Are You a Closet Perfectionist?
Perfectionism is a lot more common than you think.
“Perfectionism is a dangerous state of mind in an imperfect world.” — Robert Hillyer
What is Perfectionism?
Do you often get disappointed or frustrated? Do you feel things never go your way and people don’t behave the way they should?
If you say yes to any of these questions, chances are you might be a perfectionist. One of the telltale signs of being a perfectionist is their extremely high expectations or standards of themselves and perhaps of others, too.
In fact, a simple definition of perfectionism is the “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.”
Now, it’s normal to have expectations. After all, expectations are just our projections of what might happen in the future and they play a key role in how we perceive ourselves, others and the external world. They are neither good or bad per se, but problems start to show up when:
- Our expectations are inflated or totally unrealistic, and/or
2. We are not aware of them! In other words, our expectations may be covert rather than overt.
Signs of Perfectionism
It’s hard to meet an expectation if we don’t even know what it is, and we may end up getting tripped up over and over again by our unrealistic expectations and perfectionism without knowing why we get so disappointed or frustrated all the time.
As a general guide, overt perfectionism usually involves behaviours that are considered perfectionistic, while covert perfectionism happens more at the level of thoughts and beliefs. Here is a list of common signs of overt perfectionism:
- Wanting to do things “properly” or correctly all the time
- Obsessed about making the ‘right’ decision, endlessly thinking everything all the way through but not taking action
- Avoiding making mistakes at all costs and beating yourself up when you do
- Having unrealistic expectations of yourself
- Having unrealistic expectations of what you could do in a given time
- Never starting (if it can’t be perfect, why bother?) or never finishing (because you can’t stop tinkering with it) a task/project/book, etc
- Micromanaging yourself or others and controlling every detail
- Trying to do everything yourself and finding it hard to delegate (because you don’t trust anyone else to do things “properly”, or you think others are slackers and therefore can’t be relied upon)
- Never asking for help even when you are struggling
- Needing approval and validation from others, and conversely avoiding rejection and criticism
- Procrastinating until you are “ready” and end up waiting a long time and never pulling the trigger
- Feeling that if you couldn’t succeed — or couldn’t succeed easily/on the first try — you shouldn’t try at all
- Feeling frustrated and exasperated at the large distance between your dreams and reality
Closet Perfectionists
Some signs of perfectionism are more subtle and difficult to identify, so here’s a second list of more covert signs if you suspect that you might be a ‘closet’ perfectionist:
- Always wanting to be organised and consistent
- Over-preparing for everything, because God forbid you should get caught out
- Always having a plan B (or C or D) just in case things go wrong
- Always wanting to know the answer and finding it hard to sit in uncertainty or the unknown (hello, COVID-19?)
- Striving to be reliable and responsible, while finding it hard to rely on others
- Finding it hard to let go of half-finished tasks/projects and needing to close the loop all the time
- Wanting to look good and avoid looking stupid, so hiding your flaws and only show your good side
- Playing it safe and doing the things that you believe will ensure a perfect outcome
- Staying away from situations where you might be vulnerable and believing that asking for help is a sign of vulnerability
- Believing that success is about getting everything “right” (rather than how you handle getting things wrong)
- Trying to fly ‘under the radar’ or be invisible in general
Shining a Light
I hope these two lists have opened your eyes in the myriad ways that perfectionism can show up in our lives. It’s a sneaky bastard!
However, it doesn’t matter how many items you’ve ticked off in both lists, I’m not here to convince you that you are a perfectionist, or even that being a perfectionist is bad and you should stop being one. Yes, STOP IT. (if only it were so simple…).
Instead, I just want to bring some awareness that perfectionism is a lot common than you think.
And, as they say, awareness is the first step to change.
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Annie is an ICF-certified life coach and the author of Brave Again.