Dear Middle-Class Friends: We Do Not Have to Protect Your Ego
Our life experiences do not have to cater to your feelings.
Note: Changed the title on 2/1 to officially make it part of my “Dear Middle-Class Friends” series.
In 2012, author Teju Cole wrote an article for The Atlantic after a series of his tweets attracted attention. Although he was specifically referring to a charity called Invisible Children, he made a statement that I think perfectly summarizes a recurring problem within conversations about privilege. He said the following:
… there’s a place in the political sphere for direct speech and, in the past few years in the United States, there has been a chilling effect on a certain kind of direct speech pertaining to rights . . . People of color, women, and gays . . . are under pressure to be well-behaved when talking about their struggles. There is an expectation that we can talk about sins but no one must be identified as a sinner . . . the effect of this enforced civility is that those voices are falsified or blocked entirely from the discourse.
Teju is referring to unspoken rules about what a disadvantaged party can and cannot say about their disadvantaged status. These unspoken rules stifle the disadvantaged party from being able to honestly discuss their experiences, as said honesty could upset the advantaged party.
Teju’s words can be applied to discussions about class. When you are economically disadvantaged, discussing your plight is tricky business. You want to be open and honest about your struggle — but don’t you dare offend the sensibilities of the economically advantaged.
This sends a message that if you are poor or working-class, protecting the feelings of the middle- and upper-class is more important than you speaking your truth. Your experience is acceptable only when it lines up with what financially privileged people want to hear.
I failed to cater to middle- and upper-class feelings by being honest. I failed to bow to civility politics and spoke my genuine truth, and for that, I was in the “wrong” and needed to be put back in my place.
As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, I was raised working-class, which is sometimes called the “working poor.” A few months ago, I wrote an article about tone-deaf things that some middle-class (or rich) people do. To date, it is my most popular article — in fact, I had to close and hide the discussion because it was getting overwhelming.*
*Update: as of January 15th, I quietly reopened the discussion.
In that article, I presented two points that really pissed some people off:
- Some financially underprivileged people don’t appreciate it when rich(er) friends brag about their expensive vacations.
- Insisting on picking up the check can unintentionally imply that you think your financially underprivileged friend can’t afford it.
Even if these things are done with good intentions, that does not negate their unpleasant implications. To someone who cannot afford to travel, a friend rambling about their vacation feels like a not-so-subtle reminder of where they stand — not like a friend “sharing their life experiences.” To someone who has endured cultural assumptions that poor people are leeches, a middle-class friend picking up their check can feel like confirmation that they are a leech — not like a friend “treating” them to lunch.
While a lot of people connected to what I was saying, there was also a steady stream of people who were so mad at me for it. I was called bitter, salty, and ungrateful. I was also chastised for being a “bad friend” who “censors” people because — quelle horreur — I am the one person who does not want to look at 50 photographs of their legs in front of various landscapes.
I’m not stupid. I know why people got so upset. It’s because I implied that seemingly innocent gestures — things they may have engaged in themselves — may not be perceived the way they were intended. This made them defensive, so they minimized the acts as kind/neutral gestures, thus invalidating my experience by presenting it as irrational.
Annoying, but hardly the first time I’ve dealt with richsplaining.
Furthermore, I also committed the sin Teju described: I failed to cater to middle- and upper-class feelings by being honest. I failed to bow to civility politics and spoke my genuine truth, and for that, I was in the “wrong” and needed to be put back in my place.
That’s the thing about discussing privilege. Privileged people enjoy conversations about recognizing privilege… until it becomes too real for them to handle. The instant they hear something too real, game over.
Engaging with some privileged people is like dealing with an acquaintance who has main character syndrome: everything always has to be about them.
This isn’t just about me and my article, though. If you’re getting your typing fingers ready to sound off in the discussion about how I’m being oversensitive and overthinking criticism, hold your horses.
What I’m describing is much bigger than either of those things. This is about some privileged people behaving as though they have the right to dictate how non-privileged people are “allowed” to feel about their own lives and how they are “allowed” to talk about it. Engaging with some privileged people is like dealing with an acquaintance who has main character syndrome: everything always has to be about them.
And you know what? I’m over it. I’m so over it.
I understand that talking about being financially underprivileged can be a tense topic. Money is surprisingly emotional. However, I am done bowing to the sensibilities of privileged people when I’m talking about my financial truths.
Yes, some things I say may be mildly uncomfortable to privileged people. No, I’m not sorry.
At the end of the day, I am a random nobody who writes Medium articles for fun. I doubt my silly little listicles where I joke about being a “Dickensian pauper” is going to prevent rich people from posting their vacation pictures on their social media. I’m sure their egos can still be validated.
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