The worst ways to deal with narcissistic abuse

Have you recently discovered that you’re the victim of narcissistic abuse? These are the best and worst ways to confront it.

by: E.B. Johnson

TThough we traditionally think of abuse in terms of physical and emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse is another toxic form that encompass both physical and emotional elements. Narcissists are dangerous, and they erode our happiness as well asour sense of confidence and worth. If you’ve found yourself in the clutches of a narcissistic abuser, you have to learn to stick up for yourself — but there are right and wrong ways to go about it.

Giving narcissists the heated, emotional conflicts they long for will only work against our ultimate goal to be free of them. Narcissists care only for control and their own perspective, so we have to develop completely personal and independent ways of freeing ourselves from their clutches. Don’t let the abuse of narcissist undermine who you are and the happiness you deserve. Get proactive about creating the life you want and do it by becoming the person you were always meant to be.

It happens to the best of us.

Narcissistic abuse might not be a term that you’re familiar with, but it’s horrifically common. Men, women and children alike can find themselves victims of this insidious form of control. In fact, more than 158 million people in the U.S. alone are suspected to be the victims of narcissistic abuse, which occurs in both physical and emotional form.

This abuse is inflicted on us by partners and family members with narcissistic personality disorders, or other types of antisocial disorders. These abusers lack a conscience, and for that reason the ability to treat the people around them with love, respect, equality and understanding.

Finding yourself the victim of narcissistic abuse bears no shame, but it does come with a great deal of danger. Narcissists undermine our self-worth and prevent us from finding true happiness or fulfillment. If you suspect you are the victim of a narcissistic abuser, you are the only person who can set you free — but it’s a journey that’s going to require some major changes (and commitment) on your end.

How to spot the signs of narcissistic abuse.

The signs of narcissistic abuse are many, and they vary from case to case. If you think you’ve been the victim of narcissistic abuse, look for one of these textbook warning signs — and then take the steps you need to protect yourself.

Look for sabotage

There’s little more the narcissistic abuser loves more than sabotaging the people they are trying to control. Whether they do this overtly or covertly, itt makes no difference. The narcissist cannot tolerate when someone else finds joy, fulfillment, or success. If you find yourself in a (platonic or romantic) relationship in which you’re shot down each time you start to climb the ladder to personal happiness — consider that it might be a sign of narcissistic abuse.

Constant lies

Lies are a fundamental part of the narcissist’s game plan, and it serves to help them destabilize their relationships. Through destabilization, the narcissist is better able to consolidate control in their relationships and keep their partners and friends emotionally weak and unsure of themselves and their judgement. They might lie to you about their behavior, but then quickly give you a dose of hyper-affection which eases the pain…but not the uncertainty. It’s like treating a gunshot wound with pain killers alone. You’re still going to be weak, injured and bleeding out.

Manipulation

Narcissists love manipulation, and they use it as the basis for their abuse. Whether you realize it or not, the constant manipulation of your emotions and insecurities is abuse. The constant game of rejection and withdrawal — these are damaging forms of emotional “slaps across the face” that are meant to keep you in line. Narcissists manipulate their victims by withholding their affection, denying them their presence, etc. It’s all a zero-sum game meant to create the idea that you need to chase their happiness.

Emotional hostage-taking

When you’re the victim of narcissistic abuse, you’ll notice that your emotions are constantly held hostage by your abuser and used against you. The abuser might do this by saying or doing things that make you feel sad and guilty; or, they might use their own emotions to shackle you with a sense of shame and wrongdoing. Emotional hostage-taking is common and natural to the narcissist, and it’s one of the hardest things for us to fight. In order to overcome it we have to learn to master our own emotions.

Verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is a common form of emotional abuse that is used by an array of predators out there. When you’re verbally abused by a narcissist, they might use the common belittlements and demeaning turns of phrase — but they might also use negative, harmful and toxic comparisons too. It’s all about making you inferior and making themselves superior. Screaming and making verbal threats are all forms of emotional and narcissistic abuse as well, being used against us in order to curb our own behavior, emotions or thinking.

Gaslighting

To put it simply, gaslighting is a means of emotional and psychological manipulation that bases itself around 4 primary techniques: withholding, countering, blocking, trivializing and denial. Though all work to undermine the truth, they primarily work to sew confusion and cause the victim to question their own emotions, desire and sanity. Over an even greater length of time, this creates a victim who is destroyed by insecurity and completely unsure of themselves.

