You don’t love yourself enough

Still battling subpar relationships? A mismatched life? Self-doubt? You don’t love yourself enough, but you can start right now.

by: E.B. Johnson

Loving yourself is such an important life skill to cultivate, but it’s one that so many of us lack. We spend decades looking for other people to love us, but it is truly our love that we need the most in order to thrive. The compassion and the empathy that we constantly throw toward other people? We need to extend that same kindness and understanding toward ourselves if we want to discover the true key to happiness.

It’s time to stop chasing the love and validation of others. Seeking this connection solely in other people shows we don’t have enough of it within ourselves. Open up your heart and allow it to share its love within that authentic core that you keep hidden away from others. Until you love yourself as deeply and passionately as you love others, you will keep settling for less than you deserve in life.

Self-love is the most important kind of love.

As humans, we’re social creatures. Within that craving for social connection, we also crave love and absolute acceptance and recognition. We want our partners to see us and appreciate us, no matter how imperfect we may be. Usually, we consider this to be love and we chase it for the entirety of our lives. We rarely stop to consider how powerful that love is when it’s extended to ourselves, however.

Self-love is the most important kind of love there is, but it is often the hardest one to give. We’re our own worst critics. We’ll tear ourselves down faster than we build ourselves up, and we’ll allow our joy to be completely destroyed, all because we don’t think we’re worthy of anything better.

If we truly want to build lives and relationships that are accepting and fulfilling, we have to love ourselves first. When we don’t love ourselves, we fail to set boundaries and we look to make others happy before ourselves. Settling for less, we can also find ourselves with turbulent relationships and corroded self-esteem that makes it hard for us to build any type of meaning or security. Want to manifest a meaningful life? Learn how to love yourself inside and out.

Common signs that you’re lacking in self-love.

We can tell ourselves that we love who we are all day long, but our actions speak so much louder than our words. If you still struggle to set boundaries, or you continue to settle for people who treat you badly — then you haven’t truly learned how to love yourself. But you can, when you start taking ownership over your life and all the parts that are going wrong.

Trouble setting boundaries

Boundaries are a crucial part of protecting our needs and our wellbeing, but we can struggle with this skill when we don’t love ourselves the way we should. Do you find that you’re always giving in to what others want? Do you struggle with saying “no” or find that you always agree to do things you don’t want to do? These are indications that you’re dealing with weak boundaries and a lack of self-love and self-respect.

Settling for less

Look at your closest relationships. What are they like? Do you have a history of strong partnerships? Or do you regularly settle for people who don’t fit or provide what you need? This tendency to settle for less than we deserve is always a sign that we’re chasing a love we don’t provide to ourselves. In order to build happy and productive lives, we have to stop settling and pursue relationships and experiences that allow us to be happy and mindful.

Inability to take criticism

What happens when you receive criticism at work or within your relationships? Even when this information is helpful and carefully delivered — do you find that you struggle to accept it? Do you lash out or blow up? An inability to take criticism is always a sign that we aren’t sure in who we are. When we love ourselves and we are secure in ourselves, we can take criticism, process it, and take on what’s appropriate for our continued growth.

Avoiding confrontation

People who love themselves are those who know that they sometimes have to stand up for who they are and what they want. Life isn’t easy, and it requires that we sometimes fight for what we want. We have to stand up for ourselves and our boundary lines, but this can result in the occasional conflict. As long as you carry yourself with respect and self-certainty, then there is no reason to avoid confrontation when your wellbeing is on the line.

Failing in self-care

Believe it or not, self-care is a natural part of self-love. Those who love themselves know that they have to nourish their bodies and their souls (just as much as anyone else’s). For this reason, they regularly take time for themselves. They use this time to reconnect and recenter, while recharging their emotional batteries and getting refocused on what matters, or the tasks they need to accomplish in the future.

Always in a relationship

One of the most subtle signs that we are failing to love ourselves is a compulsive need for the love of others. Perhaps you’re always in a relationship, or always chasing a relationship. You can’t stand to be alone because you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror. You hate yourself, rather than love yourself, so you can’t tolerate being on your own with your thoughts and your emotions. Learning to love ourselves is the only way to overcome this.

Making others happy

Do you always work hard to make your loved ones comfortable? Do you put their needs before your own? Or prioritize their happiness before your own joy and sense of meaning? This isn’t a healthy way to live. It’s also proof that you don’t have as much love for yourself as for others. It’s not selfish to care for yourself equally alongside those you love. In fact, it’s the only way to ensure you’ll be there for them when they need you most.

The best techniques for cultivating lasting self-love and respect.

Are you ready to let go of your self-loathing to embrace a better way to live? Are you ready to prioritize yourself and make your needs just as important? It’s time for you to love yourself, but it’s a process that’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of compassion. You’re going to have to stay focused, drop the comparisons, and embrace who you are and who you want to be.

1. Drop the comparisons

Comparisons are one of the most toxic ways in which we tear ourselves down and build up walls between our self-realization and our self-love. When we compare ourselves to other people, we take their definitions of happiness and love, warping them against our own authentic needs and expectations of life. We can’t love ourselves when we’re trying endlessly to be someone who we aren’t. We have to figure out our own paths and embrace them.

Look inside and question the lack of love you hold for yourself. If you’re still walking around looking to fill the shoes of other people, then you haven’t learned to love yourself enough to focus on your own path. You don’t have to make others happy. You are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life.

Instead of comparing your body or job or your life to everyone else, stop and appreciate who you are in this moment. Look at everything you’ve managed to accomplish, and consider too all the person you’ve been able to gift with your love and your compassion. Rebuild your self-esteem and know that you’re enough right now as you are. You don’t need to copy someone else’s journey. You have a beautiful one just waiting for you to begin it.

2. Let yourself make mistakes

Many of us make excuses for our lack of self-love and deny ourselves this love through and over-focus on our mistakes. To the perfectionist, a mistake is an unacceptable and unmentionable pitfall that’s being avoided at all costs. The problem with this belief system, however, is that it sets us up for failure and disappointment. No one is perfect. All humans make mistakes because we’re constantly learning. Accept this truth and learn how to love yourself despite it.

Stop tearing yourself down every time you get things wrong or face a setback. It’s not possible to have all the information all the time. You’re going to make mistakes and make the wrong choices sometimes. This doesn’t make you less worthy of love, especially that transcendent love for self.

Think about the person you love most outside of yourself. When they get things wrong, do you punish them forever? When your pet makes a mistake, do you get rid of them in that instance? Do you bring out the divorce papers the first time your spouse fails to do the dishes? Make enough room in your heart for you to get things wrong and then love yourself despite it.

3. Embrace your fears

Fears are an interesting thing. Rooted primarily in our pasts, they are shadows of the painful experiences that were traumatic or hard for us to process emotionally and mentally. Our fears are a bit of a defense mechanism. They exist to remind us of potential dangers, but that reminder can drive us away from a true sense of connection and purpose. In order to love ourselves deeply, we have to resolve our fears — but in order to do that, we must first embrace them.

Turn your focus inward. Where does your lack of self-love come from? Are you afraid of realizing your full potential? Are you afraid that if you embrace who you are, you will lose something else in your life? All of these might be valid concerns, but they may also be risks that you have to realize in order to get your life on a path that is both fulfilling and rewarding.

Embrace these fears. Life is always changing. There will never be a moment when you are fully certain of every single thing that you’re juggling in the air. At some point, you’re going to have to take a leap. That includes loving yourself despite not having reached whatever definitions of “success” or “perfection” you might have. If you’re waiting for that moment, you’ll be waiting forever.

4. Figure out who you really are

One of the reasons that we struggle to love ourselves is that we often fail to fully realize who we are on an authentic level. It’s understandable. We live in a society in which there is a lot of pressure to look a certain way and act a certain way. We constantly try to fit ourselves into boxes that other people have made, and in that process lose sight of who we really are and what really want. Getting back to loving ourselves the right way requires that we become the person we were always meant to be.

Spend some time getting familiar with who you really are and what you really want from your life. Journaling is a great place to start and a great way to analyze what you have going on. Take a self-inventory. Are your behaviors aligning to your values and morals? Are you chasing relationships and careers that fulfill you, or someone else?

Embrace the person that lives within you. That weird inner child that likes to adventure and explore all that life has to offer. The beauty of the human condition is in its weirdness. When we allow ourselves to be who we are supposed to be, we become capable of fully realizing both our skills and our compassion. Want to find peace? Be yourself and love that person unashamedly.

5. Cut out the toxic parts

Are there negative sources in your life that constantly contribute to the idea that you’re unlovable or unworthy? Are you in an environment in which your victories aren’t celebrated, and your strengths aren’t appreciated? We can do all the positive internal work that we want, and it won’t solve the problem if we remain mired in the same negative environments. Sometimes, we have to replant ourselves in different gardens so that we can actually grow.

Stand up for yourself and stop allowing negativity to undermine your sense of self-love and purpose. Do your “friends” tear you down? Does your family dismiss the growth you manage and all the hard work you put into making yourself a better person?

Cut out the toxic parts of your life that get in-between you and the self-love that you need to realize so desperately. Limit the access that negative people have to you. Limit the information they get and therefor their ability to hurt you. Surround yourself with those things that bring positive feedback and outcome into your life. Surround yourself with experiences and people who encourage to love yourself and do more than you thought you could.

Putting it all together…

Out of all the love that we seek in this world, self-love is the most important kind of all. And though it’s so important, many of us fail to ever realize this love. Instead, we run toward unfulfilling relationships, and allow ourselves to settle for someone else’s dream of happiness. If we truly want to build lives that are authentically meaningful and rewarding, then we have to learn how to love ourselves as much as we love anyone else in this world.

Drop the comparisons and stop trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of who you are supposed to be. You are responsible for being the person you were meant to be, and you’re responsible for loving that person too. Don’t look for validation where you should be providing it yourself. Accept your humanity. Allow yourself to make mistakes and embrace your friends and the doubts and insecurities you experience. Only when we face these things openly and honestly can work through them and resolve them in love and compassion. Figure out who you really are and love that person from the deepest part of your heart. Then, cut out those toxic parts which would deny that love and eradicate them from your life once and for all.