving soccer moms — is a double-edged sword that can inflict as much damage on the wielder as it can any subsequent victims. While it pushes us to succeed or “get things right”, it also never stops pushing. It’s a relentless part of our conscious that eats away at our self-esteem, while normally arising as a result of low self-esteem or unaddressed past issues.

The idea of perfectionism is wide ranging and compasses many states of perspective or approach to life. The perfectionist is not only someone who believes perfection is possible (hint: it’s not) — they are also someone who thinks they have to achieve that standard every single time they set out to do anything. The need to be perfect is to compulsively need to prove yourself, time-and-time again.

There are several types of perfectionism: self-oriented, socially prescribed, other-oriented. When you are self-oriented, you have an intrinsic need to be the best. When it’s socially prescribed, you only feel the crushing need to be perfect because of those around you. Other-oriented perfection, though, happens when you place unrealistic expectations on to others. Wherever your perfectionism lies, you must spot the signs of its toxic effects before they destroy your happiness.

How perfectionism can ruin your happiness.

Do you struggle with a need to appear perfect? Or, do you have a compulsive need to perform perfectly — no matter what you’re doing? These extreme feelings can take a toll on our quality of life, and our relationships too. If we want to overcome our need for perfection, we have to first understand how it harms us.

Burnout and ideations

Look for a perfectionist and you will often find someone who is burnt out or ready to give up. According to some studies, a driving need for perfectionism was also associated with an increase in suicidal ideations or feelings of hopelessness. Why does this happen? Because we put far too much pressure on ourselves and fail to look after our mental and emotional needs because we’re too busy chasing an unrealistic ideal.

Eroding self-esteem

Because “perfect” is an impossible standard to achieve, the constant chase for perfectionism affects our self-esteem in a major way. No matter what goal you set for yourself, seeking to achieve it in a perfect way will land you in a world of disappointment. As these “failures” rack up, you start to see yourself as the problem and your self-worth plummets. This impacts everything from your career choices, to the relationships and friendships you keep.

Increased procrastination

Do you imagine the perfectionist to be a constantly moving bundle of energy? While this can certainly be the case, it’s not always the truth. Frequently, the biggest procrastinators in our lives are actually the biggest perfectionists too. They’re such big perfectionists, that their fear of failing completely locks them up. “If I can’t do it right, I don’t want to do it at all,” they tell themselves. It results in total an avoidance and lack of fulfillment.

Crumbling emotional equilibrium

While it may come as little surprise, our emotions can’t long withstand the barrage of an obsessive need for perfection. Perfectionism compounds the stress and pressure that we’re already filling, as the pressure rises — so do our emotions. Over time, it becomes harder and harder to address situations and experiences with objectivity. This in turn can lead to increased blow ups and emotional over-spills.

Addictive or risky behaviors

Being a perfectionist isn’t something you can easily turn on and off. When you suffer with any kind of perfectionism, it can leave you stressed and burned out. It’s an urge that never quiets and never leaves you alone. Pushed to your breaking point and unable to deal with the pressure, you might find yourself falling into addictive or risky behaviors; which are meant to dull the pain or help you get to whatever fanatical result you’re hunting?

Control and manipulation

While it’s not often our first thought, perfectionists can often find themselves falling into manipulative and controlling patterns. This usually happens because they’re desperate to come out on top — no matter the cost. They want to win and they want to prove to themselves (and everyone around them) that they are just as worthy, skilled, and valuable as anyone else. Needless to say, this takes a serious toll on interpersonal relationships.

Endless unhappiness

Many people out there believe that if they just work hard enough, things will go perfectly or make them happy. The problem here, though, is that there’s no such thing as “perfect” so you’re setting yourself up for failure. When you inevitably end up disappointing yourself, you become unhappy and this unhappiness compounds over and over again. After weeks and years of perceived “failure” you find yourself in an air of negativity and hopelessness that’s hard to overcome.

Inability to let go

Perfectionists are those who hyper-fixate on the things they want or need in life. Though this hyper-fixation can lead to a lot of individual successes in their life, this level of focus can also lead to a total inflexibility as well as an unwillingness to let things go. This rigidness makes them hard to connect with, hard to communicate with, and even harder to work with if you happen to be their co-worker.

Ignoring your own needs

The perfectionist is often a person who is ceaseless in their pursuit of goals and objectives. Much like a hound with the scent, they will run themselves into oblivion and completely lose sight of any red flags or warning signs that might be presenting themselves. They often get so caught up in the chase that they completely stop seeing to their own needs. Self-care goes on the back-burner and they descend toward burnout and exhaustion.

The best ways to manage perfectionism before it destroys your life.

You don’t need to cling to this need for perfection forever. No one in this world is perfect — it’s impossible, and there’s no one standard to measure perfection by. You need to learn how to let this compulsion go, and embrace the fact that you are good enough, precisely as you are right here and now.

1. Kick your inner critic to the curb

The biggest fueling source behind our drive for perfection is our inner critic. An inner critic unchecked will have you believing the worst of yourself for the whole of your life. It will tell you that you aren’t good enough, and it will completely deny all the good work and effort you put into this world. We have to let our inner critics go if we want to let go of our need to prove ourselves through endless perfection.