Endless one-upping

Do you find yourself being constantly compared to your abuser? In such a way that makes you feel bad about who you are? Or bad about what you want? Not only is this endless one-upping not normal — it’s abusive. Negative comparisons are meant to diminish our self-esteem and come to see our abusers in a more “superior” light. The more superior we think our abuser is, the more likely we are to continue giving them control…despite their demands or erratic and toxic behavior.

Violence and terror

Just as the narcissistic abuser is not above using emotional abuse as a means of maintaining control, many of them are not above using physical violence and terror (or threats of it) to keep their victims “in line”. Whether someone hits you or not, it doesn’t matter. Anyone that uses even the threat of violence in order to coerce you is an abuser, and not someone with your best interests at heart.

Social isolation

Abusers — no matter what form they take — isolate their victims and force them to pull away from any of the people or systems that might otherwise offer them freedom or perspective. Look back at your relationship. Has your abuser forced you to turn down opportunities you wanted? Have they forced a wedge between you and the people that used to make up your support networks? Narcissists need to keep us isolated in order to keep their delusions alive.

Financial abuse

This is one of the most overt forms of narcissistic abuse, yet it’s one that we are most culturally coached to dismiss. Financial abuse is real, and it’s commonly used by narcissists (especially when it comes to long-term romantic relationships). This occurs when the abuser assumes all financial control and then wields that control with an iron fist; allowing no autonomy for the other party or any sense of financial independence or say-so. In healthy relationships, both partners contribute to finances or the opinion in how the interests are split and shared in order to enhance mutual quality of life.

The worst ways to deal with narcissistic abuse.

Before you can efficiently deal with the effects of narcissistic abuse, you need to understand that worst ways to confront the uncertainty and instability you’re feeling right now. Don’t give in to heated conflict and don’t deny and deflect. You can find your way back to happiness, but you’re going to have to embrace reality and your own personal power on the way back up to the light.

Heated conflict

One of the worst ways you can deal with narcissistic abuse is to give the abuser the heated and over-the-top conflict that they want. When you give into this, you give them an excuse to flip the point around on you. Getting into a fight with a narcissist will only allow them to justify (to themselves) why they are right and you are overly emotional and unreliable. It’s a doorway to control that narcissist uses time and time again, and we have to be the one to close it.

Groveling

Groveling to a narcissist or begging for their affection and forgiveness isn’t healthy. As a matter of fact, this is precisely the type of control they are trying to access. Resorting to groveling shows the abuser that you have boundaries or limits that you aren’t willing to sacrifice on their altar. Once you beg for anything from a narcissist, they know they can push you anywhere they want you to go. Rather than groveling, we have to learn to stand strong by our convictions and the things we need in order to be happy and secure.

Appeasing the threats

Appeasement is a dead man’s game. It’s little more than over-compromising and giving in to someone to who is demanding their own way strictly for their own selfish needs. Real adults — compassionate human beings that come to the table ready to work together — know that compromise is always possible, and they’re willing to find that compromise when it comes to the people that they love. Think about it like a toddler screaming for a toy. Do you give in? And create a spoiled brat of tomorrow? Or do you stand your ground and say no? It’s no different when it comes to the narcissistic adults in our lives.

Defensiveness

There is little point in defending yourself against the attacks of a narcissist. If you find yourself dealing with an abusive spouse who makes broad accusations on your character or behavior, don’t think that defending yourself is going to change their mind. The true narcissist sets and point of view and then stands by it, seeing little value in the perspectives, experiences, or explanations of anyone else that might have a better point of view.

Over-reliance on logic

Though you need to arm yourself with knowledge in order to protect your wellbeing from a narcissist, it’s important to use this knowledge for self-empowerment — rather than seeking it to “change” the other person. Narcissists aren’t really interested in your point of view. And they’re not interested in changing themselves for you, or leaning into logic (especially if that logic goes against what they want).

Denying the facts

The worst thing you can do when it comes to dealing with narcissistic abuse is to deny its existence at all. The longer you deny what’s happening, the longer the abuse will continue and destroy your sense of self and purpose. We have to embrace reality in order to find our happiness, and that includes both the good and the bad things that we do and don’t want to see. Stop denying the facts and be honest with yourself about yourself and the things you need to do in order to be happy again.

The best ways to confront and deal with narcissistic abuse.

The best way to deal with a narcissistic abuser is to cut them off, but that’s not a process that happens easily or overnight. It’s a journey, and one that requires us to adapt new ways of dealing and interacting with the narcissist and our own emotions. If you’re looking to end the abusive connection, that’s holding you back, these are the best techniques you can use to start severing the ties and find your way back to freedom.

1. No more second chances

Narcissists are toxic creatures, who are able to manipulate us across a number of different planes. When we confront them on their poor behavior, they turn on us, and pull on our heartstrings and on our insecurities in ways that are difficult to manage. The first step in confronting and dealing with narcissistic abuse is learning how to take away this opportunity from them, by refusing to give them any more chances to do it.

Stop giving them second chances and stop excusing the way they hurt you and the way they manipulate your life and emotions. Start seeing things from your own perspective, and stop allowing yourself to be told what to believe, what to see and how to react.

Start accepting where you’re at, and start embracing the journey you need to make in order to free yourself. We teach other people how to treat us, and we do that by setting boundaries and sticking to the consequences when those limits are breeched. Stop allowing your abuser to have a second, third and fourth chance. Don’t allow justifications. Stick up for yourself and get honest about the situation that you’re in. Once you’ve acknowledged it, you can change it.

2. Empower yourself with professional help

There is no denying the power of professional help when it comes to freeing ourselves from the clutches of a narcissistic abuser. Whether you’re dealing with a romantic relationship or a toxic parent-child relationship — a mental health professional can help you sort through the complex emotions that surround the issue and also help you create a plan to escape. These professionals have invaluable insight on extracting ourselves safely, while also recovering who we are step-by-step.

Don’t look at seeking professional help as a weakness or a vulnerability. Look at it as empowering yourself to thrive and medicating your ills just as you would your physical body. Professionals have insight and experience that just isn’t possible to see when you’re trapped inside the abusive relationship.

It’s never been easier to find professional counseling, even with the wild and manic state of the world. You don’t have to be a millionaire, and you no longer have to endure the public pain of a referral. There are thousands of digital counseling options now available around the world, and an even wider range of mental health professionals to choose from. If you’re stuck, scared and without help — look online. There is someone with the right knowledge who can point you in the right direction.

3. Remove the option of information

Though some narcissists resort to physical abuse (or threats of violence) to keep their victims in line, a great many of them rely on using personal information and emotions against their victims. When you open up to a narcissist, you’re giving them ammunition to use against you — and you’re giving them insight into what makes you tick or respond emotionally. If you truly want to remove power from a narcissistic abuser, stop giving them this ammo.

Once you’ve made the decision to change your relationship dynamic or cut ties, don’t tell them what you’re doing. Stop telling them where you’re going. Stop letting them in on your innermost emotions and thoughts and protect yourself by holding back on those things which are internally most important to you.

This doesn’t mean you can start having an affair (if you’re in a relationship) or that you can insidiously find ways to injure them behind their backs. This is simply a freeze out, and a denial of things that rightfully go only to those who truly love us and respect us. You can be respectful without giving away too much of yourself. Cling to those boundaries you’ve set and give them as much insight into who you are as they deserve. When someone truly loves us, they don’t use personal information and our emotions against us.

4. Make a note of everything

This technique is a bit obscure, but it can go a long way in safeguarding your sanity when it comes to dealing with a narcissist. One of the trademark signs of narcissistic abuse is the use of gaslighting. A narcissist will deny any wrongdoing until it pushes you to the point of absolute delusion. You’ll begin to feel as though you’re crazy, or making small issues bigger than they should be. By keeping a record (or diary) however, you’ll start to identify patterns and even be able to back up your confrontations with the narcissist.

Keep a diary of your negative encounters with the narcissist, and how those encounters make you feel. If you can record a video of an outburst (and keep it private for yourself) do it. If you have text messages or emails — save them.

Make a note of every single time you feel hurt, dismissed, belittled, or detached from. Stick as close to the facts as you are able (this happened, this was said, etc) but also make very clear notes of the emotions that these interactions inspired in you. Refer back to these notes regularly and, if needed, resort to them when you’re driven into a corner and ready to cut ties. Don’t expect your notes to change the way the narcissist sees themselves, however. They’re not interested in that. These notes are for you to begin recognizing the toxic patterns that are keeping you small.

