To Change Your Life You Need to Change Your Thinking
Buy whatever you want. Date whoever you want. It won’t make a difference until you learn to change the way you think.
by: E.B. Johnson
So many people out there are looking for quick fixes when it comes to changing their lives. They want to snap their fingers and see transformation, but that’s not how true change works. It’s really an inside out job. If you want to create dramatic shifts in your relationships, your careers, and the world at large — then it has to start by changing the way you think about yourself and everyone else too. By changing the way we view the world, we change the way we interact with it. And that brings authenticity that’s priceless.
Life can’t change until your thinking changes.
We can’t just go through the emotions and expect our lives to change. Genuine change happens by targeting our core beliefs, and shifting them so that they align authentically. That means changing the way we see and react to everything from relationships to politics. Your life can’t change until your thinking does, and this is why.
Enhanced relationships
How do you think of relationships? Odds are pretty high that you were taught to see intimate partnerships in a specific life, and you’ve modeled that standard throughout your adulthood. Unfortunately, when we just blindly follow what we’re told to hold dear in terms of relationships, we end up in a mess. We have to change the way we think about relationships. Instead of seeing them as the pinnacle of happiness, we have to see them as a piece of the happiness puzzle.
More authentic futures
How do you view your future? Do you feel pressured to fall in line and do what your parents did? Have you resigned yourself to a future just like everyone else around you? Listen, the 2.5 kids in the suburbs doesn’t work for everyone (just some people). You may not be one of them. There’s no avoiding this change if you want to go places. You have to change the way you see your future. Now is the moment for breaking out of the mold to pursue authentic joys in your life.
Political games
There’s no denying the power and importance of politics. They touch every corner of our lives and can make-or-break the future for our children. Our world is on fire, and we need to be engaged with the political system now more than ever. We cannot allow the political discord to change the course of our lives and relationships, however. Instead of getting embroiled in the mudslinging the and sound-bytes, we have to hold our politics at arm’s length, lose the cult of celebrity politicians, and arm ourselves with every piece of knowledge we can uncover.
Giving up conformity
One of the biggest obstacles in shifting our thinking boils down to our desire to fit in. We can plan all the changes that we want, but when it comes down to cutting out toxic relationships or changing our role in our social groups — we hesitate. Why? Why do you want so badly to be a part of something that is leaving you unhappy and unfulfilled? Change the way you think about “belonging”. Belonging to a random group of people you were “assigned” doesn’t matter. What matters is building a life filled with chosen family who see you and value you for who you are.
Outdated hand-me-downs
As you grow up, your family implants within you certain traditions, patterns, and beliefs that will determine the course of your life. They do this partially with intention and partially by mistake. They do it before they know the biological or environmental aspects of your personality, and you take them on before you ever know who you are. We can’t hold on to these traditions if we want to build happy futures of our own. Part of changing the way we think requires that we shed the beliefs and values that are unhealthy or unsuitable.
Societal cycles
Perhaps the greatest shift in thinking that must occur is that which surrounds societal cycles and traditions. Every couple of generations, our society shifts and adopts its own set of norms and standards. Sometimes, these shifts are for the best — and sometimes they aren’t. There is a big difference between doing what’s “normal” and doing what’s right. At some point, you will have to make a choice between your authenticity and your happiness in the societal body. Are you willing to stifle yourself to be a part of society, or are you willing to standing apart to lift it up?
The best ways to change your thinking.
The great thing about reality is that — to an extent — we can define it according to our own terms. There are steps you can take right now to change the way you think. And when you change the way you think, it will change the way you interact with the world. This has a ripple-down affect which permeates into every corner of our lives and relationships. Change your thinking and the entire world will open up to you.
1. See the commonality
It’s no secret that a lot of us walk around in a complete haze of Main Character Syndrome. Feeling like the most important person in the world is addictive, and it also creates this idea that you’re so incredibly unique that you’re entitled to everything that you want. Unfortunately, no one is that unique. Pop your ego bubble so your brain has a chance to breathe. See the commonality. Your experience is the same experience of millions of others, and that’s both a comforting and a powerful thing.
While you’re unique where in your immediate circle, none of is entirely unique in this world. We all share similar emotions, experiences, and physiological processes. Once you understand that everyone around you is going through their own versions of what you’re going through — the thinking changes.
That mean and nasty person at work? They probably also have a heavy history filled with abuse, heartbreak, and trauma. Maybe their parents didn’t love them. Maybe they go home to a partner who terrorizes them. We’re all suffering in some way, and it all makes us react outwardly to the world in different ways. Reach for your emotional awareness and see the common experience in your existence. Everything you are has been and will be again, whether here or on the other side of the world. Embrace the tapestry of life and yourself as a part of it.
2. Embrace a critical perspective
A skill that so many seem to lack these days, critical thinking will bring you closer to your authenticity than anything else in the world. True critical thinking is questioning. It’s looking at the problem from all angles and considering how they affect both the big picture and the smaller picture. Embrace a more critical perspective. This isn’t to say that you’re critical of others. Instead, get critical about the thoughts that you hold closest.
Treat every thought you have like a private debate. Question yourself. Wage war on your own points-of-view. Are they are really yours? Or have they been implanted in you? Question everything that is told you to you, and always question what benefit it has to the person telling it to you (because it will have a benefit; whether it makes them feel good to tell you gossip, or it allows them to manipulate you through fear.)
You can apply this technique of thinking critically to anything in your life. Before you invest in a political party, question your emotions around that party. Question the angles and question the spin. The same goes for religion, for relationships, for parenthood. Every major decision you take in your life should be considered critically. This is how we come to intimately know ourselves and our true sense of right and wrong. Question everything. Even yourself. Critical thinking is the superpower that will kick-start your thinking shift.
3. Cultivate emotional awareness
Emotional awareness is a gift that could change the world. When you are emotionally aware, you are in touch with your emotions. You understand them. You are comfortable questioning them. And you control the reactions that they inspire in you. Being emotionally aware allows us to see through our own excuses and right into the heart of who we are and who we want to be. More than that, though, it helps us in our relationships with those we love most.
Rather than trying to be the biggest brain in the room (or the biggest wallet) — seek to be the most emotionally aware person you can be. Cultivating emotional intelligence changes our lives. When you are emotionally aware, you are awake. You see, the world for what it really is, and you learn how to see yourself in reality too.
Get tuned into your emotions. Question them. Educate yourself on them. Dig beneath the surface and figure out where they come from. Our emotions always come with a message. They’re a response to our environment and a sign that something is significant and worth paying attention to. When you raise your awareness of your own emotions, you also heighten your awareness of the emotions of others. That’s powerful, and can lead to enhanced relationships and a greater understanding of the world.
4. Decide to control your circumstances
How passionate are you about the terms of your own life? Are you quite happy to let your circumstances call the shots? Or are you fed up with being caught in the endless misery and emotional explosions? Believe it or not, you decide to control your circumstances. Sure, some have it far harder, and some need more support. Reality is what we choose to make it, though. We can decide to control our circumstances and start sticking up for a life we actually want to live.
At the end of the day, you are the one who decides the course of your life. Many of us lose sight of that, though, because we let too much other stuff enter our heads, cause confusion, and muddy the waters. We have to shift those things out of the way and find the courage to take charge of your own lives.
Decide to draw the line in the sand between what you want and what the world tells you to want. You can become whatever you want. It’s okay to step out of line and become that person you’ve been imagining for so long. You control your circumstances. This world could be anything we choose to make it. Why not make those decisions now? Set boundaries. Pursue relationships worth your time and energy. Commit to letting your need to people-please go, and shift the way you think about your autonomy in this world.
5. Re-think the way you see happiness
What would life have been like for you if every single person you ever encountered had everything they ever needed? How different would you feel if every person around you (yourself included) always had the healthcare that they needed? The money? What about housing and food? How different would the people who hurt you be? Our happiness touches on everyone around us. If you really want to live in a happy world, then your view of happiness has to include happiness for others.
Make use of that human tendency for selfishness to shift your thinking. Look at the bigger picture. If you want a truly happy life, then you need to want a truly happy life for everyone else around you. The happier your neighbors, your loved ones, even the stranger on the bus, are — the better your day-to-day will become.
Do what you can to make your environment one that is safe and welcoming for everyone. Pay forward kindness, intending to improve your life through the improvement of others. Lift up those who cannot lift themselves up. When you find freedom for yourself, show others the door to their own freedom. This is the ultimate path to happiness. Make yourself happy, then make the world happy for others. By shifting our views on happiness this way, we create a fulfilling and rewarding world for everyone (especially ourselves).
Putting it all together…
Many people want to change their lives, but they don’t always want to change the way they think. That’s because it requires honesty and questioning who we really are in this world. When you question things, they change. And that’s scary. Instead of running away from this discomfort, though, we have to embrace it. We can truly transform our lives, but not until we look within and transform the way we think.
See your part in the common experience that is the world. Others have gone through what you’re going through right now. Take heart in that and see it as a sign you can and will survive to thrive. Embrace critical thinking and question everything in your life until you get to the heart of your truths. Build on your emotional awareness and all this new intelligence to boost your interpersonal relationships at home and at work. Decide to control your circumstances and fight fearsomely for your boundaries (and your right to be happy). Move then to change the way you see happiness. When others are happy, your happiness is elevated. The sooner we all realize this, the sooner we can change the world.
- Murphy, P. K., & Mason, L. (2006). Changing Knowledge and Beliefs. In P. A. Alexander & P. H. Winne (Eds.), Handbook of educational psychology (p. 305–324). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.
