Woman Fights Crime With Oral Sex
Three Crimes Were Committed That Day
I’ll admit, when I saw the article name, I had to click it. Woman gives armed robber blowjob to distract him until police arrive.
It conjures all kinds of images, doesn’t it? This is the point where I’d usually protest, “I didn’t mean it like that.” Except, we all know, I meant it exactly like that.
The best part about the story? It’s 100% true if you can swallow that.
After carefully researching, I’ve discovered that three crimes were committed that day. The first was the attempted robbery. The others? We’re getting to them.
That’s right. Just wait until the end. It’ll be worth it.
Here’s how the first crime happened.
Crime Number 1
On January 30th, at a gas station in the capital of Slovakia, an armed robber demanded all the cash.
Side Note: For all my Slovakian readers, it was a petrol station. Better yet. For my Slovakian readers, it was a Benzínová pumpa.
Side Note to the Side Note: Is it just me, or does the word pumpa sound like it fits the story?
The man hit the clerk several times and forced him to hand over the cash.
That’s when, as the Dimsumdaily.hk put it:
According to the TASR news agency, citing a police source, a mystery woman entered the petrol station via a back door willing to help staff stall the criminal.
Setting the back door joke aside, nobody seems willing to take responsibility for this claim. Even I’m quoting a news article, which defers the comment to a TASR agency, citing a police source.
All that citing is quite a mouthful.
I decided to get to the bottom of this and have been researching the topic. I mean, researching the story.
Not much is known. We don’t know the woman’s name or even her phone number. Atikanews.net reports that she is believed to be 36, of Czech nationality, and a heck of a first date.
Okay. I may have made that last part up.
Here’s what is known.
- The robber went to the back office to take more money from the safe
- That’s when the woman entered the office and began to perform oral sex on the man.
- Police arrived to find the two half-naked on the ground.
Oh, and when they got there, she stopped and told the police, “Take him, I can’t anymore.”
And take him they did… to jail.
The first crime? Attempted robbery.
And yes, the man was definitely caught with his pants down.
Crime Number 2
Nearly every article about the incident attempts at least one clever use of innuendo. Although, one article’s definition of clever innuendo seems to be “sloppy toppy.” It’s a bit on the nose when the joke is really south of there.
The woman should be praised. No, not for her willingness to, er, take one for the team. We don’t even know if she worked there.
She was a hero for stopping the robber. And she should be commended, not for her willingness to go as far as it takes to get the job done.
No. It was her quick thinking.
The second crime? Nobody said, “You were brilliant. That was really using his head.”
Crime Number 3
Before I tell you the last crime, here is a link to the original Slovak news article.
The third crime is not the Google translation of the article. But it comes close. The translation tells us that:
The police wanted to restrict the man on the spot to personal liberty, but as he offered active resistance, coercive means were used against him. After their use, he was escorted to the relevant police department where the necessary actions were performed with him.
Necessary actions?
I don’t know about you, but I can’t tell if his day got better or not. Most likely, it sucked even more at that point.
No, the crime is that the woman got away.
I’m not suggesting she should have been arrested for the blowjob. Nothing so crude.
The translation of the original article suggests that the man was sexually assaulted. And the truth is, if the roles were reversed….
No, it’s hard to imagine the roles reversed. Most women, I think, would be smart enough not to let a complete stranger pull their pants down during a robbery and please them orally. There’s a time and a place. Right?
I hate to stereotype against my fellow men, but we’re not all as smart. As a fellow writer, Deborah Weir put it:
“Find me one guy who wouldn’t stop robbing a store…” — Deborah after hearing my article’s premise.
Putting that aside, I’m not saying the woman assaulted the man. Some articles even suggested the woman might have feared for herself and came up with the sex act as a way to protect herself.
I’m in favor of sexual defense. I mean, self-defense.
No, the crime was the woman did all this… and then left.
The third crime? She didn’t pay for her big gulp.
Scott Hughey would like to point out that the title is not click-bait. Unlike the woman in the article, his story delivers.
More Humor by Scott (TheWriteScott)
