ENTERTAINMENT, POLITICS

Woke Movement Cancels God For Creating Larry Elder As The GOP’s Magical Negro

The GOP Token Black Man was supposed to teach Trump golf, not politics

Picture of Larry Elder From APNews. Picture of Donald Trump from AZCentral. Picture of The Legend Of Bagger Vance from The Undefeated.

We truly live in an incredible age when a bunch of rich, white men were at the mercy of a black man. Martin Luther King Jr would be proud if this African American wasn’t a disgrace to his race. At least he can take solace in the fact that this man is not Herman Cain.

This man, known as Larry Elder, was nominated by Republicans to run against Democrat Gavin Newsom in the 2021 California gubernatorial election. A black man who heavily supported Donald Trump and opposed Black Lives Matter, Elder was the GOP’s last hope to saving the Republican Party.

However, Elder’s infamous political rise was not well received among his colleagues. MAGA supporters were worried about casting aside their racism for the sake of owning the liberals. Respectable Republican leaders (or RINOs, according to MAGA) such as Mitt Romney were disappointed that Elder took a page out of Trump’s book and doubled down on promoting voter fraud.

Even Democrats were worried that Elder could succeed based on his large campaign donations from multiple Republican millionaires. The last thing they wanted was a man ready to tarnish democracy once again. Four days before election results were known, Elder paid a website to spread baseless claims on election fraud and “twisted results,” casting seeds of doubt in the election process once again.

As it turns out, Democrats had nothing to worry about. Elder lost the election in spectacular fashion, where a little under 62% of California voters elected not to recall Newsom. The MAGA known as J.R.R Token realized he did not have any cards left to play; the gap was too large to deem the election as rigged and he threw away the race card after he publicly opposed Black Lives Matter. Rather than repeat his guaranteed loss again, Elder instead conceded defeat.

Elder’s defeat caused controversy among MAGA, who felt that Elder was “giving up” instead of promoting fake news. Elder took to the news to assure his racist fanbase that he was not giving up on them, and that he and Trump will come back stronger than ever.

We were shocked that an African-American would help white supremacists propel minority segregation. Was Elder a real life version of Clayton Bigsby?

We scrolled through Tumblr message boards, where we noticed an interesting post on Larry Elder. User BlackDon’tCrackSince1968 posted the following.

“Why does Larry Elder hate his own race? Why is Elder ashamed to be black? Never in the history of America has a black man been so eager to help the white man succeed in life. This only happens in Hollywood!

“Hollywood was unwilling to have a black man lead a movie back in the 20th century, as that casting made white people uncomfortable. However, Hollywood wanted to avoid being labeled as racist to have no African-Americans star as major characters in film. To appease both whites and blacks, Hollywood created the Magical Negro stereotype. The Magical Negro is a secondary character who uses mystical powers to help the main, white character in his journey. As the name implies, this character must be African-American so that he/she will absolve any racial guilt the protagonist feels in using the African-American’s powers. Below are common examples of this stereotype being employed.

The Matrix — The Oracle (a black woman) used her powers of foresight to help white savior Neo take down Agent Smith. Why she didn’t help her black constituents escape the Matrix is beyond me.
The Legend of Bagger Vance — Bagger Vance used his magic to help out a white man get better at golf. Seriously Vance? You live in an era where your African-American brothers are suffering from racial segregation, and you instead use your powers to help a white man succeed at a children’s pastime?
Songs of the South — Uncle Remus used his magic to tell stories to a 7-year-old white boy instead of helping his African-American brothers during the Reconstruction era. Really Remus? Are you saying that white children are more important than grown ass black adults?
The Green Mile — Black man John Coffey uses magic to help white man Paul Edgecomb find the real murder of the crime Coffey was framed for. And yet, Coffey still dies electrocuted in a chair. At least white audiences can take solace in the fact that Coffey used his magic one last time to resolve Edgecomb’s guilt of his wrongful conviction.

“There’s no doubt that Elder is the GOP’s Magical Negro. He was sent to earth to use his magic to absolve the GOP of their racist guilt and help the white man in Trump regain the supremacy he lost years ago. This is textbook Hollywood racism all over again!

