You need to get your feelings hurt

Living in an echo chamber doesn’t lead to perspective. You need to get your feelings hurt if you want to grow.

by: E.B. Johnson

As humans, we are creatures primarily of habit and of comfort. We don’t like to be stuck in unpleasant situations, and we don’t like to be made to feel off balance or insecure. That’s why we spend our lives avoiding confrontation and all the fallout that we perceive from it. We spend our lives running from the possibility of getting our feelings hurt. But knowing that our growth happens outside of our comfort zone — could hurt feelings actually be a good thing in the right context?

Your feelings aren’t reality.

We are emotional creatures and we spend a lot of time dwelling on those emotions and what they mean for us. Life is a series of up-and-down experiences that can make it hard for us to see the world as it really is outside of those emotions. While our feelings are real, they aren’t always an honest reflection of what’s going on. Sometimes, in order to get the right perspective — we have to get our feelings hurt and readjusted.

Your feelings are real, but they are not always reality.

Do you spend a lot of time running from a reality that will hurt your sense of truth? Do you invest in the lies that your feelings tell you no matter what? We have to be honest about where our emotions are coming from, and how they impact our place in the world. Holding on to feelings that result from projection or delusion isn’t helpful, it creates a barrier between ourselves and true growth. Although it’s uncomfortable, getting our feelings hurt can sometimes be exactly the kick we need to grow up and become the person we’re supposed to be.

Why you need to get your feelings hurt.

There’s a difference between being genuinely hurt by someone and “having your feelings hurt”. One inflicts genuine damage, while the other tends to be more of a collision with our warped realities. Getting our feelings hurt forces us to reassess how we feel about a situation and even how we think about it too.

Figuring out what you want

Whether your feelings get rightfully or wrongfully damaged by someone, the experience can help you in your journey to figure out what you want from life. That’s where our human urge to run from discomfort comes in handy. Feeling injured from the mean words or behaviors used against you, you’re forced to think about removing yourself from the situation or getting back into that state of comfort and peace that you’re normally in. How do you get there? Figure out what you really want from your life and relationships.

Discovering what matters

Although you probably didn’t realize it at the time, getting your feelings hurt helped you to pinpoint what really matters in your life. Think about it: The last time you had a friend who always hurt you or made you feel bad, did you think about what kind of friends you wished you had instead? This is a positive practice to invest in, and one that can motivate us to make the right changes in our lives and our environments.

Clearing space around you

Sometimes, our feelings get hurt because we’re wrong or being dishonest or disingenuous. Sometimes, though, we get our feelings hurt because we’ve surrounded ourselves with bad people who like to hurt feelings. Knowing the difference is key, but when you do it helps motivate you to get rid of people in your life who don’t need (or deserve) to be there. Listen to your feelings. There’s always a deeper meaning to them; even if it’s not what we expect.

Planting in the right place

Because hurt feelings have the ability to push you out of your comfort zone, they can also encourage you into a place of self-discovery and self-recognition. Seeking to get back on top of the happiness pile, you start searching for some way to right the wrongs you perceive. This can lead you to some pretty important answers and self-realizations that lead to healing and transformation of the highest kind.

Creating a base of courage

Let’s face it: You’re more likely to speak up for yourself when you’re feeling angry, off-put, or otherwise insulted by what someone is saying. Emotions are powerful motivators. They can give us the courage to make some serious changes in our lives and enable us to take action when we might have been content standing still. Instead of seeing your hurt feelings as a reason to hide, see it a launching point from which to get where you want to go.

Confronting your truth

Being pushed into your emotions forces you to confront them and (often) the painful events of your past. While highly uncomfortable, this is the primary way by which we grow into the person we’re supposed to be. We have to confront our truth in order to heal and put to rest all that inner turmoil and pain. When you run from your emotions, they become even bigger, and they follow you everywhere projected on the people and places around you.

How to embrace the discomfort.

You need to learn to embrace discomfort — both in your life and in your emotions. This doesn’t mean you should make it a welcome part of your life. Quite the contrary. It simply means that when you find yourself uncomfortable and standing with your feelings hurt, you need to process those emotions and get to a place of seeing the bigger perspective.

1. Know it serves a purpose

Our emotions are a messenger, and like all good messengers they come with intention and purpose. Too many of us, however, spring into action as soon as these messengers appear — rather than hearing them out. You have to know that your emotions serve a purpose. Knowing this, you also have to make space to listen to the lesson they are trying to point you toward. Sadness, grief, embarrassment, anger; these emotions always come with a point we need to listen to.

Embrace your discomfort and know that your hurt feelings serve a purpose in your journey. Question them. Get to the root of where they are coming from and the experiences that shaped them. Are you really reacting to a hurt? Or are you projecting your expectations on the world?

Your feelings are very real, and the effect they have on your life is very real too. Our emotions are messengers. They guide us and they hold lessons for us that are crucial to our growth as ideal human beings. Once we acknowledge our emotions serve a purpose, we can become more proactive in building our awareness of them. This includes questioning the experiences that inform our emotions and questioning too our projection of experiences on our current place.

2. Celebrate the growing pains

Getting anywhere in this life requires that we learn how to find the silver lining whenever we’ve been hurt or made to feel uncomfortable. We have to find a way to look on the brighter side, and a way to find the lesson that can help us prevent such pain in the future. When our feelings get hurt, the best way to do this is through a celebration of the growing pains. Thank your emotions for the lessons they bear and listen to them with an open heart.

Find the silver lining in your hurt feelings by choosing to see them as growing pains. Whether you were treated wrongly, or your emotions were unfocused — this is still a chance to learn something about who you are and what you want from your life, your career, and even your friendships.

Celebrate the growing pains. Turn it into an affirmation. Tell your inner self that you accept this hurt, and that you will right it. Look around. What needs to change? How can you resolve these emotions or provide yourself with some sort of resolution? Honestly reflecting on these answers will carry us a long way. It will also help us to see the great benefit that emotions bring to our lives, and the innumerable ways in which they can point us in the right direction.

3. Focus on a future you want

When our feelings get hurt, we have a funny way of being forced to look forward. Once the initial shock of injury passes, we quickly look for a way to get out of our state of discomfort. This directs our gaze to the future and potential changes we want to make (like removing people from our social circles, or moving on to a different career. Feelings can be the catalyst we need when we know how to use it honestly.

Instead of dwelling on the hurt you feel in this present moment, focus on how you want to move forward. Before you know it, the present becomes the past. But you’re still stuck on emotions that are twisted and hurt. Don’t allow your feelings to become an anchor that holds you back.

Focus on the future that you want. Look to move forward, avoiding situations that lead to such hurt and upset again. Did your injury come because of your own need to progress? Or did it result from someone else’s destructive behavior? Figure out where the source of your emotion is coming from and then focus forward. How can you get where you want to be? What needs to happen for you to find resolution? You’re the only one with the answers of a future.

4. Take action to course-correct

Our discomfort and hurt feelings are nothing if not excellent motivators. They don’t just inspire us to look within. They also inspire us to take action and move ourselves to more comfortable climes. When you listen to your emotions and weigh them against reality, you can identify powerful ways in which to change your life and your opportunities. Instead of groveling in the hurt, you have to move forward with conscious action.

You need to take action and course-correct to get your emotions back under control. That means taking mindful and intentional actions to correct your feelings and get yourself back on steady ground.

There is a different action needed for all emotions, and it will depend on the circumstances too. Maybe these negative emotions signal a growing time in your life, where you need to get out into the world and experience new things and people. Or maybe these emotions signal a time to upgrade your social circles. Make no mistake, though, your emotions can often signal a need to take action in the other direction. Sometimes the action we need to take is nothing at all. Sometimes all our feelings need is some time to ride it out.

Putting it all together…

Although we avoid hurt feelings, they can be a growing point when it comes to manifesting the life or personality we really want to have. Instead of running from our emotions, we have to question them. Are we really taking offense, or are we encountering a chance to change the way we think and approach our lives? Look at the bigger picture. Our emotions are not always reality, though they are always real and valid.

Know that your feelings serve a purpose, but also know that their meaning is obscured by your own perception of reality. Although we think our emotions are a reflection of what is, they are often a reflection of our expectations. Take time to process and question your emotions and where they’re coming from. Celebrate the growing pains and know that this self-discovery better equips you with the power to change your life. Focus on the future that you want. How can this temporary discomfort bring you closer to that person that you want to be? Take action and course-correct. How do you get back to your happiness again? Are there certain people that need to be removed from your life? Are there changes that need to be made to your own way of thinking? Dig deep and find the answers. That’s how you’ll get back on top.

• Vangelisti, A., Young, S., Carpenter-Theune, K., & Alexander, A. (2005). Why Does It Hurt?. Communication Research, 32(4), 443–477. doi: 10.1177/0093650205277319

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