Summary

Elle Beau advocates for relationship agreements, akin to Sheldon Cooper's in "The Big Bang Theory," to facilitate clear communication and understanding of expectations between partners, which can be particularly beneficial in non-traditional relationship structures such as open marriages or when preparing for a new baby.

Abstract

The concept of a relationship agreement, popularized by the television show "The Big Bang Theory," is presented as a practical tool for modern relationships. Elle Beau shares her personal experience of how such an agreement helped navigate the complexities of an open marriage. She emphasizes the importance of transparent communication about individual needs, desires, and expectations to prevent conflicts and foster mutual understanding. Beau also touches on the rising trend of "baby prenups," which are agreements that outline parental responsibilities and expectations before the arrival of a newborn. These agreements are not necessarily formal contracts but can be ongoing conversations that adapt as the relationship evolves. The overarching message is that by co-creating relationship parameters, couples can avoid the pitfalls of unexpressed expectations and build a foundation that supports their unique partnership.

Opinions

Relationship agreements are a humorous yet effective method to address potential conflicts in a relationship, as inspired by Sheldon Cooper's approach in "The Big Bang Theory."
Open communication about relationship expectations is crucial, as mismatched or unexpressed expectations can lead to conflict.
Traditional relationship norms, such as sexual exclusivity in marriage, may not fit every couple's needs, and it's important to discuss what aspects of traditional relationships are valued by each partner.
Jealousy and roles within the relationship should be openly discussed to understand each partner's perspective and to manage these emotions constructively.
A relationship agreement can help couples navigate new situations, such as the arrival of a baby or opening up the relationship, by setting clear intentions and responsibilities.
"Baby prenups" are gaining popularity as a way to preemptively address the division of labor and financial responsibilities related to a new child.
Writing down questions or key points of discussion can be beneficial for clarity and accountability in the relationship.
Time management, including how much time is spent alone, together, or with others, is an important aspect of a relationship agreement, especially when partners have different social needs.
Relationship agreements are seen as a way to actively co-create a partnership rather than passively accepting societal norms, allowing for a more personalized and fulfilling relationship.

You Need A Relationship Agreement

And maybe even a “baby prenup”

One of the funniest elements of Sheldon Cooper’s character in the TV show, The Big Bang Theory, is his constant reference to the “relationship agreement.” He had one with his roommate Leonard, and another one with his girlfriend Amy, who later became his wife. These documents spelled out everything from what the acceptable temperature was in the apartment to when hand-holding was allowed: “Under Section 5, hand holding is only allowed under the following circumstances: a) Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge; b) Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel prize; c) Moral support during flu shots.”

The relationship agreement, (later known as the marriage contract) between Sheldon and Amy was a thirty-one page document that “enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities” of Sheldon and Amy in their relationship. It made for a lot of humorous moments on the show, but it’s also a really great idea, although I don’t think yours needs to be 31 pages long. It doesn’t even need to necessarily be written down. But, if you haven’t talked extensively about the parameters of your relationship, you and your partner will be operating out of what your own expectations are, and these may be very different from those of your partner. This means it’s quite likely that some of your unexpressed expectations are not going to be met, and that is invariably where conflict arises.

My husband, James, and I started to really understand this when we opened up our 20+ year marriage to other people. Before that, it had never occurred to us to have really frank conversations about what we each wanted and expected. We were just kind of bumbling along through our relationship based on the road-map of prior relationships, what we saw in the movies and other media, and what we had picked up from our culture more generally about what marriage was supposed to be and how it was supposed to go.

We had talked some about our relationship, but not really in-depth. When we entered into scenarios where there was no pre-fab way to go about it, like including other people into our lives, both sexually and romantically, we had to create our own road-map. It was awkward at first, but it turned out to be a really good thing that I wish we’d done much sooner. We don’t have a lot of hard and fast rules, but we do now have a much better sense of what works for us as individuals and as a couple.

