Xmas Anti-Poems
Poo-Pooing The Holiday Spirit
While traditionally poets and songwriters have tended to glorify the holiday season, Obsidian Eagle (ever the Anti-Poet) has taken every opportunity to compensate for those tendencies by casting some tongue-in-cheek aspersions. Today Yours Truly presents yet another antipoetic triad aimed at balancing the scales between joyousness and humbuggery. Of course none of this is meant to be taken too seriously, so before going any further, please permit me to wish a very Merry Christmas — to both you and your kin!
1/3: Gruß Vom Krampus!
Across much of Europe (most notably Bavaria, Germany), December 5th is known as Krampusnacht. This is when men dress up as the half-goat demon called Krampus, and terrify children during a public festival. It’s a tradition that has recently been imported to the U.S.A. and is practiced in various places throughout the nation. Anyway, this first piece borrows its rhyme scheme and melody from the classic Jolly Old Saint Nicholas:
Gruß Vom Krampus!
Jolly old Saint Nicholas? An outdated yuletide hymn!
With more naughty brats than e’er This season’s ripe for him…
Christ-Mass eve approaches; Come now feared old goat,
Quit flipping those channels (Give up that darn remote).
It’s all commercials anyhow After the clock strikes twelve:
Advertising crap to wrap Like woeful workshop elves.
So stuff these stockings full of coal; Bad boys and girls beware —
He’ll spank you with birch branches Or box your ears mid-air!
Johnny wants an iPod touch, Susy’s dreaming of VR.
Nellie thinks a ‘Selfie Mic’ Will make her a big star.
As for us with half a brain We still need to smarten…
Send out our reminder Via vintage Krampuskarten!
2/3: It’s Festivus For The Rest of Us
Any tenured fan of Seinfeld will be familiar with this reference, which originates in 1997’s season nine, episode ten (The Strike). Festivus remains quite popular and is officially celebrated on December 23rd as an alternative to the popular commercialism that many have come to deplore. Each line comprising this set of blank verses refers to the aforesaid episode.
It’s Festivus For The Rest of Us
Strip down that tinsel tree to its bare aluminum pole.
Behold, it has a very high strength-to-weight ratio.
Let the Airing of Grievances commence around the table.
Got a lot of problems with you people, and you’re gonna hear about it!
Savor some meatloaf served on a bed of lettuce during dinner.
Feats of Strength are next; pin the patriarch or we continue.
Festivus YES — Bagels NO — Hey! No bagel, no bagel, no bagel…
Don’t be two-faced about the whole thing. Stand under good lighting.
If you buy nothing this season, it’ll be a Festivus miracle!
All proceeds this year will go to the Human Fund: Money For People.
3/3: Bah, Humbug!
Most of us are familiar with this expression, which hails from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol — wherein Ebenezer Scrooge uses it more or less as a catchphrase. However, probably a lot fewer people are aware that humbug itself is more than just a codger’s old word. Consider its numerous meanings:
Something intended to delude or deceive.
The quality of falseness or deception.
A person who is not what he or she claims or pretends to be; an impostor.
Something devoid of sense or meaning; nonsense: a humbug of technical jargon.
With those in mind, we present our cynical third installment:
Bah, Humbug!
- I -
You see, Santa’s just another version of the man in the sky;
A magical equation on which they bank for us to buy.
Despite crisis and recession — let childhood desires fly!
Long-standing tradition isn’t something we question, why?
- II -
Because the unthinking parents offering their offspring to that secular idol at the mall aren’t really doing it for the youngsters (who’d be better off given proper guidance) BUT to satisfy their own inner children.
They repeat a cycle of indoctrination into capitalist customs by preparing another generation of consumers to acquire dwindling resources (which are rapidly running out — even as we speak).
- III -
Keep going, it’s fine
This world has always been thus:
Overbrimming with stupidity,
Without shortage of cupidity.
Keep towing party line…
Present is blessed as future cussed.
The dead are unaccountable
For their Humbug, insurmountable!
Further Readings:
