Maniacal Sports Fan Takes Ecstasy in Ass; Has Erection Parade
The July Doctor Funny 12-word challenge
Denver, CO. — During the massive Stanley Cup parade through downtown Denver, one local fan went above and beyond to celebrate his team’s Stanley Cup Championship.
Lifelong Quebec Nordiques/Avalanche superfan Stewart Landeskog — who legally changed his name out of love for Avalanche team captain Gabriel Landeskog — was out to celebrate.
And, celebrate he did when he put far too much Ecstasy in his rear.
We later learned that the drug was also laced with Viagra. It took only twenty minutes for the drug to hit and for Landeskog to literally lose his cool, sweating profusely and stripping down to his boxers before joining the team’s parade with a massive erection.
Team captain Gabriel Landeskog noticed the off-putting sight from the top of the firetruck in which he was riding while periodically hoisting the 35-pound trophy over his head.
“I nearly dropped the damned Stanley Cup after seeing that guy with the raging boner running wildly between the trucks. I mean, he was pouring sweat and beat red. I’m really surprised he didn’t just die and wind up getting hit by the firetruck.”
An estimated 500,000 people lined downtown Denver. Witnesses on the sidelines tell us they assumed he was an equipment manager for the team that had too much to drink before the parade. Nonetheless, Landeskog made people notice him.
Landeskog repeatedly draped himself all over fans lining the route, most of whom thought he was part of the team or perhaps the emergency goalie. The local fire chief stopped the parade long enough to put the hose to Landeskog, both for his own safety and for that of the witnesses.
“We really thought he was about to burst into flames. With that much MDMA in his system, he was hot to the touch and tripping all over himself. We thought it best to hose him down and get him out of there before someone got hurt or pregnant.”
After the fire department hosed him down, the EMTs onsite took Landeskog to the hospital for an IV and observation, and say he will make a full recovery. His rubbery member, however, may never be the same, as it remained erect for more than 18 hours.
In a statement after the parade, police spokesperson Nancy Vortish reminded people to be careful with those substances.
“You never know what’s in those pills, kids. You think you may be in for a relaxing day celebrating your team, but you end up in the ER with heat stroke and a colossal rager in your pants.”
The parade was otherwise a success in Denver and no other injuries were reported.
This month’s words are as follows:
- Maniacal
- Ass
- Fucker
- Sports Fan
- Parade
- Has
- Colon
- Erection
- In
- Ecstasy
- Takes
- Movie
- *Bonus Word: Grill
Do whatever you want with these, you ingrates. Just tag me in your responses so I can read your terrible creations.
Who wants to play? KiKi Walter, Raine Lore, Carlos Garbiras, Sarah Paris, Hollie Petit, Ph.D., Will Hull, Kristen Stark, Sally Prag, Terry, Matt Middleton, Mike Knittel…come on. Be part of the problem.
Like this one? Here’s last months’: