MY FIRST KISS

Winning Bottle Spin for a Kiss from My Teen Heartthrob — or Was It?

Memorable? That doesn’t cover half of this sticky situation

Round and round the Coke bottle spun.

I thought it would never stop. Each rotation gave me time to think.

“I never kissed a girl before, what do I do?”

“What if I have bad breath? What if she does?”

“What do I do with my tongue?”

And the other question spinning around in my head.

Who would be the lucky — or unlucky — lady?

Blonde, big blue eyes. Beautiful

My 12-year-old hope was it would be Chloe Fullers. Blonde hair, and big blue eyes. Beautiful. I’d had a crush on her since we moved to town before sixth grade. I tried several times to phone her and ask her out, but I’d always chicken out and hang up when someone answered.

She was always so friendly to me, but I would always lose my train of thought and say something that made no sense. She’d say, “Enjoy your family vacation to Florida?”

I’d respond, “You, too.”

The annual Gina Gordon birthday bash

It was a Grease-themed birthday party this year for Gina Gordon’s 12-year-old birthday party. Gina lived in a gated community as her dad was a surgeon. The house wasn’t a mansion, but it was close.

The party was in the spacious basement that featured a jukebox, arcade games, and a disco ball. “Staying Alive” came on first, but only four boys had the guts to dance. It got worse when “Endless Love” played.

Then, Devin Douglas announced, “Let’s play Spin the Bottle.”

Ross Shizzy, ever the comedian, entered Hall & Oates’s “Kiss on List” on the jukebox.

Message with a bottle

Kent Williams grabbed a Dr. Pepper bottle and said, “OK, like, um, kissing and stuff. It’s, you know, private. How about we have the spinner and the winner go in the closet for privacy?”

“Oooooooooooh,” all the girls said in unison.

“Sounds mysterious,” said Gina.

“Let’s do it,” said Alexandra. “I like to live on the wild side.”

“And, and,” stuttered Kent. “This ain’t seven minutes in heaven. You have one minute in the game closet.”

“What happens in the closet — stays in the closet,” Ross chimed in waiting for a response of laughter. Instead, crickets.

Three different boys with girls went in, and, well, had a private moment.

“Mike, you turn,” said Ross with a mile-wide grin on his face, as he winked then made his eyebrows go up and down several times.

Made me sweat

I felt like I was a basketball player at the free-throw line in the NCAA championship game with one second left and needing to hit both free throws. I could feel a drop of a ball of sweat developing in my left armpit.

I said nothing, put my right hand on the tip of the bottle, and let it twirl.

Pamela Sneadgrass was staring at me and even puckered her lips once. She wouldn’t have been my top choice. Although her breasts were large, all I could think of was Chloe.

The bottle finally began to decrease in speed, and slow down — like spinning the big wheel in The Price is Right.

Thank you, Eros

Eros must have been looking after me. It landed smack dab pointing straight at my crush girl, Chloe.

She played the aggressor.

Stood up, put her right hand out, and said in confidence, “Let’s go.”

I blushed and felt my face was in flames as we made the death march to the game closet. Ross, of course, rushed to the jukebox and cued up “Cool Night.”

At least, I remembered to open the closet door for her.

“What a gentleman,” she remarked.

Then complete darkness. I was glad. My heart rate sped up, but the burning heat on my face had disappeared — temporarily.

“So?” she asked.

Hands of …

And I reached over and touched her. Right on her stomach.

Oh, shit!

“Um, that’s my stomach,” she said annoyed.

“Sorry, I can’t see.”

“I’m going to lean forward — meet me in the middle,” she directed.

Oh, shit I thought. I have gum in my mouth. Yes! That means I have nice breath. Wait! But what if it goes in her mouth. What the hell should I do?

I slyly, cleverly put the sticky gob in my right hand, but — suddenly — I felt Chloe’s smooth, sensual hand touch my hairy arm, then my wrist, wanting — I assumed — to hold my hand. Oh no! Abort! I quickly shoved the blobby gum on my right thigh. I don’t know why?

Then our lips meet. No, it wasn’t like that. Like two cinder blocks. Cold and stiff. Awkward would be an understatement, but I was digging holding her hand, and felt aroused.

Plan B or is that C

Should I go for the tongue dive? Hell, I got nothing to lose. It can’t get worse than our lips frozen together?

I panicked. First, I puckered and made an exaggerated smooch noise that sounded like someone chomping on peanut butter.

Then I went for some other hopefully seductive sound effect that ended up sounding more like whales mating. Epic fail.

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmm?”

Dude, I told myself, why’d you make the odd sound, you freak. And, you ended the alien groan with a question. You just super weirded her out.

“That was rather different, Mike,” Chloe giggled and whispered. “Can’t wait to find out what’s next. I think.”

My engine was reved up. My batteries charged. Ninth inning. Bases jammed. 3–2–1 blastoff. I’m going in. I’m sending Tommy the Tongue into Chloe's moist, juicy lips.

Go!

Wall of Chloe

I felt like I met the Berlin Wall. There was no opening. I felt like I was licking and cleaning her lips. It was strange. Borderline bizarre. I slightly and oddly enjoyed it, but I was terrified of what Chloe was thinking during this puppy-licking experience. She wasn’t responding. Leaving me more confused.

This can’t be good.

Then the lights flicked on. My tongue returned to its rightful owner, my heartbeat cranked up several decibels, and both our hands became instant whoopee cushions. It felt like we were busted by the cops for trespassing.

“Hi, lovebirds,” Gina joked.

“Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far,” sang Ross sarcastically.

Weirdest wedding train ever

Our dramatic entrance with our fingers latched full of exciting anticipation for an amazing new experience — those days were long gone. This was more like a walk of shame. I peered around the room. Tough crowd. All eyes were on me. As if asking, “Well, how was it?”

I dropped my head. As if answering, “Yeah, not good.”

Then Kent, who was feeling much braver now with his confidence made the announcement I’d never forget, “Dude there’s a pink string connecting you, too. It’s like a sign of love. Like a weird, funky wedding train, or something.

“Oh, wait,” he realized. “Nevermind. It’s just Hubba Bubba buggle gum.”

And so began my newest nickname for the rest of the school year and beyond — Hubba Bubba.

Conquering my fears

Believe it or not, despite the embarrassing misfired aerial tongue attack, the botched stomach patting, and the sticky (gum) situation, I actually built up the courage to ask out Chloe two months later. We saw Neil Diamond’s Jazz Singer, then went to Godfather’s Pizza.

And, yes, we kissed. Several times. It wasn’t perfect — far from it — but our tongues actually swirled in unison, I guess. It was nice in a gawky, acne-faced, teenager sort of way.

We were able to joke about sixty seconds of forced seduction and confusion in the closet. It was comforting to be able to come to closure on our closet caper.

Chloe was even a cooler chick than I thought, too. Then two weeks later — out of the blue — she dumped me. Normally, I’d be upset, hurt, mad, bitter, and blame myself — but instead, I was happy to get the opportunity to date her and be my girlfriend albeit for a few brief weeks.

And I was happy that she never teased me or held it against me for being an awful, awkward kissing dork, who got gum stuck to her, and embarrassed her with my gooey substance, horrible hand touches, goofy mammal noises, and unique licking antics.

Thanks for reading my embarrassing adolescent story.

Tagging peeps who I know will find the humor: Scot Butwell, Scott Younkin, Lu Skerdoo, Evon, Susan Wheelock, Sreese, Ruby Lee, Sarah Jean, Diana Meresc, Adelina Vasile, Alison Levine, Klara Jane Holloway, Nicole Hilbig, Jan Sebastian, Victoria Valentine, Mary Chang Story Writer,

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