Matthew Maniaci

Summary

The article emphasizes that individuals who have been abused are not obligated to forgive their abusers, and that self-compassion may involve choosing not to forgive.

Abstract

The author of the article, who has previously written on the topic, reiterates the message that abuse survivors are under no moral or emotional obligation to forgive their abusers. This stance is taken regardless of the abuser's circumstances, such as terminal illness, religious conversion, or attempts at reconciliation. The article argues that forgiveness is not a necessary component of healing and that it is acceptable to harbor negative feelings towards one's abuser, including hatred. The author stresses that the decision to forgive should be personal and that choosing not to forgive can be an act of self-care and healing. The article also provides links

You Are Not Obligated to Forgive Your Abuser

Just a gentle reminder.

Photo by Žygimantas Dukauskas on Unsplash

I’ve written an article to this effect before, but a meme came up in my Facebook feed that reminded me of this, so I wanted to do another one to remind anyone who hasn’t read it.

Many people in my life have experienced abuse at the hands of people close to them, and even people not close to them. Abuse, in all its many types, is horrible, and the experience can stay with you forever.

There is a mindset that says that one should forgive those who wronged you as a means of letting go. Be the bigger person, the saying goes. Don’t hold onto it like a hot coal, burning yourself with negative feelings towards your abuser. Forgive them that you may feel better.

Fuck that.

You are under no obligation to forgive your abuser. Not if they’re dying a painful death; not if they found god, not if they beg you, harass you, or otherwise try to coerce you; not if they just want to talk to you again, or get to know your kids, or if they want to be a part of your life again. Even if they apologize for everything they ever did to hurt you, you are under no obligation to accept that apology.

The fact of the matter is, they hurt and abused you, and you do not have to forgive them for their actions towards you. You owe your abuser nothing. Period, end of statement.

It is not an act of aggression to close the door and never look back. Rather, it is an act of self-compassion, an act of healing, to never want to see or talk to them again. Whether you choose to work through your feelings or just bury them, forgiveness does not have to be part of the process.

It’s okay to never forgive your abuser. It’s okay to hate them. It’s okay to experience a range of emotions towards them. I can’t and won’t tell you how to feel towards them. I’m just here to tell you that it’s okay to not forgive them.

I know that I’m just an internet stranger, but sometimes I’ve found that when someone unrelated to you tells you something, you are more likely to accept it because that person has no connection to your situation. If this applies to you, I hope you can find some good in this.

If you want to read more about stuff related to this, here are a few articles for you to peruse: