Your Child Must Embrace Their Own Passion

As a parent, you must give them the space to discover it no matter how old they are

Introduction

I have a young teenage daughter and I am a very experienced educator. Despite all of my positive life experiences related to the development of children and youth, I make a lot of mistakes as a parent. My learning curve is steep.

I have learned some recent powerful lessons through my daughter’s eyes.

My Past Developmental Experiences Must Not Become My Daughter’s Experiences

I remember the day in elementary school very clearly. At the age of nine, I joined a small number of grade level classmates in the school auditorium of my elementary school. We were selected to attend a special music assembly. Invitations were only given to students who were conscientious learners. I remember looking around and noticing that students who always worked very hard were there. At that young age, I concluded that being at that meeting was some type of reward. A man that I had never seen began talking about instruments. It turned out that he was the instrumental teacher. His name was Mr. Howard.

The teacher looked at the mouths of some students and handed them woodwind and brass instruments. For some reason, Mr. Howard handed me an instrument called a violin. All of us were invited to participate in the instrumental program.

I readily accepted the invitation to play the violin. The thought never entered my mind to consider another instrument. I simply complied and took the violin home.

Since I was a self-motivated child, I began practicing the violin at home and participated in music classes at school. This continued through high school. I took private lessons and played in the school and city orchestras. I was very accomplished at that time. My orchestra teacher once asked me to be the first violinist of our very large orchestra. Even though it was a huge honor to have been selected to sit in the coveted first seat in the strings section, I declined because I loved sitting in the first second violinist seat and leading that orchestra section.

Playing the violin through the years helped me improve as a pianist and organist. I played piano for Sunday School and I accompanied my mother on the piano and organ who was a sacred vocalist as she was invited to various religious functions.

While my musical motivation faded, I took private violin lessons my first year of college. I totally lost interest in all of my instruments and simply stopped playing them.

When my daughter was very young, she discovered my dusty violin in a closet. She opened the case and played with it so much that the strings broke and the bridge dislodged. I promised my daughter that I would make sure that she had violin lesson like I did someday.

Her someday came when I urged her to sign up to start violin lessons in elementary school. I rented a violin, purchased a colorful music stand and a tuner, and everything that she needed to practice at home as well as participate at school. I eagerly placed all of these things in my daughter’s hands just like Mr. Howard placed the violin in my hands so many years before. I assumed that she would have been self-driven with her instrument like I was. However, finding practice time was challenging for her because of the demands of school and because she is an athlete. So, she stopped playing the violin after a few years of participation.

My ultimate goal for her was to learn how to play the piano. As a former school administrator, I am aware of the research that promotes music literacy because the wonderful student outcomes that emerge. Despite my daughter’s rigorous school and training schedule, I finally squeezed in piano lessons at an extremely innovative music program at the start of the current school year. While my daughter participated, she recently shared something with me that really opened my eyes. My daughter told me that she was only taking piano lessons because I wanted her to. She also told me that she took the violin lesson because I wanted her to.

At that moment I realized that I was causing my daughter to pattern her life after my life. Doing so was a big mistake. I apologized to her and allowed her to express her feelings about her experiences with the violin and music lessons that she did not enjoy. She emphasized that gymnastics and her desire to become a medical doctor are the things that are most important to her. I promised my daughter that I would exclusively support those things in her life that mean the most. So, I immediately stopped the piano lessons.

I am now wondering if I ever had an authentic passion for music. Perhaps I simply continued playing the violin because it was the only instrument Mr.Howard handed to me and I felt obligated to play it. As I consider all of the research about student musicians, many of the students who were also handed various instruments at the same time I was did not continue playing yet they have become highly successful academically and in life. There is a converse discovery, too. Many students who play instruments throughout their educational experience fail to achieve success in their life.

My conclusion is clear. Being able to play the piano or the violin will not determine my daughter’s overall success in life.

Being A Supportive Parent

I have now personalized what it means to be a supportive mother to my daughter.

1. My daughter has the freedom to discover the things in her life that causes her to seek deeper knowledge encounters. I will not interfere with her quest for greater insight.
2. I will provide as much assistance as I can and as much assistance that my my daughter requests as she works hard to reach the goals that she exclusively establishes for herself. Whether she needs tangible help or simply audible words of encouragement, as her mother, I will be there for her.
3. My daughter will be able to depend on me to celebrate her successes in her life no matter how great or how small.
4. I will share words of wisdom with my daughter based on my life experiences and insight to help her make choices that are the absolute best for her.
5. The unconditional love that I have for my child will remain.
6. I will leave powerful memories filled with goodness, love, encouragement, and motivation to sustain her throughout her life.

My promise to my daughter is to always support her.

Focusing On What Is Important

Being a supportive parent also means that I must willfully accept those things that are important in my daughter’s life.

My daughter values her education. She is a hardworking and goal oriented student. She is typically cyber schooled because she is an athlete. I will ensure that her educational experiences remain rigorous and meaningful. As a family engagement influencer, I will remain committed to working with my child’s educators as a member of her school team for her benefit.

Gymnastics is a big part of my daughter’s life. She has grown to deeply love her sport from the age of two. Because of this, the gym is her home. My daughter also feels comfortable in the dance studio and at athletic club training. I will work hard to continue to provide opportunities for her to develop as an athlete.

My daughter is blessed to have good friends in her life. I will encourage her to pursue and embrace healthy relationships and to recognize and avoid toxic ones.

Family is significant for my daughter. Together, we will honor our family.

Conclusion

As a parent, I realize that I continue to grow and learn how to become a better mother. My recent parenting discoveries reinforce this. I can no longer expect my daughter to follow the shadows of my experiences growing up and to appreciate them as her own. Instead, she must be free to embrace her exclusive experiences and use them as the building blocks for her success. I have released this freedom to her.

No matter how old my daughter is I will endeavor to support her.

If you enjoyed this article about my mother and daughter relationship, I invited you to read the following article.

Here is my golden ticket that helps me accomplish my mission.

Dr. Deborah M. Vereen is a retired Teacher and School Administrator. Her website is www.Drdeborahmvereen.com and her YouTube Channel is https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS1DPhBeA29UlybU9jzDkdQ.