You Know You’re a Writer When… (Spoiler: Your Search History is Concerning)

The good, the baffling, and the downright questionable searches of a scribe.

Hello to the uninitiated, the curious, and those nodding because this title sounded too relatable!

Being a writer is not just about stringing words together; it’s about weaving experiences, emotions, and sometimes the most outlandish ideas into a cohesive narrative. You realize you’ve gone down the rabbit hole of authorship when you’ve Googled, “Is it possible to overdose on coffee?” and “How long does it take for a body to decompose in the desert?” within ten minutes.

There are telltale signs that confirm your esteemed membership in the “writer’s club”!

• Your Search History Could Get You on a Watchlist

You’re plotting a thriller and need specifics on a particular poison. Google promptly serves your options, but there’s that niggling feeling someone, somewhere, is raising an eyebrow. Or maybe you’re trying to understand the mechanics of a medieval catapult. Why? Only your protagonist knows.

Searches like “most potent neurotoxin” or “DIY smoke bomb” are scientific queries and badges of honor. The badge reads: “I swear, I’m writing a novel!”

• Your Devices Are Flooded with Half-Baked Ideas

Scattered notes? Check. Voice memos with incoherent midnight epiphanies? Double-check. Whether it’s a napkin scribble or a phone brimming with disjointed plot points, you’re in deep if you can’t find space for a new idea.

• You’ve Argued with Nonexistent People

You’ve been there fervently debating with your characters, questioning their life choices. Your friends and family might give you weird looks, but what do they know about Reginald’s deep-seated fear of spoons?

• Everyday Situations Turn Into Story Prompts

Are you stuck in the help? That’s a post-apocalyptic world where cars are obsolete. A neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking? It’s communicating with aliens. A writer’s mind is a cauldron bubbling with story starters.

• You Suffer From Acute Procaffeination

Sure, everyone likes coffee. But writers have a special relationship with it. It’s not procrastination; it’s “decaffeination.” The act of delaying work until you’ve had just one more cup.

• The Thesaurus is Your Best Friend and Worst Enemy

You can’t decide if “luminous” is better than “resplendent.” Six synonyms later, and you’re still pondering. Let’s not even talk about the time spent searching for that one word on the tip of your tongue!

• Blank Pages are Simultaneously Alluring and Terrifying

The siren call of a blank page, promising infinite possibilities, can quickly become the daunting silence of a vast void. It’s the thrill of the chase and the fear of the unknown all wrapped into one.

• You’ve Had Emotional Breakdowns Over Fictional People

Your characters have made you laugh, cry, and hurl your manuscript across the room. They’re like your children, but you’re also their unrelenting god, bestowing joy and calamity with a pen stroke.

• Writer’s Block is Real, and It’s Not Just a Fancy Word for Laziness

It’s like being stuck in mental quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. But fear not! That 3 a.m. surge of inspiration is just around the corner. Probably.

• You’ve Done Things “For Research”

Are you riding a horse backward? Check. Are you eating a bug? Done. All in the name of authenticity. You don’t want a reader pointing out, “That’s not how you ride a horse backward!”

• Passionate Conversations about Punctuation

Has a heated argument about the Oxford comma ever ruined a dinner party for you? Or perhaps you’ve lost friendships debating the merits of the em dash versus the en dash. Welcome to the whimsical world of writerly disputes!

• A Room with a View? No, Thanks.

Most people dream of offices with picturesque views. Writers? We need a wall and guarantee no distractions unless you consider staring at a blank wall, conjuring worlds, a distraction.

• You’ve Diagnosed Yourself with Hypochondria

You’re convinced that your last piece was dreadful. Despite the raving reviews, you’re pretty sure everyone’s just being friendly. The classic self-doubting ailment of writers! Hypochondria: the irrational belief your writing is sickly.

• Your Bookshelf is Your Pride and Your Bankruptcy

Between reference books, novels for “research,” and those titles you just had to have, your bookshelf might be a structural hazard. You’ll also find that little space is left for trivial things, like anything other than books.

• Ever Tried to Decipher Your Handwriting?

Remember that “brilliant” idea you scribbled down at 2 a.m.? Good luck figuring out what “mumblejuff wibblesnit” means when fully awake.

• Guilty of Eavesdropping? You Call It ‘Character Research’

Overheard a couple’s quarrel at the café? Or maybe caught snippets of a stranger’s phone call? Instead of feeling guilty, you’re mentally filing it away for a potential scene or character dialogue. You’re not nosy; you’re observant!

• Money is Great, But Have You Ever Been Referred to in the Third Person?

“The author brilliantly captures…” Oh, the joy that sentence brings. Sure, royalties and accolades are delightful. But are they being referred to as “the author” in reviews? Now, that’s the real money shot.

• Physical Pain from a Plot Twist

Have you ever paced around your room, pulled your hair, or (in a dramatic twist) dropped to your knees because a plot won’t behave? If someone ever recorded a writer wrestling with a rebellious storyline, it would look like a soap opera audition tape.

• Your Friends Avoid Sharing Personal Stories

They’ve realized that any anecdote might become fodder for your next story. Has that hilarious date gone wrong? Now, a comedic chapter. Their childhood trauma involving a hamster? A poignant subplot.

• You’ve Been Caught Sniffing Books

The eau de literature is intoxicating. Whether it’s the musky aroma of an antique tome or the crisp scent of a freshly printed page, book sniffing is a guilty pleasure. The real problem arises when you’re caught in the act at a public library.

• You Live in Constant Fear of Technology Failing You

The eternal dread that your computer might crash and take your half-finished masterpiece with it. Thus, you have backups of backups saved in three different locations. The Cloud, USB drives, and, if you’re old-school, printed and stored in a fireproof box.

• The Rollercoaster of Editing Emotions

One minute, you’re patting yourself on the back for a well-crafted sentence. The next, you’re contemplating chucking the whole manuscript because of a stubborn paragraph. Editing is when your keyboard faces the brunt of your mood swings.

• You’ve Apologized to Your Characters

Killing off a beloved character or putting them through emotional wringers is part and parcel of storytelling. But if you’ve ever whispered a heartfelt “I’m sorry” to a fictional entity, it’s official: your writer’s empathy is next level.

• “Do Not Disturb” Signs Don’t Work on Your Muse

Inspiration strikes at the oddest hours. During a shower, in a dream, or during a workout. The muse respects no boundaries. While it’s often inconvenient, you’re grateful for those unexpected sparks.

• Your Dreams Have Plotlines and Character Arcs

For some, dreams are abstract and disjointed. For the writer, they come with three acts: rising tension and character development. Some mornings, you wake up feeling like you’ve binge-watched an entire season of a show no one else knows about.

More quirks of the craft. Embrace the madness, for the spark lights the creative fire. If you resonate with more than half of this list, you are a genuine writer and part of a tribe that finds solace in the beautiful chaos of storytelling.

If the authorities ever question your search history, hand them a copy of your book. It’s the best alibi.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I’d like to hear your perspective.

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