You Might Be Drinking Too Much Coffee If
#21 will shock and terrify you
In the Garden of Eden, there once lived a beautiful and vivacious lady named Lilith, who had flaming red hair and first coined the term “mansplain.” She lived alone for 1,000 years or so, until the various goddesses and gods noticed she was bored.
So they built a Starbucks in the shade of the Tree of Good and Evil. One day, while sipping a sugar-free, iced chai, Lilith noticed a naked man ordering a hot half-caf with heavy cream, despite the day being rather warm.
They struck up a conversation and so humanity was born. This is the Bible they don’t want you to know about — the one that reveals the man, I think his name was Dave, came along after Lilith. The Tree of Good and Evil eventually grew very tall and provided excellent shade for the Starbucks parking lot.
Because there was Starbucks, there was gender equality, since everyone could order whatever they wanted, and both males and females needed good jobs to pay for their own drinks. Lilith was not oppressed by being forced to drink regular coffee from a convenience store, and Dave occasionally indulged in a Mocha.
The black lacquer of liquid sunshine is all good, but if you are spending all your time at Starbucks or Dutch Bros or my local shop, the Red Light Roastery, you may have a problem.
It’s possible to drink too much.
1/ Your nickname is Jitters, Shaky, or Mocha Java
You might tremble naturally, like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm, but if you are filling up your cup six times daily and you can’t be trusted to carry a tray full of drinks, it’s the coffee.
2/ Mothers warn their kids to stay away
Do kids shy away from you? It could be you are always seen with a mug or an icy mocha. Could be — these moms know a junkie when they see one.
3/ Banned from at least one Starbucks
At some point you were jonesing so bad you got cranky with a Starbucks barista. It happens. Then it happened again, and pretty soon they knew the make and model of your car and your money was no good there.
4/ You woke up in the Pacific Northwest and don’t know how you got there
The wellspring of great java is midway between Seattle and Portland, not far from DB Cooper’s skeletal remains. No one knows for sure, but you can feel the vibrations as you drive into the region.
5/ Your dog is named Java, Kona, or Juan Valdez
6/ You’ve tried dying your graying locks with coffee grounds.
If this were a thing, someone would’ve started a hair color empire called Mason Blacklove from leftover grounds, and would be rolling in dough.
7/ You travel with your burr grinder
Is that wrong?
8/ Your four cats are named Bean, Burr, Baritza, and Decaf.
9/ You are able to explain in simple language the difference between a Latte and a Cappuccino, so even your grandma could understand.
10/ You throw shade on the younger generation by claiming they spend all their money on fancy coffee drinks but it’s a smokescreen to hide the reality: you spend money like a drunken sailor on posh coffee drinks.
11/ You found a $20 bill in the Dutch Bros parking lot and immediately shouted,
“Drinks are on me!”
12/ You looked up a 12-step group for caffeine addicts, flunked the online test, and told no one.
13/ You own 18 travel mugs, including:
— 3 with tops that are broken — 2 from Starbucks — 1 from a convenience store — 2 freebies you won at work — 1 that is black and crusty inside
14/ You produced a hit play called “No Drive-Thru Exit” in which two coffee drinkers and one innocent bystander are stuck in a line of cars going nowhere. They soon begin to wonder if they have died and are in purgatory.
Critics hailed you as the next Sarte, noting that:
“Hell is other people in cars waiting for caffeine.”
15/ Your 4-year-old dressed up as a straw for Halloween
16/ Your last relationship ended in an argument in a coffee shop.
You: drinking a hot Mocha but wishing you’d ordered an iced Vanilla Latte. Him: sipping from a gnarly McDonald’s cup and accusing you of being an elitist with too many cats.
17/ Your favorite selfie is standing right outside Starbucks, with a line of cars in the background, while you are sucking on a straw and cradling an iced green tea latte. The dappled sunlight creates the effect of standing in a green meadow full of buttercups.
18/ Your daughter’s first words were: venti, momma!
19/ You are able to discern four shades of black: charcoal, obsidian, espresso, and Elizabeth Holmes meets Steve Jobs.
20/ When you tried to quit in 2013, your teeth fell out. When they grew back, they were pointy. You do not smile anymore.
21/ Once, you drove through the midwest and there was no Starbucks for 433 miles. You texted a friend:
“It’s so tan here, all I can think about is a Vanilla Latte. Will you come get me?”
22/ Your weirdo Mormon brother-in-law has never tasted a stimulating drink.
Your dream: to slip him a Starbucks refresher, then sit back and observe.
23/ You tried to get addicted to Boba and failed.
24/ You consider sleeping six out of seven nights normal.
25/ Sometimes you talk to your pour-over coffee maker, gently encouraging it:
“Go at your own pace, my friend.”
Closing Remarks
The US currently has 15,457 Starbucks. McDonalds is peppering the landscape — especially in Starbucks-deprived areas — with 18,332 restaurants.
I’m ambivalent about this information. We clearly need stimulants to get through life, but the ubiquity of a drug that keeps us awake makes me wonder if The Man doesn’t have us all fooled.
Is Starbucks a CIA operation? I would have to conclude that yes, yes it is.
Since beginning her freelance writing journey in March 2019, Jean Campbell has learned oodles about humor — leading to over 7K Medium followers and hundreds of articles.
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