What I Learned from Writing What I Know

Personal essay don’t work but here’s what does

Every comic book tale begins with a problem — a seemingly impossible-to-solve problem. But somehow the hero and his or her sidekick squeak by and live, and then spend the rest of the story overcoming extreme adversity.

You root for them, even if they aren’t perfect, and especially if they are outcasts or underdogs.

It’s not a bad model for any narrative. Since the key to success on Medium remains buried in the bottom of a mineshaft in the Nevada desert, I’m going to start using the comic-book formula.

I’ve been following a different path, a spur trail overgrown and shadowy, full of slithering creatures, lit by a moody winter moon. It’s a lonely path too, without many claps. It’s the path of “this happened to me.”

Maybe it’s the path of one hand clapping? The problem is, most of what’s happened to me is not dramatic, I’m not a celebrity, and I can’t say I’m a legit humorist or comic because I haven’t done stand-up.

The Problem-Solution

In the Medium mirror, I see myself just as I wish. I’m not beautiful or even young — but I do look quite familiar. It’s not youth or good looks I’m after, it's something safe and reassuring.

That is why personal essays have a repetitive quality, no matter how clever or witty they sound. It’s a broken record of greatest hits, but it’s time to branch out and put on some smoky jazz.

Solving problems, even imaginary ones, is more tiring than spewing personal anecdotes.

I’m reminded of the wise words of The Dude, Jeff Lebowski:

“Looks exhausting.”

He was, of course, peering over his sunglasses at the nihilist in the swimming pool. Exactly, Dude.

The Attractor-Satisfier

All stories must attract the reader. Take, for example, The Lord of the Flies. Don’t freak out, we aren’t in ninth-grade English class anymore. You are much smarter now and not distracted by hormones wafting through the air.

Why is this story of English schoolboys immediately interesting? No — not because it’s about kids or even a plane crash. It’s attractive because they are stuck on a desert island! There you have a problem, and how will this group of boys solve it? Who will emerge as a leader? Will they be saved from their predicament?

Lord of the Flies (LOTF) is far from pulp fiction. It delves into symbolism and covers the darkest subjects and furthermore, they are making fun of the kid with glasses from the get-go! It stays readable, after all these years, because the reader is engaged from the beginning.

We might feel for Piggy but that minor detail early on signals this book won’t pull its punches.

The What-If Scenario

Stephen King loves writing (and reading) what-if novels. What if a pop author gets stuck with his #1 deranged fan? What if a car had a personality? What if an actual vampire moved to a small town?

It doesn’t have to be sci-fi or horror.

What if a kid runs away and refuses to go back to his mother? What if a crusty old man in a creepy house decided to clean up his act?

Nietzsche, too, knew how to ask a question:

Supposing truth were a woman, what then?

What if a writer vows to never, ever again write about how she found an incredible bargain at the thrift store, but a lady wearing a pink, polka-dotted jacket and brandishing a cane got to it first?

I shall never again write a personal essay until I have perfected the Problem-Solution. This will require reading a lot more fiction, and not the hard kind like LOTF but popular YA novels.

Open Letters are okay, though, because venting is a basic human right.

Complaints — Who Cares?

Unless I’m complaining at a Jessica-Wildfire level, no one cares. Hence the saying:

“I’d complain, but who’d listen?”

Speaking of complaints, my current list begins with the neighbors who never turn off their garage lights…Oh damn, that’s not where I wanted to go with this.

It’s every American’s right to complain about the government and that’s why we love Umair and other doom writers. They have perfected the art of articulating how unjust our society is, how it is getting worse, and why it’s not our fault.

I believe it is also okay to complain in a limerick or sonnet, and I have done regarding bad weather, in which I composed my greatest rhyme, matching “got to” and “Nosferatu” as beautifully as a cucumber sandwich with a cup of Earl Grey tea.

The Formula

There is a formula to writing. I learned this from Scotty on The Bananas podcast. When I first began listening to Bananas, before I became a bananimal (the official name for true Bananas fans), I didn’t know.

Scotty writes movies, and he knows.

I need to stop overthinking it and play the game by the rules.

I wouldn’t make up rules for Scrabble or Monopoly, now would I?

The Medium formula has never been revealed, however. These doom scribers should write a book on how to lay out an argument. You want to buy what their selling, and you want to pay whatever price they ask. The charm of comforting others by speaking the truth never wears thin, even if the truth is miserable and depressing.

The formula for narrative is the hero's journey, which gets dark but doesn’t stay that way.

There is a problem, usually caused by the gods or bad luck or a weird event. Say, for example, you walk to your mailbox and the local teenage hoodlum is riding by on his bike. As usual, he gives you the stink and as usual, you want to throw a shoe at him.

But something falls out of his pocket. It’s a key.

The journey begins. You are transported from your mailbox to a strange land of twists and turns, just like that kid who crawled into the Wardrobe did when she found Narnia.

Since beginning her freelance writing journey in March 2019, Jean Campbell has learned oodles about humor — leading to over 7K Medium followers and hundreds of articles.

If you are not a Medium member, you can sign up by clicking the link below. For just $5 a month you’ll find a lot of laughs. To get Jean’s Medium stories in your inbox, click here.

She’s also started this Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, Untold Omaha: A Street Hustler’s Redemption Story published. But wait, there’s more! For free humor on Substack, check out Flying Monkey Mind.