You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Be Loved

A gentle reminder to be kind to yourself while you’re growing

January is always an interesting time for me.

On the one hand, it is one of my favorite months marked by the promise of a new and improved self. On the other, I’m met with some uneasiness as another year passes and I think about how quickly time moves while I still feel close to the memories of my past.

January marks the beginning of another year around the sun, and each year I’m tasked with reflecting on both the wins and losses of the last.

Last year, I wrote an article about how to be vulnerable when forming connections:

Since then, I have seen self-growth.

I have learned to detach myself from endings that came too soon. I had grown to be more empathetic to another person’s journey. I had welcomed connections in whatever capacity people were able to give. I had learned acceptance.

But last year was not all growth.

In my quest to become a more securely attached individual, I found myself not attaching myself to anyone. In chasing an ideal version of myself, I lost the ability to feel deeply connected, moved, and inspired.

In reality, I stopped daring to dream. I didn’t allow myself to claim my desires for healthy, passionate love. I had lost an innocent naivety that had previously defined my positive — and arguably optimistic — outlook on relationships.

Where vulnerability used to be my strength, it became my shield.

I owned my flaws and shortcomings early and wore them like a sleeve. Like a disclaimer, these vulnerabilities acted as a wall to prevent others from getting too close.

Essentially what I was saying was:

“I want to be seen. I want to be heard. But I don’t want to be loved.”

That manifested in my approach to dating, that of a very nonchalant, happy-go-lucky and unattached person. I didn’t allow myself to want a relationship with anyone. In some way or another, I felt I wasn’t ready because I needed to fix myself first. What I thought was a healthy form of growth slowly became a backward way of guarding myself and keeping others at a distance.

Love is not a reward for success.

I longed for a connection that would feed my soul and help me grow but when that came, I did not know how to recognize it or how to accept it.

I sold myself the negative self-talk that I didn’t want a relationship until I became the best version of myself. Once I achieve this milestone, only then will I be ready for a meaningful relationship. Only then will I allow another person to emotionally invest in me. Only then will I be ready to accept love — only when I felt deserving.

It took a special person with great emotional endurance to give me the wake-up call that perhaps, I had gone too far in my self-growth journey and had been too difficult on myself.

That despite my shortcomings, or the inconveniences that I thought I brought, I was enough. That I didn’t need to be the best version at all times in order to be loved. That albeit being transparent, honest and vulnerable, I still wasn’t allowing myself to let love in.

This person reminded me that it is okay to want to be seen, heard, and loved, even when we are still growing. Even if we are not where we want to be yet. It is okay to lean on others during our discomfort and growing pains.

It was difficult for me to understand and accept that someone would choose me when I had not yet chosen myself.

Of course, lessons learned too late are always a little bittersweet. Sweet because I am thankful for the outcome of that time shared, that the outcome would ultimately create a better version of myself. Bitter that the people who contributed to that growth are not around to see it.

Focus on growth, not perfection.

More than anything, this last year has taught me about my hopes and fears, and the delicate dance of the two. I learned that it is okay to want to build on the connections you have with people even if you’re unsure of the outcome. That some people will help you even when you have not asked. The line between acceptance and indifference is easily blurred but let this be a reminder that it is healthy to yearn for a life full of passion and desire.

Maybe the goal is to not penalize myself for being human; maybe it is to allow myself to be imperfect and growing, while letting myself be cared for in exactly that imperfection. To not turn away opportunities to learn about myself through others.

In retrospect, it’s very easy to abandon my hopes and dreams and pass them off as unrealistic, even idealistic. I found that in me doing so I actually moved farther and farther away from who I really am.

This has been a reminder that learning to love and learning to let love in are both equally important.

You don’t have to grow alone.

It is easy to fixate on all the areas where we could have done better or been better. The harder task is to treat yourself with patience and kindness in spite of those vulnerabilities. To care for yourself enough to remain open at all times in your journey. Through the failures, through the mistakes, and through the periods where we feel undeserving. This is a reminder that we don’t need to wait until all the pieces fit in order for people to care for us. There is beauty in growing together.

“There are times in everyone’s life where we have to lean in on people more than we are used to and it forces us to see that we are not only worthy of love when we are pleasant to be around but we are especially worthy of love when we are in pain or suffering.” — @bunnymichael