It can be challenging to have these kinds of conversations, which is probably why most people don’t bother with them. Getting really clear and really honest about how you want things to go and then conveying that to someone you love, who may not entirely agree, is pretty vulnerable. But if you don’t do it, you are kind of bumping around in the dark together, just hoping for the best. Sometimes that works out OK, but a lot of times it doesn’t, so it’s worth the time and effort to be a lot more transparent.

James and I don’t have a formal document in the way that Sheldon and Amy did, but we have made it a practice to have an on-going conversation about our relationship. In the beginning, it was a lot more difficult than it is now. We had many hours of conversation and sharing before we ever had a date with anyone else. Not only did we talk about what we wanted and what we didn’t, we told each other things that we never had before about experiences from the past. And we keep this conversation on-going.

We’ve worked through a lot, and also dealt with bringing elements into our relationship that were very different from what we’d had before. Committed marriage no longer means that we only love each other; it no longer means sexual exclusivity. Rather than subconsciously buying into what other people have decided that marriage is, we have come to an agreement about what it means to the two of us. That’s affected much more than our love life. It informs everything about our relationship now.

Here are a few of the things from our relationship agreement:

We do a lot of turn-taking with household chores; nothing is solely one person’s job
We only see other people together and don’t go on separate dates
We support each other and want what makes the other person authentically happy, even if it’s not what we might pick for ourselves

We have a long-standing joke that we can read each other’s minds about 75% of the time. Problems can arise with the remaining 25% because we tend to believe that we know how the other person thinks and feels, only to often discover the hard way that this isn’t actually the case. This leads to mis-understandings, unmet expectations, and the occasional resulting squabble, all due to the times where we’ve reverted back to old habits and forgotten to really actively communicate.

Because stress and new situations can create tension and misaligned expectations, and having a newborn is right up there on that front, “baby prenups” are on the rise. These are written contracts that outline for the expectant parents what their agreements are around the arrival of their new baby. The thought being that when people are stressed, sleep-deprived, and dealing with a whole new way of life, it’s easy for communication to break down. If you start the conversation before the baby arrives, and then build on it, things will probably go smoother.

A baby prenup might specify:

Who will handle night feedings and diaper changes.

Who will be responsible for child care drop-offs, grocery shopping, doctor appointments and other chores.

A clear budget for how much parents plan to contribute to savings accounts, education funds, child care costs and other child-related expenses.

As I’ve said, a relationship agreement of any kind doesn’t have to be as formal as an actual contract and it doesn’t even have to be written down. But, depending on how organized and thorough you are, and on how well you already know yourself and your partner, you might want to, at a minimum, consider writing down the questions you want to discuss.

Some things to think about in the creation of your own relationship agreement:

What aspects of traditional, monogamous marriage/relationship are important to me and to my partner and which ones aren’t? Be very specific. For example, you might decide to keep sexual exclusivity but agree to talk about other people that you find attractive.
How does jealousy play into our relationship dynamics and how do we each prefer to deal with it?
What are my jobs and/or roles in the relationship and what are my partner’s? Does my partner agree with how I think about this?
How do I imagine things will unfold in a particular scenario? When my partner answers the same question, where are there similarities and differences? Ask this question every time a novel situation arises. Do it before vacations, visits from family, and other situations that mix up the typical dynamic of the relationship.
What are the things that bring up fear or uncertainty for me and for my partner? How can we support and reassure each other but also take responsibility for ourselves?
How much time to do you each foresee spending alone, together as a couple, and with other people such as friends and family? (I’m an introvert and James is an extrovert. I love spending time with him, but I also need significant time alone. It took a while before he really understood that this wasn’t me rejecting him in some way. It’s just how I regroup.)

Unexpressed expectations are one of the primary things that fosters discord. Having honest and frank discussions about what you think, believe, want, fear and expect can go a long way towards avoiding it. Relationship agreements, whether formal or informal, are a helpful way to remove ambiguity in a complex world. They allow you to co-create your relationship rather than defaulting to parameters that have been devised by other people. And if you really want to take it to the Amy and Sheldon level, you can even have a segment for Booboos and Ouchies.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.

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