One Parent Being Mom and Dad
Contrary To What Is Believed, It IS Possible For An Only Parent To Assume Both Roles
According to the brief article that I published on my LinkedIn page, “I must be ready, at any moment, to capture inspirational, profound, or simplistic thoughts that are suddenly dropped into my heart and mind. It is not unusual for me to keep a pen or notebook in reach during the early morning hours, at noon, or during the night. I keep my laptop with me most of the time. I will grab anything…the back of a crumpled receipt found in my purse, an offering envelop found on the back of a church pew, a napkin, the top of a cereal box, a bill, literally ANYTHING that I can write on…to capture the thought.” So, it should come as no surprise that my inspiration for this article came to me while attending church service last Sunday morning. The church bulletin was the only item that I could quickly grab to document notes for this writing while I sat in my seat as insight filled my mind.
Once my pastor promoted the upcoming annual “ManUp” event that will be held at our church before his sermon and described how men, husbands, fathers, and members of the community, would be empowered by attending this renowned conference, as a woman, I began to feel slighted. I felt like being there could really benefit me. While I have always enjoyed Mother’s Day, especially the last thirteen years because I am a mother and despite the fact that I continue to appreciate opportunities to frequent conferences and other events specifically for woman, in recent years the observance of Father’s Day has caused me to have the same feelings of being disconnected that I had in church when I heard about ManUp. Let me explain my journey that led me to these feelings.
More than half of my career was devoted to children and young people as I served in extremely impoverished environments as a school administrator. The desire to deeply impact the life on one precious life, a beautiful angel from Lord who needed a mommy, moved me to adopt my daughter when she was an infant. So, after waiting two years and planning for my child’s arrival with great anticipation, as a single woman, I became a mother. My lovely daughter has been my greatest joy in life.
Prior to becoming a mother, I used to believe that a woman who was comfortable with her gender and her identity could only assume the classic role as a mother that was associated with a female. I used to believe the same with fathers and males. In other words, I never believed that it was possible for any parent to really assume any conventional role of the opposite gender. Now that I am my daughter’s only parent, I realize how antiquated, how inaccurate, and how thoughtless my perspective was. The popular quote articulated by an unknown individual that reads “experience is the best teacher” has recreated my reality.
I have always been an independent woman who has loved all things traditionally classified as feminine. I love to cook and bake and having an exquisite home is important to me. Beautiful scents, satiny as well as soft fabrics, and lovely jewelry are just some of those things that I indulge in. However, as a single mom, femininity does not exclusively define me because of the roles that I routinely assume. I climb ladders to maintain our home. As the only parent, I earn all of the finances to enable me to plan meals, shop for groceries, carry all of the heavy bags into our home, put groceries away, prepare meals, and clean up. My daughter is a great help, too. I pay all of the bills and maintain our vehicle. When things need to be repaired, I take care of it. I make sure Santa, the Easter Bunny, and even the Leprechaun arrive each year. I make sure that my daughter receives lovely Valentine’s flowers or a beautiful heart-shaped box filled with chocolate candy, too. Because I am the only parent, I wipe away all of my daughter’s tears away and encourage her when she is a victim in our sometimes cruel world. I have modeled chivalry, my individual belief about how a man should treat a woman, by opening doors for my daughter and helping her into and out of the car and I have had tough and open conversations with her about the expectations she must maintain when having relationships with men. I have instilled Christian values into my child’s heart and have guided the development of her relationship with Jesus Christ. My daughter’s academic and athletic development rests in my hands. This has included tuition responsibilities and driving her to and from school and all activities. I have assumed responsibility for planning for my daughter’s academic and professional future as well. My daughter and I play together. As a single mother, I have walked through the fires of life without allowing myself to become consumed and I have walked through floods of difficult circumstances without drowning because I am the only person that my child is able to depend on.
Despite the fact that I am a professional who promotes family engagement in education to contribute to the overall success of children and youth, what I just described, the realities of being a single and only parent, is family engagement. When a parent is fully engaged in the life of their child or children and makes sacrifices to support their development, growth, and needs, their gender roles become neutral.
Simply stated, the love that I have for my child overrides gender classification.
So, if I make the decision to attend the ManUp event, even though I am, according to my daughter, the “best mom ever”, I am sure that I will gain new insights to help me become a much better mom.
My daughter is happy that I am sharing our loving story.
Here’s my golden ticket that helps me accomplish my mission.
Dr. Deborah M. Vereen is a retired Family and Consumer Sciences Teacher, Principal, Director of Pupil Personnel Services, Assistant to the Superintendent for Family and Community Engagement, and Professor of Multicultural Education. Her website is www.Drdeborahmvereen.com and and her YouTube channel is https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS1DPhBeA29UlybU9jzDkdQ.