Yes, You're Married, But Are You Living The Man and Wife Life?
If only the future were as clear as a crystal ball.
Would you have taken those vows knowing what you know now?
I wasn't the beautiful bride dressed in white. There were no flowers, pictures, family, friends, or celebratory events.
But my commitments were sincere — In sickness and in health. Till death do us part.
I vowed to honor all of them.
I eloped at 17; No, I wasn't pregnant.
The new handsome clergyman in town and I had gotten too close for the comfort of the assuming eyes of churchgoers.
Soon the gossiping started.
I had a brilliant idea.
Let's get married to stop them talking.
Who knew an adult 12 years older would agree to the idea of an irrational teenager?
So there we were a week later, standing in the living room of the officiating minister. Next to us, his housekeeper and the gardener — the two lawful witnesses.
I was officially married.
So I thought.
Wait, Not so fast.
Two months later, the marriage registry returned the documents; the bride needed her father's consent.
It was then I realized I was a child who misconstrued the meaning of love and the sacredness of marital vows.
I had no business marrying.
Yet, I hung in there for seven years. I was the preacher's wife. I had to be an example to the flock.
Then the day came when I could no longer pretend, so I sought marital counseling, leading to the end of a marriage that no longer made sense.
The memories are far-fetched thirty-six years later; all but a trigger resurrects them — My only son from the union if nothing else.
But for my long-time friends Catherine and Calvin. It was different.
Their marriage was a planned grand event. They were promising young adults in love and had the support and blessings of both their parents.
I was honored to be the maid of honor at their wedding 27 yrs ago.
It was a joyous occasion.
We all see a bright future when we get married.
They soon became the perfect pair every young couple wanted to emulate. Even I secretly envied their union.
So I was in disbelief and disappointed when Catherine called me a few days ago and sought my friendly advice on her marriage that has stopped working.
So we met and discussed it over lunch.
Being married is beautiful until you start living the man and wife lie.
Sadly, none of the marriages I have attended recently have stood the test of time. The couples have either divorced, separated, or are unhappy.
Like me, I'm sure in the beginning, they all meant their I-dos too.
As time passed, we wore our wedding bands. Live under the same roof but sleep in separate rooms. We share the same bed but are disconnected.
To onlookers, we portray the happy couple living the perfect married life.
We never truly understand what goes wrong when love leaves a marriage.
Life happens — circumstances change, couples grow apart, and the people we once loved no longer love us back. Some become our enemies.
Our partner finds new interests; we follow suit. But then, life gets ugly and complicated.
The writing is on the wall, but still, we hold on.
It isn't easy to end a relationship you've invested in for much of your life — raising children, building a family, buying a home, and enduring endless struggles to achieve all you've got. But, unfortunately, these are times you'll never get back. So you resort to living a miserable life.
But if there is one thing you can get back, it's your happiness.
Don't stay for the sake of the children or hold on to material things. Don't stay to please onlookers because you don't want to be that loser.
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I can teach you a thing or two from my personal experience.
When your marriage no longer works and isn't worth saving, could you please end it?
Ending my marriage when I did was the best thing.
Children become adults and go on their own.
My son did.
What would life be like if I had stayed in my marriage for him?
My husband wasn't wealthy. So there was no asset to be distributed. The one thing I claimed in my divorce settlement was my son. But if you're holding on to material things, you'll soon realize you don't need that big house anyway.
Happiness only comes when you're contented within.
The gossipers will soon stop their nine-day talking and focus on their own business. So should you.
Don’t sacrifice your happiness for anyone but yourself.
A few years ago, I sat talking with an older woman. She had been married for 65 years.
Wow !!. I was impressed.
So I asked her what the secret of the longevity of her marriage was.
She replied. "I didn't have any place else to go." the happiness was long gone, but I held on.
She died at 85.
As I sat in the church at her funeral, I couldn't help but feel sorry she never truly lived and enjoyed real happiness.
Don't be this woman; you are fooling yourself and not anyone else.
You owe it to yourself to be happy.
Don't we all wish we could make all our past wrongs right? How about coming to terms with them like Sahil Patel in writing a letter to our younger self?
If you missed this piece by Yana Bostongirl, Here is a second chance at reading it. It's about the courage to move from a narcissistic marital relationship to a life of happiness.