You Are Unique and That is all That Matters
How to stop comparing yourself to others
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.” — Steve Furtick
Day 26/100: Gratitude today for how freeing it is to to put the blinkers on and keep my eyes focused forward.
Growing up I compared myself to others constantly. I believed my outward appearance wasn’t attractive enough because my skin was too dark, my features too Asian, my physique too boyish. And then there was the curse of having dark Indian hair — but not just on my head. In short, I wanted to look like the white girls around me. They epitomised pretty to me. Magazines confirmed that. What I really wanted was to blend in in a good way, not stand out — in a bad way.
As I grew up, the comparisonitis became greater. I was so used to comparing myself with others that it crossed over with ease into other areas of my life. Grades, qualifications, work experience, contacts, career progression, success, and personal life choices. I was constantly assessing my situation by holding it up against other people’s. Always judging myself to have underperformed and lost out.
It was easy to feel like I had continually failed because I was looking at my reality through one set of lenses that defined life success in specific ways. From what is considered acceptably beautiful to how to achieve it. And sometimes that felt out of reach, being that women of colour were rarely featured in that category. It also defined education and career pathways that again, I felt I was on the outside of. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I went to University, for example. These lenses had me later believing that my friends who bought homes and settled down to have children were succeeding, and I, who was not doing those things was failing.
Until at one point in my life, I gradually grew to understand something very powerful in my life. It was following some breakthrough coaching sessions where I felt I brought more of my perspective to the table, shaped by my life experience. And that was that I am unique. And so was everyone else. While I had spent my earlier life wanting to be the same as others, I subsequently experienced a change within. I noticed in myself certain characteristics, traits, and ways of thinking that I quite liked, that were not necessarily present in others. These were strengths, I came to realise. They were special to me and I finally understood that they made me special too. This mind-shift led me to appreciate so much about me that I had rejected. Of course, it’s an ongoing relearning. And like many people, I have to sometimes bring myself back to a healthier balance of self judgement, one where I accept my differences to others.
The most helpful mindset technique I have used to prevent the comparing, especially professionally, is to see myself driving on a highway, focused on staying in my lane and not swerving towards each and every other car that catches my eye as they pass by. I see myself staying resolutely and safely driving in my lane, focused on my destination that I have chosen in good faith. And giving myself all the love and gratitude for making that choice for myself, therein serving my unique self faithfully. When you look at your life in this way, you begin to view this earth experience as something far bigger than yourself and the body you inhabit. If you exchange the comparing with curiosity, you elevate your perspective and connect with purpose. Something that takes you far away from all the limitations that living solely in your body renders.
You begin to understand that, actually, all the externalised constructs on how we must “do” life, that leave us self doubting if we feel on the outside of them, are just illusory. They don’t really apply in the grander scheme. They keep us hidden from our higher selves, from whom, spiritually speaking, we each share far greater similarities than we may have ever realised.
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For more empowering reading on how to break free of comparing and start self validating, take a look at this article I wrote earlier: