Yes, We Are All Perfectionists

But not all perfectionists are the same.

“I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it’s just terrified. Because underneath that shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more that a deep existential angst the says, again and again, ‘I am not good enough and I will never be good enough.’” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

One of the telltale signs of being a perfectionist is their extremely high expectations or standards of themselves and perhaps of others, too.

However, not all perfectionists are the same. Broadly, there are three types of perfectionism: self-oriented, other-oriented and socially prescribed.

• Self-oriented perfectionists adhere to strict standards set by themselves to attain perfection. They avoid mistakes and failures at all costs while evaluating themselves critically.
• Other-oriented perfectionists set impossible standards for others, usually those closest to them — their partners, children or co-workers — and evaluate them critically.
• Finally, socially prescribed perfectionists are pressured by unrealistic standards imposed by others and often feel like they can’t live up to them and that, yes, others evaluate them critically.

Same Same, but Different

According to research, not all three types of perfectionism are maladaptive. In other words, not all types are “bad”. Of the three types, socially-prescribed is found to be most detrimental, or maladaptive.

It has been shown to connect to a host of issues: procrastination, lower self-esteem, loss of self-control, anxiety, shame, depression and suicides. They don’t enjoy their efforts and tend to see their work as inadequate. So, they are not driven by an internal desire to be their best, but by a fear of failure or a desire to avoid embarrassment, shame and guilt.

In contrast, self-oriented perfectionism is the least maladaptive type. They derive a sense of genuine pleasure from their efforts. This in turn enhances their self-esteem and motivation to achieve and eventually helps them to develop a sense of control over their environment.

Agreeing to Disagree

Well, at least this is what the research says. I don’t quite agree. Personally, I think we are all perfectionists, especially when it comes to areas of our lives that really matter to us. It means we care (sometimes too much) and want to get things right, or yes, perfect.

So, while it is useful to distinguish between the different types of perfectionism so we can manage each differently, all forms of perfectionism can be “bad” if taken to the extremes.

In other words, I believe it matters more the degree rather than the type of our perfectionism. If our perfectionism is severe and chronic, and becomes a compulsion or addiction — as it did with me — then it doesn’t matter if we are a self-oriented perfectionist. It won’t save our ass.

For example, as a self-oriented perfectionist myself, I did not derive a sense of genuine pleasure from my efforts. Well, maybe for three seconds. Then I was off to the next thing. And the next. I never stopped long enough to appreciate, let along celebrate, my achievements. I felt the compulsion to keep climbing the proverbial mountain. It was definitely an addiction — I was addicted, rather than motivated, to achieve. So, my joyless efforts didn’t enhance my self-esteem, nor did they help me develop a sense of control over my environment. In fact, I felt so out of control most of the time that I planned meticulously and over-prepared for everything. I felt it was up to me alone to do it all. I couldn’t delegate or ask for help because I didn’t trust anyone else to do things “properly”.

It was exhausting, to say the least.

What’s Your Flavour?

If you’ve been wondering whether you’re a perfectionist or not, here are a few questions to get you started:

1. Of the three types of perfectionism, which do you resonate most with?

2. Regardless of the type of perfectionist you might be, on a scale from 1 to 10 (one being very mild and 10 being very severe), how would you rate your degree of perfectionism? There’s no right or wrong answer here.

3. Do you think your perfectionism only shows up from time to time and in very specific situations, or is it ongoing and all over the place?

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Annie is an ICF-certified life coach and the author of Brave Again.