How to Practice Emotional Vulnerability Without Getting Attached

The hard truth about forming authentic relationships without guarding your heart

Almost a year ago, I met somebody who would later help me understand what it felt like to find a sense of home in another person. That feeling of wow, I’ve definitely met this person in a past life, or I feel like I’ve known you forever—and this person brought to life a quote that deeply resonates with me to this day:

“Your soul and my soul are very old friends.” — Anonymous

It was a random quote I found in my Instagram discover feed a while back, and while it stuck with me for its poetry, I never experienced its meaning until I met this person.

Meeting and unmeeting this person can only be described as feeling like I was coming home — only to find that they were just visiting.

So when they were no longer in my life, their absence weighed heavy on me.

There is something unusually difficult about letting go of someone who sparks something deep inside your soul. And if you’re going through this experience first-hand, I empathize with you.

It can be an extremely painful process to let your guard down and let someone connect with you emotionally. And if the connection is strong enough, then getting emotionally invested in this person is hard to prevent, even if you’ve placed proper boundaries and safeguards. If that connection doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped, it can be a tiring and disheartening experience to cope with its ending and to start again.

A reasonable response to a lost connection is to bounce back with an even higher guard, a defense mechanism to prevent ourselves from getting hurt in the future. While this may seem like a healthy coping mechanism, guarding your heart prevents you from forming genuine relationships with people and prevents you from bringing your authentic self to your relationships.

“When we’re around people, we’re not being ourselves because we’re being protective. But sometimes in our self-protection, we block out the very thing that we want so much, which is connection with people.” — Brendan Burchard

When I look back at all the people I’ve met, my favorite and most meaningful experiences are the select moments where I was truly emotionally vulnerable and available to another person. Of course, with any level of vulnerability, you run the risk of potentially getting hurt. But in retrospect, there are few to no moments that I regret letting my guard down.

If you’ve been lucky enough to have met someone who you found to be such a beautiful person, that their connection ultimately changed you, then this is a blessing.

I hope you meet many more.

The problem is not being emotionally vulnerable to another person — it is the attachment that may come with it.

Practicing emotional vulnerability is difficult because you allow another person to gain access to parts of you that you don’t share with most. When people feel comfortable being vulnerable around another person, it means they feel safe stripping themselves of the mask or shield they wear to the outside world. They invite this person to the more intimate parts of them. The process itself is a special one and can lead to intense feelings: feelings of comfort, safety, and trust. All of these feelings are valuable and can lead to a person feeling attached.

When we attach ourselves to something, we ultimately give power to that thing to hurt us in its absence. If we welcome people in our life with an open heart, we appreciate the experience in its entirety — from the joy, the lessons, and ultimately the moments that become memories.

There is so much beauty in just enjoying another person’s being and presence with no other demands. The hard part is to find it in yourself to surrender your need to control a specific outcome. It takes real intentionality and practice to get both comfortable and good at being vulnerable while letting go of any attachment to a person.

When you relieve yourself from this burden — this burden to hold and to keep another person — you allow yourself to form deep connections with people for no other reason than to connect itself.

Accept that this person may not be yours to keep.

You are on your own journey and you happen to meet another beautiful human who is on his or her own journey. And somewhere between here and there, your two journeys had the unique chance to cross paths. Allow yourself to feel positive emotions towards people even if those emotions are fleeting and don’t necessarily lead to something more. Don’t undermine the level of importance a person may have in your life just because their stay was brief and impermanent.

Normalize expressing honest feelings as a default way to connect with people.

Being comfortable with sharing your feelings takes time and practice. Start by verbalizing your needs, thoughts, and feelings as part of your normal conversation. Instead of making vulnerability something scarce and accessed only on rare occasions, make it a part of the way you connect with any person.

People can be nervous to share how they feel because they are focused on the reaction or response. A common fear of vulnerability is the fear of being rejected or dismissed. Taking ownership of your feelings is a powerful thing you can do for yourself because it gives the other person permission to do the same. When you let your guard down and practice transparent communication with your emotions, the other person is more likely to feel comfortable being honest about theirs.

Meet people where they are, not where you want them to be.

We are all at different places in our journey and some people move at different paces. A quality connection creates a safe space for each person to move at the pace that is most natural to them. When you’re empathetic to another person’s journey, you prevent yourself from placing unrealistic and unfair expectations on others and ultimately prevent yourself from feeling disappointed if they are unable to meet those expectations. Never force another person to meet you where you are if they are not there yet. The best you can do is bring your most authentic self forward and encourage them to do the same.

Give your connection room to unfold in whatever way it’s meant to.

Allow yourself to form connections, whether it be romantic, platonic, or everything in between. Give yourself the flexibility to ebb and flow as the connection evolves. If the connection runs its course, allow it to end because that is where the journey was supposed to go. Don’t limit the depth of a connection just because this person may or may not be in your life forever. Life is much more meaningful when we allow ourselves to share many personal, human moments with the people we encounter in our lives.

Be thankful for the time shared.

Each connection is unique for its own reasons. No two conversations or experiences will ever be the same. Find the beauty in this.

Emotional vulnerability allows people to connect with others in the most human way possible. While it may expose us to potential rejection and pain, practicing vulnerability in our daily lives makes connecting with people less difficult, more abundant, and more authentic. At the end of the day, your life is made up of relationships — the ones you have with others, and the one you have with yourself. I hope in all of these relationships, you can feel safe being your authentic self.