Writer, Thy Name is “Insipid”

What the hell did I just read?

It’s a blustery day here in Chicagoland. Saturday morning and the perfect time to catch up on my Medium reading while replenishing my caffeine intake. There’s nothing like that first sip of java, no?

I scrolled through my Medium feed searching for my favorite writers but decided to switch gears and read stories from scribes I don’t normally subscribe to. (Did you get that? Subscribe to?)

A few headlines caught my eye and I started reading. And then stopped, as I realized the writer had his head firmly stuck up his posterior and didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. His content was completely unrelated to his story’s headline! I felt cheated, so I moved on.

Next up, a story about writing on Medium and the lessons learned therein. I dove in, eager to find out what this particular writer had gleaned from his experience on this platform, even though I generally steer clear of this particular genre. But that said, it’s never too late to learn new “tricks,” right? That’s what we writers do: Help one another. The mensches, anyway. The rest are so busy dribbling drivel they can’t even help themselves.

Back to the story in question. I’d read this person before and had given him a resounding meh, so I wasn’t expecting much, but in the interest of fairness decided to give him another shot. Maybe he’d been having a bad day. We all have them, and unless we’re made of tin, shitty days do affect our work.

Suffice it to say that the writer must have a hell of a lot of bad days because this story was a rambling stinker. Putrid, in fact. Naval gazing raised to an art form. Again, with no actual meat. I was actually shocked, and that doesn’t happen often. I felt bad for this person. Did he not read his own piece?

He talked about his claps, his read ratios, how much money he’d made…and that was it. I read it twice, thinking I might have missed something. There was not one word about what he’d allegedly learned here.

I scanned a few more stories and finally found one that grabbed me by the throat and didn’t let go until I was through. And I wanted more. Score!

To me, wanting more from a writer is one of the best compliments we can bestow.

Because I truly want to help those of you who might be floundering, please take the following to heart and also understand that I’m not talking out of my butt here. I’ve face-planted too many times to count, but there’s something to be said for falling down. Your skin thickens. You grow scar tissue. And you learn from your mistakes.

Here’s what I want to tell you, from my heart:

Writers — like those militant paleo peeps, you gotta have that meat. There has to be something that your readers can pull from your story and say, “Hell, yeah. That was worth the five minutes! Let me grab a napkin and wipe the juice off my face!”

The juice. The money shot.

I get it. I understand how hard it is to pump out quality content day after day. Even more, for some of you who are publishing multiple times a day. (That’s a bit much, by the way.) But think about your message. What are you trying to convey and have you succeeded? Will your readers get a feel for who you are? For what you’ve learned? And for what you believe in?

Also, the last thing you want to do is bore the pants off your readers. So if you have to make something up to engage — do it. It’s called fiction. Write something funny. You don’t have to be Tina Fey but everyone loves to laugh. Or try your hand at horror or poetry. I’ve been dabbling in the latter on Medium and it’s opened me up tremendously.

You can do it!

Finally, read your stories objectively, as if they came from another writer. Would you want to read all the way through? At the finish line, would you feel that it was worth the time spent reading? If the answer is “yes,” consider yourself golden

Cheers to that.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

Thank you for reading. I hope this story resonated with you.