Living Your Inspiration

You Always Have a Way Out

When you’ve existed in the caved shadows for so long, it’s hard to see the light coming in and calling you out.

I became skilled in hiding my struggles and demons from those outside my immediate family. My family suffered the effects of my mental anguish, and the depths of it I couldn’t explain in words at the time for fear they would all want to walk away. The darkness I thought about myself clouded all my thinking and experiences. Vile things I would say to myself, I wouldn’t even speak to my worst, most evil enemy in this world because for someone else, I would give them forgiveness and a second chance. I never believed I deserved that. I couldn’t see it in the darkness.

I pushed away help till I was too tired to exist that way anymore. I wanted to leave at times but only to save them from whom I had become. I believe most of my hiding, shame, and anger was from my Eating Disorder, turning my personality and soul into someone I didn’t recognize.

I realize now through recovery that my family would have been devastated if I was gone for good. I have made plenty of mistakes as a mother, wife, and friend. By taking away their choice, if I had left, they would grow up with a void in their lives. A mother is a role you depend on and want the freedom to reach out when you choose for life’s positive and negative experiences. I wanted to be there in the future. I wanted to be a different person and the best version of me in healing.

Where is the light at the end of your tunnel? How do you find your way out?

In the depths

I often have to look back at photo albums or reread my journals to remember events or milestones in my life. With most of my focus on self-loathing, it gave little left for deep, fulfilling moments elsewhere in my life.

I wanted the pain, to punish myself. I couldn’t get off the cycle of wanting out and being a better person, and then I would attempt perfection at everything, which left failure a wide-open door into my life. I reverted to not being good enough for anything or anyone, so I used restrictions from food and joy to teach myself a lesson.

There were many years I felt invisible, even surrounded by people. I didn’t know how to be heard, so I would yell and be angry that my words weren’t important to them. I didn’t realize I was still searching for my voice, how to amplify it, ask for help, and speak on others’ behalf when they were unable.

In the light

Right before my youngest son was born in 2007, I was so fearful that I would put so much pressure on myself to be a perfect Mom for him and our family. I wanted to show my other kids and a new baby gentle love and not the anxiety-ridden persona that screamed so much. I prayed to God to take away every chance for me to yell at my kids. The C-section was smooth and less stressful than my other pregnancies or births. The morning after we returned home, I woke up with a sore, dry throat, and I could hardly speak. Even a whisper was too much to try most of the time. I had laryngitis for over two weeks. Praise God!

That was the miracle I was praying for, and God answered precisely how we all needed it. It wasn’t painful. It was restful for everyone in the house. God showed me the light. I don’t always know where to look when I ask, but it’s always there.

The way out

I could feel the sadness revisit me the other day when I had a bad headache and was trying not to be irritable. It just took so much energy to answer questions with a smile or complete a chore the second it was expected not to be left unfinished. Through the beginning of the recovery, I had this shadowed alter ego that would nag at me when I was upset, disagreed with my family, or even remotely increased the volume in my voice. It would lie and tell me that if I weren’t perfect in this recovery, my family would think I can’t ever change, and I’m just the same person they didn’t enjoy being around.

Here’s the truth. Listen well. You don’t need to be some perfect robot version of yourself. You are whole. You can still be sad and cry. You can disagree, listen to others’ views, and make a case for your own. You can speak with strength and passion, with intent and purpose to lift your relationships, not tear them down. You can identify and rename all your feelings as they happen because you are living your only life here on Earth. Your Eternal Life will come when God calls you home. You don’t need permission to love loud, sob deeply, or take your space.

When you actively BE a person in healing, transition, or recovery, rise to your beautifully flawed self. You are internally growing as everyone should be every day. When you triumph over your struggle, make peace with its existence, or pack up and move on, know that you are no longer that person. You don’t need to be stuck or wonder if others will expect the worst from you. Your past stays there. You will never BE who you were on that day again. All the days after have been waiting for you to live fully. When you don’t know what that means, find out? Explore, ask questions of yourself and others. Take a giant leap into the unknown and stick the landing.

Final thoughts

I am not the same person as I was before my Eating Disorder began as an eleven-year-old. Along the way, I got hints and bursts of inspiration when an experience gave breath to my being. I had rolling bouts of laughter with friends or family tickling my most profound joys. I found the quiet where I immersed myself in something so moving that every other thought or worry melted away with knowledge intact. I get to be any person I want to be today. I do have those same passions and no longer ignore them. I am writing, and that is just the first step in how I want to connect with others going through mental health issues or any life struggle.

I can still have a so-called bad day, but for me, it’s just a day. It’s ok if I don’t whistle a tune and smile while unloading the dishwasher. It’s ok if I need a personal day to write, listen to music, chat with a friend, or go for a walk. That isn’t selfish. I am caring for the one and only person who will live MY life to the fullest. That is the person who cares for you, loves you, fights for you, and will climb the highest mountain peaks on your behalf. However, I may need a little rest sometimes.

Please enjoy one of my poems.

If you would like to support me in contributing to this wonderful writing community and other passion projects, you can buy me a coffee at www.buymeacoffee.com/NSponsel, so I have more stamina to fuel my better writing ahead.