Humor Writing Prompt

Woman Falls Asleep During Stabbing

The August Doctor Funny 12(ish)-word Challenge

CNN, Rochester, NY — Serial narcolept Stacy Warner of nearby Brighton, NY, recently fell asleep, this time in the middle of an active stabbing.

Much to the dismay of her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Carl Bowers, Ms. Warner has a long history of falling asleep during other activities.

“She fell asleep on the back of my motorcycle going 80mph through a tunnel. That was pretty exciting. She fell asleep in the middle of sex on more than one occasion. I swear it’s not because of my, uh, lack of ability. But to fall asleep as she’s being attacked by a mugger? This is a new low,” Bowers tells us.

When we asked Ms. Warner to recount her memories of the attack, she barely flinched. She said she’s used to this line of questioning from law enforcement and media.

“Yeah, I’ve been a local celebrity for some time up here, people always wanting to hear how I fell asleep this time. I must admit that falling asleep while someone was stabbing me with a butter knife from a nearby Applebee's is a new one even for me.”

Ms. Warner had just come out of a nearby movie theater when the attack occurred.

“We had just seen Thor: Love and Thunder. Carl had gone ahead to warm the car while I went to the bathroom. When I walked out of the theater, the little guy jumped me from behind and stuck the blunt knife into my shoulder blade of all places. The shoulder blade. What an idiot. I started to kick at his shins with my heels, but he kept swinging that useless knife at my arm. He stuck me a couple of times, but they weren’t deep. He was a little weasel. Then it just kinda went dark. I must have fallen on top of him.”

“It’s true,” Bowers added. “I saw the whole thing. I saw her wince in pain, then struggle for a minute and fall to the ground, and she fell on top of him. The guy wiggled out from under her, but he was only about 5'3”, and she is 5'9". Probably weighs a lot more than him, too. Bet he was surprised. He barely got away before I got over there. He tossed the knife into the dumpster and sprinted off.”

We asked how often she fell asleep during normal activity.

“A few times a week, on average. It doesn’t matter if she’s drinking or on cocaine or what, it still happens. She can be being molested by the cat, or have had seven cups of coffee. I can be ploughing her from behind in back of the Mazda and I’ll suddenly hear her snoring. It annoys the hell out of me.”

The injuries are healing nicely and Ms. Warner is expected to make a full recovery. The perpetrator is still at large but isn’t thought to be much of a threat.

This month’s words are as follows:

Cat, Falls Asleep During, Woman, Stabbing, Servings Of, Dumpster, Annoys, Molested By, In Back Of, Cocaine, Thrown In, Love Ballad

*Bonus Word: CNN

This month’s words are a little more pedestrian, so you will have to use your brain to get this thing all twisted up. Stop complaining, I’m not spoon-feeding you words about hookers and boners and drunk republicans anymore.

Do whatever you want with these, you ingrates. IDGAF. Tag me in your responses so I can read your terrible creations. Or don’t. Whatever.

If you have narcolepsy and are offended, I apologize. Lighten up — it’s satire. Maybe you need a nap.

Here’s last month’s 12-word challenge if you want more fun: