You Are Who You Mix With
The 5 people who make us, according to Jim Rohn
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” — Jim Rohn
This statement by motivational speaker Jim Rohn is based on the philosophy of the law of averages. Meaning that the more often you do something, the more data can confirm emerging trends. As Rohn puts it, “if you do something often enough, a ratio will appear.”
The same can be said for noticing trends in our own behaviour when we spend time with others.
And as Darren Hardy writes in The Compound Effect:
“According to research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard, [the people you habitually associate with] determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.”
Idols and lovers. Teachers and students. Friends and enemies. We all choose to label people with individual identities based on how we place them in our lives. It makes it easier to choose those we’d like to form relationships.
It goes without saying, the more qualities we admire in a person or see similarities to our own, the more attraction builds, and the more likely we’d want to form strong connections with them.
A 2014 study found that your decision-making is likely to be influenced by the people you surround yourself with. We each have an obligation to make sure we are forming connections with people who influence us positively and are in alignment with the people we aspire to be.
Life is too short to spend our time with people who may lead us further from the paths we want to walk down, and whose presence could subconsciously be harming our mental health. Studies have even suggested the influence of social relationships should be taken as seriously as other risk factors of human mortality.
Jim Rohn also has some choice words to say on the matter:
“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.”
As an experiment, I decided to apply Jim Rohn’s concept to my own life, as it currently stands. But rather than singling out individuals, I have chosen to analyse the five groups that I spend most of my time with.
1. My Anchor
Otherwise known as my partner, Austin. We found each other at a time when I had started to believe I was destined to struggle alone for the time being. But I took a chance and found in him someone who — amongst other alluring personal qualities — has a deep understanding of how my mind operates, innate care and consideration of others, and a calming presence.
I even referred to him to a friend as my calming cup of camomile tea. He helps ground me and calm me when I experience times of frustration and panic. I can drink in his presence rather than the actual beverage—I’m primarily a coffee drinker.
2. My Kindred Spirit
My best friend of 4 years, and my core reason for deciding to move during the pandemic to a town that would otherwise have been alien to me. Knowing that I was going to live a few streets away from her formed a good enough argument for me to move there. To me, the people make the place.
My relationship with her is probably the most healthy friendship I have had the privilege of growing from seed, despite still knowing people from my college years. We enjoy opening up and talking candidly about a number of personal topics that (we’d both assume) the majority of others we know wouldn’t feel comfortable discussing. Her loyalty to her friends, overall acceptance of me and open-mindedness toward others — even in the face of an unstable world — make her someone I can always trust and see myself getting along with.
3. My Family Unit
I’m fortunate enough to have cultivated a healthy immediate family unit. My mother, father, brother and I have all experienced turbulence in our lives, which has allowed us to grow stronger together. We have now come out the other side knowing just what we want from our relationships — ones that offer moral support and unconditional love.
We always look for the positives in each other to build ourselves up, and even when not seeing eye to eye in beliefs, are accepting of our individual differences. Life isn’t always plain sailing but when you know how your crew operates, it makes it easier to weather the storm.
4. My Mentors
These come in the form of the strong female colleagues I have begun seeing in person since the lockdown has eased across the UK. Not only do they lead by example of work ethic, but they also represent the importance of being part of a community when life goes awry.
Not only do they share in my artistic interests and creative pursuits but they inspire me to believe in my own abilities. I’ve found this to be a guiding light through the mist during times of getting hardly any work and cripplingly low self-esteem as a result.
5. My Support Network
The pandemic has awoken me to my introversion, and I am only now gradually opening myself up to certain people in my local community.
There have been certain neighbours who have offered their help to me when I have been at my lowest; unable to leave my house, in an utter state of depression and grief. They offered moral support when I had no self-belief. They brought me care packages without being asked. They checked in every now and again to see if conditions had improved.
I honestly thought that people like this only existed in feature films or Christmas commercials. I hope that once my mental health has improved I can return the favours to them and become a more upstanding member of our little community.
So, by the looks of things I am fortunate enough to be in a life-affirming position when it comes to those I’m choosing to spend my life with.
I hope this has shed some light on similar trends between yourself and those you currently choose to spend the majority of your time with. And hopefully makes you begin to question whether or not they are the type of people you’d want to become yourself.
Hanging out with negative people and still expecting to have a positive life is a challenge no one should need to undertake.
Sometimes this choice isn’t as attainable for some people who are forced to associate with family members they might not see eye to eye with, or might even put them through trying times on a daily basis. This warrants further discussion but for the time being, it’s important to remember that there are parts of your life you can control beyond your household. And these are the decisions that are going to define you as a person.
In the witty words of Jim Rohn:
“If you don’t like how things are, change it! You’re not a tree.”
Final thoughts
Each person has their own reasoning for gravitating to certain people. The more aware we are of why we do so, the more control we are hopefully able to have over who we choose to spend our precious moments with. And possibly lead us to filter out those who aren’t serving us, enriching us or even causing us harm in the long run.
Hopefully, this has allowed you to start raising these sorts of questions with yourself and will help you to determine who you would rather invest your time in to guide you toward the person you wish to become.
So, I ask you, dear reader… who are you?
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