SIGNS OF SATIRE

You Can’t Make Me Not Crash

A one-sided conversation

This country was founded on freedom and doing what you want. I don’t know why people can’t see that. I can’t go one day without someone forgetting the most important right — aside from the gun one — is to do what you want.

The day I give up that right is the day I die — which will probably be sooner than later.

I had just parked at the local strip mall. I was headed to Uncle Mort’s Guns and Fun — the one with the daycare — to pick up a new bump stock for my rifle. Apparently, you’re not supposed to use your gun butt to drive nails. I have to remember to complain to the manufacturer.

As I was getting out of my car, I heard, ‘You can’t park there — I’m telling! — You could’ve killed somebody — oh my god! You kill babies!’ or something like that.

I looked up the embankment and saw someone who was trying to hold me accountable for something which apparently offended her.

My parking spot was angled down a ditch at the edge of the parking lot. There are no signs saying ‘NO PARKING IN THE DITCH.’

She asked me, “What the hell were you thinking?”

She must have been the driver I cut off. I needed to turn, so I turned. She should have seen I was turning. She didn’t even hit me. I don’t know what she’s bitching about.

“You need to watch how you’re driving!” She continued. “You know, you’re not the only one using the road? You could kill someone driving like that.”

I was flummoxed at her hostility. I asked her what was wrong with my driving. I politely told her that people who want to drive safely can. I’m not stopping them like they are trying to stop me from driving the way I want.

I asked her how she knew that driving ‘safely’ saves lives. Even people who drive safely get into accidents. Some of those people even die.

I climbed to the top of the embankment and unleashed my hour’s worth of research.

The statistics are fabricated. I remind her of the one time it had been reported that a lady in Florida died from a car accident when she really died in a tragic altercation with a trash can. I also read a study that said people also die from walking. Happens all the time, but you don’t see people making laws against walking.

I told her lawmakers and safe drivers say traffic laws are in place to keep us safe. But there’s no way they can guarantee my safety. Laws are just the government’s way of standing in the way of my right to drive any way I want.

I said to her, “They can’t even enforce the traffic laws properly. I mean, you could give fines — wait you already do that. You could set speed traps — oh, you do that too. You can increase police presence — hm. How’s that working out?”

Aside from following rules like good little sheep, safe drivers don’t understand how much time they would save if they just sped to work.

I think she was shocked that I might actually know what I’m talking about — and I hadn’t even told her that I got all my facts from Wikipedia. She just stood there.

For good measure, I added — MY BODY — MY CHOICE — WE DON’T CAUSE ACCIDENTS — YOU DO.

Why can’t they just leave those who are exercising their rights alone?

Exasperated at her lack of response, I reminded her there are always going to be casualties. When you die, you die.

Attacking me is not doing any good. But it’s okay. The more she complains, the more right I am — it’s simple logic.

We’re not denying car accidents exist — we just shouldn’t be forced to prevent them.

“Hey mister,” asked a kid wearing an ‘okay boomer’ tee shirt, staring at his smartphone. “Why are you talking to that sign?”

I turned back to the sign and flipped it off. Not even traffic signs can withstand hours of research.

I stumbled back down the hill and rolled into traffic.

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