“Now, I know what you’re thinking. Is there any proof that Elder has magic? Of course! This dude refers himself as the Sage from South Central! A sage is a wise man who distributed medicine. In ancient history, the sage was a shaman with healing powers. If Elder calls himself a sage, then he clearly has magical abilities! The real question is, who gave Elder those powers in the first place? There is one person to blame: God.

“We saw God appear on Tucker Carlson, berating him for sending Donald Rumsfeld to invade heaven. This was the first time we saw a supernatural appear on television! If God exists, there’s a strong possibility that God has binge watched way too many Hollywood movies while chugging down bottles of Harlan Estate. He probably thought it was funny to bring the Magical Negro stereotype to life, and thus created Larry Elder just so Elder can use his magical powers to help the clueless, white man Donald Trump succeeded in politics!

“This is not the first time God has acted irresponsibly for his entertainment and reasons. It is clear that God has a dark, twisted sense of humor. God created Adolf Hitler, who in turn created the Holocaust to kill the Jews. God created Gregg Abbott, who in turn passed anti-humanitarian laws to make sure Texas real estate prices go down.

Governor Greg Abbott Boasts “Ingenious” Plan To Combat Rising House Prices At The Cost Of Texan Lives

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“Now, God created Larry Elder, who in turn helped a white man segregate African-Americans and cancel the civil rights they worked so hard for?

“It’s time we hold God accountable for his crimes against humanity! He cannot keep getting away with this! We will cancel God until he stops toying with our lives. God’s reign of negligence has gone on for far too long! We will stop at nothing to shut down churches and ban religious tax exemptions. To hell with God!”

The #CancelGod hashtag picked up so much steam that Democrats have considered banning religion all together. The Republicans used this opportunity to entice affected Democratic fan bases (immigrants, Muslims, Jews, Hindus) to vote for the GOP just to protect their “freedom of religion”. Throughout this turmoil, we reached out to God to comment on these accusations. God solemnly stated that everything BlackDon’tCrackSince1968 said was partially true.

“Yes, I took a page out of Hollywood and wanted to create a Magical Negro,. Yes, I wanted this Magical Negro to help Trump. However, not in politics, but in golf!”

We asked God to clarify, who then defended his choices.

“I don’t know why people are complaining about The Legend of Bagger Vance! It’s an incredible movie! I love Will Smith! This man puts as much dedication into his charisma and acting as he does into oversharing his personal life. All I wanted was to bring that movie to life and help Trump become the next John Dally!”

God shook his head.

“It just blows my mind that Trump would golf away his 4 years of presidency, and still suck at the sport. How do you own multiple golf resorts and still not be able to get a par? My eyes are bleached from watching him play. This dude needs serious help! Someone needs to help his atrocious golf stroke!”

We asked God why he wanted to help a con artist get better at golf. God slammed his fists.

“People fail to understand. I. AM. GOD. I’m bored as fuck! All my favorite comedians are in hell! I’ll go insane if I continue to run a humorless heaven. The idea of an old, obese man excelling in an athletic sport is hilarious!

“I’m just tired of the dashing and fit Tiger Woods winning all the time. I figured a black man would help teach a white man the ways of sports and athletics. But how was I supposed to know that Elder switched to politics instead?

“I can create humans and their genetic makeup/preferences in society, but I can’t change their experiences, their ability to stay stagnant, or their newfound desires. Hell, I tried to make Adolf Hitler a painter! It’s not my fault he read a couple of nationalist books and went down the genocide route!”

We asked God why he wanted to help Trump of all people. Surely, there are better old, fat rich white candidates who could benefit from a golf tutor, such as Steve Ballmer. The eccentric billionaire may have the energy of a coke addict, but he is allegedly not as narcissistic as the incestuous president.

God starred at us.

“You’re telling me that a billionaire, one who believed that the affordable Microsoft should market itself as an overpriced, controlling, exclusive brand like Apple, doesn’t see his flawed vision as the greatest thing since sliced bread?

“This may be the first thing you said that got a laugh out of me.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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