You Want Unconditional Love, but Do You Know How to Give It?
6 steps to find out if you want to
Many expect unconditional love, but few know how to give it.
The conditions of unconditional love are open to interpretation. Unconditional love usually goes something like this: I’ll give it to you if you give it to me.
The whole scenario inspires instant anxiety.
Love, as most dictionaries define it, is having an intense affection for someone or something.
As a child, you wanted unconditional love without knowing what it means. Hopefully, you experienced it with your parents or caregivers.
You’re lucky if you receive unconditional love from anyone. Firstly because you believe in it, secondly because you recognize it, and thirdly because you feel it.
But as you know, how you use it, give it, receive it, and define it is unique to you as the next person.
1. You have to define love
Who among you can define love? You can define it for yourself. But can you define it for others? Yikes, this is complex.
Love is…what makes the world go around. A feeling. Universal. The strongest emotion. A state of mind. a state of being. A frequency. a verb. A noun. Romance. Sex. Actions. Words. Symbols. The list goes on.
The ancient Greeks had 7 different words for love
- Eros: romantic, passionate love
- Philia: intimate, authentic friendship
- Ludus: playful, flirtatious love
- Storge: familial love
- Philautia: self-love
- Pragma: committed, companionate love
- Agápe: empathetic, unconditional, universal love
2. What is unconditional love?
Okay, you’ve defined love. Now you must figure out what unconditional love looks like for you. It doesn’t mean it will look the same for someone else, but you have to start somewhere.
Usually, we think of unconditional love in regards to family or our significant other. Although you love your friends, friendship love is what the Greeks called Philia love.
Agápe love, pronounced ag-uh-pay, is considered unconditional love and stems from the Roman-Greco period and biblical texts. Agápe love is traditionally categorized as the love that comes forth from Christ for humankind but has since been widely used in a non-religious context.
Agápe love is considered the highest form love can take, regardless of circumstance. The operative phrase here is “regardless of circumstance.”
3. Are you capable?
You've defined love and know what unconditional love looks like for you. It's time to ask yourself if you're capable of giving unconditional love.
Maybe you don’t want to give unconditional love. Don’t think your broken if you can’t or don’t want to. The fact that you’re addressing this question is a step in the right direction.
You're on a divine fact-finding mission.
But be honest about what you ask of yourself. I think many people are capable of unconditional love to an extent, for example, with their pets. At least, this is the case for me.
Romance brings forth Eros love, ah, the passion! Your emotions are on overdrive, and you embody the essence of Eros, the Greek god himself. But even Eros has his limits.
Sometimes you love someone dearly, but with conditions. Romantic partners are a good example. If we loved our partners without regard for their actions, we wouldn’t have a 39% divorce rate in the United States.
4. A conversation
If you’ve made it this far, maybe it’s a good time to have a conversation about it. This is where it gets tricky.
You probably have an excellent idea if someone loves you unconditionally. But what most people don’t know is when you put your love to the test, the outcome may surprise you.
Someone you love may do something that makes you question your unconditional love for them.
Unconditional love is like a unicorn. When you see it, it’s magical. Then you experience it, and it’s otherworldly. Finally, you think you have it. Until you don’t.
You’ve been there before; we all have. You assumed you had it — a silent agreement between you both. And then the reality comes crashing down.
Unconditional love who? Huh? What?
5. Unconditional love is good in theory
The idea of unconditional love is a noble one. Is it a realistic one?
It’s good in theory, but in practice, many find its limitlessness too much to accept. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. You have to set your own boundaries.
If you give unconditional love to someone — is that the best thing for both of you? One of you?
How likely is it both of you are giving the same type of unconditional love to the other?
Whew! So many questions and oodles of answers. None of them are right, and none of them are wrong.
6. Over time, love evolves
A natural outgrowth of love is it evolves with you over time. You love differently now than you did before.
I doubt how you love your spouse of 10 years the same way you loved your first boyfriend in high school. Likely, you don't fall in love the same way either.
Chances are you love each of the people in your life differently. Different relationships, different love.
The Greeks called Pragma a type of committed love that builds and strengthens over time, like with a spouse. Storge was considered familial love. Although the two are certainly interchangeable, there remain subtle differences.
Final thoughts
Throughout your lifetime, your definition of love evolves. Hopefully, it expands to encompass a more limitless, universal version.
But love is personal, and the way you love is unique to you. There are as many versions of love in the world as there are people who live in it.
Every person has a love signature. It’s a living energy frequency that reaches through time and space.
The way you love is like your cosmic signature. It’s your gift to give.
While you consider giving your unconditional love to someone, keep in mind the person you should start with — you.
The Greeks called it Philautia — self-love.
How to love yourself is how you teach others to love you.
— Rupi Kaur
Don't wait for unconditional love to come to you. Give it to yourself first.