5. Detach from the manipulation

The more you stand up to a narcissist, the harder they will work to keep you under control. They will threaten you, withdraw their affection and do everything they can to manipulate you emotionally. In order to find the inner strength you need to protect yourself and break free of them, you’ve got to learn how to detach from their behavior and see their manipulations for what they truly are. Put yourself in a third-party position and take your emotions out of the equation. If a stranger was looking in, what would they see?

Detach from the manipulation and start questioning the emotional responses you’re giving the narcissist abuser in your life. If you leave a confrontation feeling low, defeated or unloved — stop, and ask yourself why? Is the other person consciously pulling a string they know will cause you to react in a certain way?

What does recognizing this feel like? More often than not, removing ourselves and looking at things factually provides a great sense of comfort. Before you give the narcissist your tears or your anger, look at things objectively. Allow your brain to see things as they are without all the cloud of emotion that is welling up in your heart. Take away the narcissists power by taking away their ability to manipulate you. Detach and commit to seeing every action (on both sides) for what it truly is.

6. Tap into your support networks

Our support networks are invaluable when it comes to confronting our narcissistic abuse and finding our way back to happiness. The people around us can provide invaluable perspective, as well as encouragement and motivation to take action for ourselves. They can also help us take that first decisive action we need to take in order to find our freedom. If you’re struggling to find a way out of narcissistic abuse, tap into your support networks and let them be your guiding light.

Reach out to trusted friends and family and let them know what’s going on in your life. Explain narcissistic abuse to them (if they aren’t familiar) and then explain how instances of this abuse are destroying your wellbeing and your joy. Let them see your pain and the people who truly love you will do the rest.

Listen to their advice and weigh it against your own personal needs. Don’t fight against the things you know to be true. Embrace their brutal honesty as faithfully as you’ve had to embrace your own. Detach yourself emotionally from the situation, and try to see things from a removed, third-party perspective. Is what they’re telling you true? Question it, but don’t run from the advice they give you. Allow your support networks provide you with the strength you need to find joy and freedom again.

7. Forge a path to freedom

When it comes to narcissistic abuse, the only true way to find peace is to find your own path to freedom. Narcissists are not interested in your happiness, and they aren’t interested in creating a mutually equitable partnership. If you want to be treated with respect and with honor, then you have to free yourself from their clutches and find (safely) a roadway to joy that can deliver you from their clutches.

Forge a path to freedom and find a way to escape their clutches and abuse. No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you might beg them to change — they can only change when they are ready, willing and able.

Let go of the idea that you can control anyone’s happiness but your own. No matter how much you do for the narcissists — no matter how much ground you give them — it will never be enough. Enlist the help of your support networks and begin creating a plan to escape. Figure out what you really need from life in order to be fulfilled, and begin to piece together the tactics and steps that can help get you there.

Putting it all together…

Narcissistic abuse is toxic and dangerous, seriously undermining our self-esteem and the way we see ourselves and our lives. We are the only ones who can free ourselves from the clutches of this sort of abuse, but that requires us to arm ourselves with understanding and take the initiative to free our minds and our bodies. You don’t have to be a victim forever, but there’s a right and wrong way to go about finding a new future. Avoid the pitfalls and the conflicts and focus on techniques that can help break the mental and emotional shackles that are keeping you chained.

Stop giving them endless chances to walk all over you and destroy who you are. Wake up and embrace the reality of your situation and where you’re at. If you’re not strong enough to start making moves for yourself, enlist the help of a professional. Mental health and relationship experts are more accessible than ever. Find a pro who can help you heal and extract yourself from the narcissistic abuse. Stop giving your abuser power, and with that information about yourself that they can use to manipulate and control you. Slowly shutdown your relationship with them and do it in stages. Make a note of everything they do that hurts you and refer back to it in order to identify the patterns you’re trying to escape. Detach from the manipulation and start seeing things from a removed, third-party point of view. Consider what a stranger might see if they were looking from the outside in, and use that perspective to remove your abusers emotion power. Lean into your support networks and forge your own way back to freedom. You are the only person responsible for your happiness.