Kick your inner critic to the curb and let them know that they no longer hold power over you and the decisions you make in your life. When you hear the negative thoughts rising to the surface, stifle them. When you hear the whispers of “that’s not good enough,” immediately allow yourself to focus on the good things you can find.

Allowing your inner critic to take control of your consciousness will totally undermine any attempts you make at improving your life (or happiness). It will keep you small and do everything in its power to ensure that you don’t stick your neck above the crowd. The problem here, though, is that it will also keep you from figuring out your true destination.

2. Find your way back to reality

To dwell in the land of perfection and imperfection is not to dwell in the land of reality. Out here, in the real world, there’s no such thing as perfect or imperfect; good or bad. Things just are. Some experiences are preferable and others aren’t. All of them are learning experiences, though, and a chance to become a better version of the person we were before.

Let go of this idea that you can work hard enough to create a “perfect” life o a “perfect” relationship. No matter how much energy and effort you manifest, things will still go wrong or come about differently than you expected them to. Create realistic personal goals and expectations for yourself, and always, always, always, have a Plan B.

Slowly allow yourself to work back into reality. Allow yourself to get a couple of things wrong each day and then walk away from them. Don’t fix it (if they’re inconsequential; think putting the wrong date on memo). Instead, practicing saying, “Oops. My mistake.” Come back to the land of the lesser mortals by learning how to embrace your accidents.

3. Say “no” and do it often

Often the perfectionist is someone who takes on the weight of the world without any real consideration for their physical or mental wellbeing. They push themselves and push themselves; driving until they’re burnt out and almost in a state of emotional collapse. In order to break out of this pattern of “do-and-do-more” we have to say “No!” and we have to do it more often.

Stop biting off more than you can chew, or picking up the slack of everyone around you. When you carry other people’s burdens, you deny them the ability to cultivate their own strength and skill. Focus on your own (imperfect) journey and allow them to focus on theirs.

Take care of your priorities and responsibilities, but put yourself on that list. Stop allowing your life to be cluttered by all the performance-duties you’ve stacked up for yourself. You don’t have to be everything to everyone all the time…and they don’t have to be that for you either. Find the peace in simply unplugging and walking away from all the excess labor that’s bringing you no closer to your goals.

4. Build a self-care routine

Self-care is a term we hear bandied around a lot today, but we most often encounter it when it’s being used to sell us a spa package or some new hair product. That’s not really what self-care is all about, though. True self-care (while it certainly involves nourishing the body) also requires that we nourish our inner environments as well. It means cooling the mind and the emotions; learning how to find the peace and let go of our need to be perfect.

Rather than hyper-focusing on all your to-do lists, get focused on building a regular self-care routine that allows you to stay grounded and present in life and the way you approach it. Find activities and pastimes that allow you to reconnect with that authentic sense of self, while finding the comfort in being still in the moment.

Don’t chase only outward trappings of success. Chase a healthier body and a healthier mind. Discover how nice it is to spend time with yourself, and how nice it is to express yourself through journalling, meditation, or any other form of self-expression you can tap into. Take all the pent up pressure and funnel it into regular breaks that allow you to clear your mind and your heart. Separate from your need to be perfect by tapping into your need to be personally fulfilled.

5. Dismiss your Atlas complex

In Ancient Greek mythology, there is a Titan (or an ancient sort of god) known as Atlas, who became famous for carrying the world on his back. It was a punishment from the gods, who had defeated him in a great battle. Like Atlas, many of us also punish ourselves for perceived wrongs by taking on the mental and emotional burdens of those around us. This is especially true for the perfectionist who often think to themselves, “I’m the only one who can do this.”

Stop allowing yourself to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Stop thinking that you have to compete with everyone around them, put them in their place, or somehow prove yourself to an audience who is neither watch nor listening. You are responsible only for meeting your responsibilities and living a harm-free life.

Dig deep into your past and confront the root causes of your need to be everything to everyone. Address the sources and where these compulsive overreactions come from. Were you denied approval in your childhood? Were you forced to compete for love, acceptance, or just a fair deal? Those days are gone. You can build a world you want to live in now, and you no longer need to be perfect or “better” than anyone else.

Putting it all together…

Our society likes to celebrate a compulsive need for perfection, but perfectionism is a double-edged sword that can seriously undermine our happiness and our relationships. If you want to live a life that is both fulfilling and authentically aligned, you need to find a better way to disconnect from your need for perfection everywhere you turn.

Kick your inner critic to the curb and stop giving them power over your psyche and your emotions. Let go of the idea that perfection exists (in any form) and take a big leap back into reality. No one is perfect, and no single person has the same definition of perfection. Rather than seeking to be the best, seek to become better. Start saying no and setting some boundaries and realistic expectations for yourself. No one has all the answers, nor should they. Take care of yourself and know there is no need to prove yourself to others. Build up a regular self-care routine and let go of any Atlas complexes you might be harboring. You don’t have to hold on to your need for perfection forever. You can let it go and find a better way to live in peace and harmony with yourself.